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Tuesday, 14 March 2017

I Read The Satanic Bible So You Don't Have To

I Read The Quran So You Don't Have To

A word of warning if you yourself have ever contemplated giving The Satanic Bible a read: suddenly all of your friends will become experts on the topic. It quickly became obvious to me that, no matter what their background was, everyone in the world has already arrived at some preconceived idea on what it is this religion teaches us, whether it be the holier-than-thou devout fundamentalists whose eyeballs quiver at the very mention at the name Lucifer, or those casual researches who have uncovered a few keywords which contradict the common perception of Satan and utilise that fragmented knowledge to verify their self-proclaimed qualification on the subject matter (of which I was once a member). But what’s important to note from the beginning, is that everyone was completely wrong.

Satanism is not exactly the worship of some deity with horns who lives under the ground and sets naughty people on fire. Anyone with any incentive and an internet connection to Wikipedia can tell you that, and I myself have educated many an uncomfortable crowd to the injustices this belief system has faced as a result of this ignorance. “Satanism is about worship of oneself!” I would proudly spread my knowledge without any references, and then smugly sit back as the audience would try to ignore the fact that I had just defended the one church we have all been taught to fear. I cringe now when imagining an accomplished Satanist listening to my late night ramblings, as I would have been the easiest target to trip up on the way to school. For I now know that Satanism does, in actual fact, believe in Satan. Much like anything, it’s a word, a representative for getting away from an external form of worship, and indulging in whatever actions make you happy. Yet even as a symbol, this bible spends much of its time referring to Satan as a personality; a personification of anti-religion, whilst acknowledging the devil in all scriptures as exactly the spooky mascot they were hoping for, which goes against the very idea of worshipping oneself in the first place. What if (like so many) the idea of Satan makes one feel distressed, even if they fully subscribe to the philosophy of feeding into one’s own pleasures? It’s a contradiction at the root level, unnecessary and juvenile, as pointless as the boy carving pentagrams on his desk to invoke horror and call attention to himself (note: I was once that boy). It’s ridiculous, and already a difficult favour to ask, even for someone who tries their best to take the book seriously.

Ok, so if not quite the worship of the Evil Spirit, and if not quite the worship of oneself, what exactly is Satanism trying to do here? And I can answer that question so quickly, that the book itself becomes redundant. In summary, it’s a complete fucking cop-out: whatever works for you, is what Satanism is. Their core belief is that we should do whatever we like as long as it makes us happy and we don't hurt any innocent bystanders. Such a basic concept has been spoken about to death by countless self-help speakers and greedy narcissists alike, but what makes The Satanic Bible unique in its approach, is that it attacks from a religious angle, blaming other faiths for everything that is wrong in the world, and somehow reaching the conclusion that quiet atheism/agnosticism simply won’t cut the animosity these ancient scriptures deserve. It holds the church responsible for tarnishing Lucifer’s name, whilst rightfully pointing out that it was Satan who has kept the church in business for all these years. It repeats the cliché idea which points out how hypocritical the religious God is: an omnipresent being who has created us to be exactly who we are, has sent the message that he loves us all, and then smites us with an almighty blow of plagues and disease and other countless human ailments when we don't adhere to his every vague command. It’s the whole “with friends like these, why do we need to fear Satan?” slogan, which is as true as it is fucking boring and overused. Team this creed hatred with the suggestion that we should love those who deserve it but hate those who don’t, and you have Satanism in a lunchbox: one vengeful and selfish and materialistic belief system, harmless and laughable to anyone of intelligence, hardly as scary as Jesus told you it would be, yet a very dangerous philosophy for certain people to follow and find a supportive community within, encouraging dark egos to step on anyone to get to where they want to go.

However, over a million copies sold can’t be completely useless, and of course, it is not. I’ll be the first to admit that Anton LaVey has always rubbed me the wrong way, but if you can ignore his liberal use of the exclamation point(!), the dude does most definitely write very well. I guess that’s what this so-called “religious text” has to its advantage above all the others: it’s a recent publication, and in that modern way, becomes a relief to read something so much closer to our contemporary understandings, far more relevant to our current lives than some other prophetic writings that came out 2000 odd fucking years ago. Time has been its greatest weapon in these religious comparisons, to the point that it’s almost not fair for such a new-age doctrine to viciously attack those that predate it like they do, as if a teenager beating the shit out of a senior citizen. But its historical and educational value cannot be disregarded, as its forte for emphasising the hypocrisies and obsolete absurdness of other segregated worships is very convincing, and I, for one, was successfully persuaded that everything we are taught about the Devil was merely a method for the church to undermine the preceding Pagan rituals and then capitalising on their downfall. But above all else, it was a logical and grounded read, hardly anything diabolic or mythical about it, rather considering curses to be as uncomplicated as someone who does you wrong (for example), or sacrifices to be symbolic rather than a bunch of blood on an altar. Although, that said, these practices are still somewhat represented to one degree or another, which is where the line gets confusing.

And that’s where the main source of my opposition stems from. It’s contradictory, not only in regards to the muddled "live your life however you see fit yet hail Satan" type of inconsistency, but also how fast it is to reject that any other form of prayer or worship will work, yet spends a vast amount of pages advocating magic and rituals, which I fail to see the difference between (because I know how to pray properly). Furthermore, so much of this book’s content has been said a million times before, the vast majority of its concepts featuring in various superior Satanless pieces of literature as well as many late night drug-driven pseudophilosophical conversations I have endured in my time. It’s difficult to conclude whether this tiresome factor is a result of how un-revolutionary The Satanic Bible actually is in reality, or whether its ideas were so grand and progressive that this very book was the catalyst for such concepts becoming commonplace, but regardless, very little of its revelations were news to me. Below even this, as my primary gripe against the entire experience, was Anton LaVey himself. I mean, what the fuck gave him the right to claim the Satanist title? One theory so imperative to the very existence of all religion, now kidnapped and mutilated into his own little fucktoy, redefining its purpose for Anton's own gain. It’s sacrilegious and it’s rude and it should not be allowed.

With all of this bundled together, however, I must confess that I did find the book to be shamefully entertaining and (despite how awkward I felt reading it on the tube, and despite of how much of a walking cliché I felt every time death metal came into my headphones whilst I held this book in my hands) I always looked forward to reading it, like a naughty kid who found his uncle’s porno stash. This is because, at the end of the day, I love Satan like I love the wolf, the common enemy to all fairy tales and/or religions (which could be fairly interchangeable, to be fair), and I admired what it was trying to achieve as a whole. If you truly pick it apart bit by bit, it did make a helluva lot more sense than any other holy documentation, and even more than that, it encouraged individuality and strived to make you feel good about yourself—a celebration of your own person—which is the polar opposite of all other religions, and as a result, had a unique power to it. And if nothing else, it’s a cool thing to say I have read.

Now, if you yourself don't care enough to brave this villainous content, you don't need to! For below I have selected the most standout pieces from the bible, and then commented on them with my own endless wisdom, which means you could simply scroll through these bits and still come away with a greater awareness of the misunderstood belief whilst collecting a larger amount of ammunition next time the Satanic debate falls on your radar. Don't say I don't do anything for you.


THE NINE SATANIC STATEMENTS


Like the 10 commandments, Satanism could not be left out. Google them if you're interested, but it's all about indulgence and retaliation and just doing what you like really.


(FIRE)
BOOK OF SATAN
THE INFERNAL DIATRIBE


THE BOOK OF SATAN


This whole chapter is ridiculous, he actually speaks from the perspective of Satan, as if this truly was a bible, as if Satan was actually a talking entity. It's comedic, if anything.

II 6. - No creed must be accepted upon authority of a "divine" nature. Religions must be put to the question. No moral dogma must be taken for granted - no standard of measurement deified. There is nothing inherently sacred about moral codes. Like the wooden idols of long ago, they are the work of human hands, and what man has made, man can destroy!
II 7. - He that is slow to believe anything and everything is of great understanding, for belief in one false principle is the beginning of all unwisdom.

Question everything, I can get on board with that.

III 5. - Is not "lust and carnal desire" a more truthful term to describe "love" when applied to the continuance of the race? Is not the "love" of the fawning scriptures simply a euphemism for sexual activity, or was the "great teacher" a glorifier of eunuchs?

Love is basically just an emotion to encourage reproduction, which is probably true.

III 7. - Hate your enemies with a whole heart, and if a man smite you on one cheek, smash him on the other!; smite him hip and thigh, for self-preservation is the highest law!
III 8. - He who turns the other cheek is a cowardly dog!
III 9. - Give blow for blow, scorn for scorn, doom for doom - with compound interest liberally added thereunto! Eye for eye, tooth for tooth, aye four- fold, a hundred- fold! Make yourself a Terror to your adversary, and when he goeth his way, he will possess much additional wisdom to ruminate over. Thus shall you make yourself respected in all the walks of life, and your spirit - your immortal spirit - shall live, not in an intangible paradise, but in the brains and sinews of those whose respect you have gained.

I do quite like the vengeance aspect, it's a refreshing contradiction to the whole submission of other religious texts, and I guess that's what really sets it apart.


(AIR)
BOOK OF LUCIFER
THE ENLIGHTENMENT

WANTED!: GOD—DEAD OR ALIVE


It is a popular misconception that the Satanist does not believe in God. The concept of "God", as interpreted by man, has been so varied throughout the ages, that the Satanist simply accepts the definition which suits him best. Man has always created his gods, rather than his gods creating him. God is, to some, benign - to others, terrifying. To the Satanist "God" - by whatever name he is called, or by no name at all - is seen as the balancing factor in nature, and not as being concerned with suffering. This powerful force which permeates and balances the universe is far too impersonal to care about the happiness or misery of flesh-and-blood creatures on this ball of dirt upon which we live.

God is fine as a belief, as it's a word, the definition is up to us, which is a theory I've independently arrived to on my own journey (see my blog piece Everything, All Of The Time).

Anyone who thinks of Satan as evil should consider all the men, women, children, and animals who have died because it was "God's will". Certainly a person grieving the untimely loss of a loved one would much rather have their loved one with them than in God's hands! Instead, they are unctuously consoled by their clergyman who says, "It was God's will, my dear"; or "He is in God's hands now, my son." Such phrases have been a convenient way for religionists to condone or excuse the mercilessness of God. But if God is in complete control and as benign as he is supposed to be, why does He allow these things to happen? Too long have religionists been falling back on their bibles and rulebooks to prove or disprove, justify, condemn, or interpret.

I have my own opinions on why "God" would be like this, but the purpose of this text delivers: Satan as a concept is not the bad guy in the bigger picture.

The Satanist shuns terms such as "hope" and "prayer" as they are indicative of apprehension. If we hope and pray for something to come about, we will not act in a positive way which will make it happen. The Satanist, realizing that anything he gets is of his own doing, takes command of the situation instead of praying to God for it to happen. Positive thinking and positive action add up to results.

Instead of praying and waiting, just go out and get the thing. Pretty sound advice, really.

With all the debates about whether or not God is dead, if he isn't he had better have medicare!

Funny? If nothing else, at least this text has a sense of humour, which I doubt many can boast.

THE GOD YOU SAVE MAY BE YOURSELF


God can do all the things man is forbidden to do - such as kill people, perform miracles to gratify his will, control without any apparent responsibility, etc. If man needs such a god and recognizes that god, then he is worshipping an entity that a human being invented. Therefore, he is worshipping by proxy the man that invented god. Is it not more sensible to worship a god that he, himself, has created, in accordance with his own emotional needs - one that best represents the very carnal and physical being that has the idea - power to invent a god in the first place?

The whole "God can commit sins" is a pretty smart point. Doesn't seem fair, now that I think about it? So the advice here is to stop worshipping externally and make your own God inside of yourself, which is the fundamental basis of the Satanic thought in the first place.

SOME EVIDENCE OF A NEW SATANIC AGE


This chapter was cool, as it encouraged the "seven deadly sins" by pointing out how we are all guilty of them and the advantages of this. Greed and envy, for example, result in ambition. Gluttony can be balanced out by pride, the two cancelling each other out. Pride itself is something everyone does, rightfully demonstrated by how the choices of clothes we wear are hardly ever exclusively for warmth, rather for style and an attempt to impress. Sloth was never addressed properly. And, finally, lust, a completely normal human incentive for breeding, was chosen to be a sin by the church in order to ensure people would always be guilty, and therefore justified the church's existence. Probably true.

It is the "Devil" who caused women to show their legs, to titillate men - the same kind of legs, now socially acceptable to gaze upon, which are revealed by young nuns as they walk about in their shortened habits. What a delightful step in the right (or left) direction! Is it possible we will soon see "topless" nuns sensually throwing their bodies about to the "Missa Solemnis Rock"? Satan smiles and says he would like that fine - many nuns are very pretty girls with nice legs.

Haha, can't argue.

Many churches with some of the largest congregations have the most hand-clapping, sensual music - also Satanically inspired. After all, the Devil has always had the best tunes.

Can't argue with that either.

"Satanism is based on a very sound philosophy," say the emancipated. "But why call it Satanism? Why not call it something like 'Humanism' or a name that would have the connotation of a witchcraft group, something a little more esoteric - something less blatant." There is more than one reason for this. Humanism is not a religion. It is simply a way of life with no ceremony or dogma. Satanism has both ceremony and dogma. Dogma, as will be explained, is necessary.

While I'm glad he addressed this, I feel it was skimmed over just to prove awareness of the resistance to the name, and did little to convince me that the title "Satanism" was chosen for anything other than controversy.

Satanism represents a form of controlled selfishness. This does not mean that you never do anything for anyone else. If you do something to make someone for whom you care happy, his happiness will give you a sense of gratification.

The often debated "is there such a thing as a selfless act?" question. I've always said that there is not, and the Bad Book agrees.

Inevitably, the next question asked is: "Granted, you can't call it humanism because humanism is not a religion; but why even have a religion in the first place if all you do is what comes naturally, anyway? Why not just do it?"
Modern man has come a long way; he has become disenchanted with the nonsensical dogmas of past religions. We are living in an enlightened age. Psychiatry has made great strides in enlightening man about his true personality. We are living in an era of intellectual awareness unlike any the world has ever seen.
This is all very well and good, but - there is one flaw in this new state of awareness. It is one thing to accept something intellectually, but to accept the same thing emotionally is an entirely different matter. The one need that psychiatry cannot fill is man's inherent need for emotionalizing through dogma. Man needs ceremony and ritual, fantasy and enchantment. Psychiatry, despite all the good it has done, has robbed man of wonder and fantasy which religion, in the past, has provided.

The reason he called it a religion is addressed here and continues for a bit, and I totally get it. Beat the system from the inside.

HELL, THE DEVIL, AND HOW TO SELL YOUR SOUL


This chapter is pretty cool, and comes complete with a comprehensive list of all the "infernal names" for the devil, which is fun, and seems quite important as the book goes on, calling on certain monikers for certain things, depending on what you want.

The association of the goat with the Devil is found in the Christian Bible, where the holiest day of the year, the Day of Atonement, was celebrated by casting lots for two goats "without blemish", one to be offered to the Lord, and one to Azazel. The goat carrying the sins of the people was driven into the desert and became a "scapegoat". This is the origin of the goat which is still used in lodge ceremonies today as it was also used in Egypt, where once a year it was sacrificed to a God.

A little history of Satan, of which the above is only a snippet. It's an interesting and educational read, if nothing else.

To the Satanist, it is unnecessary to sell your soul to the Devil or make a pact with Satan. This threat was devised by Christianity to terrorize people so they would not stray from the fold. With scolding fingers and trembling voices, they taught their followers that if they gave in to the temptations of Satan, and lived their lives according to their natural predilections, they would have to pay for their sinful pleasures by giving their souls to Satan and suffering in Hell for all eternity. People were led to believe that a pure soul was a passport to everlasting life.

You should have assumed this to be the case by now.

(Even with all their threats of eternal damnation and soul roasting, Christian missionaries have run across some who were not so quick to swallow their drivel. Pleasure and pain, like beauty, are in the eye of the beholder. So, when missionaries ventured into Alaska and warned the Eskimos of the horrors of Hell and the blazing lake of fire awaiting transgressors, they eagerly asked: "How do we get there?"!)

I found this very amusing.

So, if "evil" they have named us, evil we are - and so what! The Satanic Age is upon us! Why not take advantage of it and LIVE!*

That asterix leads to a footnote which felt the need to point out that "live" is "evil" reversed. Potentially the lamest part of the whole book.

SATANIC SEX


I liked how this chapter fell on page 66 on my edition.
This was one of the better sections too, I could get on board with it.

Satanism condones any type of sexual activity which properly satisfies your individual desires - be it heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or even asexual, if you choose. Satanism also sanctions any fetish or deviation which will enhance your sex-life, so long as it involves no one who does not wish to be involved.

You've got to respect Satanism for their tolerance towards any sexual preference, completely subscribed to equality and consensual sex, unlike most judgemental religious texts available.

If all parties involved are mature adults who willingly take full responsibility for their actions and voluntarily engage in a given form of sexual expression - even if it is generally considered taboo - then there is no reason for them to repress their sexual inclinations.
If you are aware of all the implications, advantages, and disadvantages, and are certain your actions will hurt no one who does not wish or deserve to be hurt, you have no cause to suppress your sexual preferences.

Elaboration on consensual freedom of desire.

Just as no two people are exactly the same in their choice of diet or have the same capacity for the consumption of food, sexual tastes and appetites vary from person to person. No person or society has the right to set limitations on the sexual standards or the frequency of sexual activity of another. Proper sexual conduct can only be judged within the context of each individual situation. Therefore, what one person considers sexually correct and moral may be frustrating to another. The reverse is also true; one person may have great sexual prowess, but it is unjust for him to belittle another whose sexual capacity may not equal his own, and inconsiderate for him to impose himself upon the other person, i.e., the man who has a voracious sexual appetite, but whose wife's sexual needs do not match his own. It is unfair for him to expect her to enthusiastically respond to his overtures; but she must display the same degree of thoughtfulness. In the instances when she does not feel great passion, she should either passively, but pleasantly, accept him sexually, or raise no complaint if he chooses to find his needed release elsewhere - including auto- erotic practices.

A refreshing take on cheating and being honest to exploring what it is that makes you happy on a sexual front. Once again, I can see the value, it could probably save marriages rather than destroy them.

INDULGENCE . . . NOT COMPULSION


People often mistake compulsion for indulgence, but there is a world of difference between the two. A compulsion is never created by indulging, but by not being able to indulge. By making something taboo, it only serves to intensify the desire. Everyone likes to do the things they have been told not to. "Forbidden fruits are sweetest."

The difference is rather logical when you put it that way, Mr LaVey.

It has become very fashionable to concentrate on the betterment of the mind and spirit, and to consider giving pleasure to one's body (the very shell without which the mind and spirit could not exist) to be coarse, crude, unrefined, as of late, most people who deem themselves emancipated have left normalcy only to "transcend" into idiocy! By way of bending their behinds around to meet their navels, subsisting on wild and exotic diets like brown rice and tea, they feel they will arrive at a great state of spiritual development.

I found this very funny, and is even more true today. Although I can't fully agree that turning your back on healthy eating and exercise would do you any good. You'll get fat!

If anyone thinks that by denying his natural desires he can avoid mediocrity, he should examine the Eastern mystical beliefs which have been in great intellectual favor in recent years. Christianity is "old-hat", so those who wish to escape its fetters have turned to so-called enlightened religions, such as Buddhism. Although Christianity is certainly deserving of the criticism it has received, perhaps it has been taking more than its share of the blame. The followers of the mystical beliefs are every bit as guilty of the little humanisms as the "misguided" Christians. Both religions are based on trite philosophies, but the mystical religionists profess to be enlightened and emancipated from the guilt-ridden dogma which is typified by Christianity. However, the Eastern mystic is even more preoccupied than the Christian with avoiding animilastic actions that remind him he is not a "saint", but merely a man - only another form of animal, sometimes better, more often worse, than those who walk on all fours; and who, because of his "divine spiritual and intellectual development", has become the most vicious animal of all!

Dissing Eastern philosophies is something I'm not used to hearing, and I admire the fairness. I also appreciated how he rightfully stated that Christ has been overly blamed.

The simple fact of the matter is that the very thing which has led this type of person to a faith which preaches abstinence, is indulgence. Their compulsive masochism is the reason for choosing a religion which not only advocates self-denial, but praises them for it; and gives them a sacrosanct avenue of expression for their masochistic needs. The more abuse they can stand, the holier they become.

Religion is a form of masochism? Very interesting idea, and makes some sense. It does seem weird that a chosen path of intentionally depraving oneself of "sin" makes a person feel superior to others, a bit backwards.

If all attempts to sell something (be it a product or an idea) have failed - sex will always sell it. The reason for this is that even though people now consciously accept sex as a normal and necessary function, their subconscious is still bound by the taboo which religion has placed upon it. So, again, what is denied is more intensely desired. It is this bugaboo regarding sex which causes the literature devoted to the Satanic views on the subject to overshadow all else written about Satanism.

Sex sells, we know this, but this is a damn good theory as to why, and I believe it. Good paragraph.

ON THE CHOICE OF A HUMAN SACRIFICE


I love this chapter, because upon skimming the section titles, it does seem to offer the scary shit Satanism has built its reputation upon. However, once reading, the idea of a human sacrifice seems like a symbolic one, opting to destroy the target by means of mental or emotional attacks.

The only time a Satanist would perform a human sacrifice would be if it were to serve a two-fold purpose; that being to release the magician's wrath in the throwing of a curse, and more important, to dispose of a totally obnoxious and deserving individual.

Although, wait, what does this mean? Is it ok to kill someone after all? Eekers.

Under no circumstances would a Satanist sacrifice any animal or baby!

Well, that's good.

The "ideal sacrifice" may be emotionally insecure, but nonetheless can, in the machinations of his insecurity, cause severe damage to your tranquility or sound reputation. "Mental illness", "nervous breakdown", "maladjustment", "anxiety neuroses", "broken homes", "sibling rivalry", etc., etc., ad infinitum have too long been convenient excuses for vicious and irresponsible actions. Anyone who says "we must try to understand" those who make life miserable for those undeserving of misery is aiding and abetting a social cancer! The apologists for these rabid humans deserve any clobberings they get at the hands of their charges!

Bwhahaha oh God, how is this for a Social Justice Warrior's biggest nightmare!

LIFE AFTER DEATH THROUGH FULFILLMENT OF THE EGO


Life is the one great indulgence; death the one great abstinence. To a person who is satisfied with his earthly existence, life is like a party; and no one likes to leave a good party. By the same token, if a person is enjoying himself here on earth he will not so readily give up this life for the promise of an afterlife about which he knows nothing.

This is a very important point for the Satanism philosophy. So many religions focus upon life after death, it's their whole game, whereas the above encourages us to not worry about that and do our best to survive against all odds, not relying on some promise of an afterlife. It's also a good shout opposing suicide.

Belief in reincarnation provides a beautiful fantasy world in which a person can find the proper avenue of ego-expression, but at the same time claim to have dissolved his ego. This is emphasized by the roles people choose for themselves in their past or future lives.

I like this paragraph a lot, sums up the chapter nicely and really demonstrates the paradox of the whole reincarnation belief.

Self-sacrifice is not encouraged by the Satanic religion. Therefore, unless death comes as an indulgence because of extreme circumstances which make the termination of life a welcome relief from the unendurable earthly existence, suicide is frowned upon by the Satanic religion.
Religious martyrs have taken their own lives, not because life was intolerable for them, but to use their supreme sacrifice as a tool to further the religious belief. We must assume, then, that suicide, if done for the sake of the church, is condoned and even encouraged - even though their scriptures label it a sin - because religious martyrs of the past have always been deified.
It is rather curious that the only time suicide is considered sinful by other religions is when it comes as an indulgence.

Shots fired! Very true, this is.

RELIGIOUS HOLIDAYS


The highest of all holidays in the Satanic religion is the date of one's own birth.

Fuck yeah, I've been doing this one right for years now.

Despite the fact that some of us may not have been wanted, or at least were not particularly planned, we're glad, even if no one else is, that we're here! You should give yourself a pat on the back, buy yourself whatever you want, treat yourself like the king (or god) that you are, and generally celebrate your birthday with as much pomp and ceremony as possible.

I'm sorry, but how lovely is this?

THE BLACK MASS


This was an interesting chapter, with quite a decent history on the religion's mass, including a quick summary of French cult leader La Voisin, the originator of the commercial black mass. This lead to further research on my part, and it was pretty intense, I recommend you do the same.

The stories of unbaptized babies being stolen by Satanists for use in the mass were not only effective propaganda measures, but also provided a constant source of revenue for the Church, in the form of baptism fees. No Christian mother would, upon hearing of these diabolical kidnappings, refrain from getting her child properly baptized, post haste.

This sounds like something that could be true.

To the Satanist, the black mass, in its blaspheming of orthodox rites, is nothing more than a redundancy. The services of all established religions are actually parodies of old rituals performed by the worshippers of the earth and the flesh. In attempts to de-sexualize and de-humanize the Pagan beliefs, later men of spiritual faith whitewashed the honest meanings behind the rituals into the bland euphemisms now considered to be the "true mass". Even if the Satanist were to spend each night performing a black mass, he would no more be performing a travesty than the devout churchgoer who unwittingly attends his own "black mass" - his spoof on the honest and emotionally-sound rites of Pagan antiquity.

I found this interesting, but only serves to make me question all types of modern day mass, including that of Satanism.


(EARTH)
BOOK OF BELIAL
THE MASTERY OF THE EARTH


THE THEORY AND PRACTICE OF SATANIC MAGIC



 I really appreciated this chapter, as it spoke of magic in ways of manipulation, seduction, misdirection, wonderment—even such simple techniques as appearance and scent—which was really rational and demystified the whole spooky woooo Satanic magic concepts.

THE THREE TYPES OF SATANIC RITUAL


This chapter broke down rituals into three sections: sex (yes please); compassionate (the helping of others of yourself); and destruction (the "evil" side of provoking harm on others). As much as I welcomed the neat organisation, it did lose me a bit here. It was like, who does Anton think he is to make up all these rules? I call bullshit. It even came with "warnings" about how they can backfire, which I guess falls too far out of my belief system at this point of my life.

One of the greatest of all fallacies about the practice of ritual magic is the notion that one must believe in the powers of magic before one can be harmed or destroyed by them. Nothing could be farther from the truth, as the most receptive victims of curses have always been the greatest scoffers. The reason is frighteningly simple. The uncivilized tribesman is the first to run to his nearest witch-doctor or shaman when he feels a curse has been placed upon him by an enemy. The threat and presence of harm is with him consciously, and belief in the power of the curse is so strong that he will take every precaution against it. Thus, through the application of sympathetic magic, he will counteract any harm that might come his way. This man is watching his step, and not taking any chances.

That said, this was pretty interesting.


THE INGREDIENTS USED IN THE PERFORMANCE OF SATANIC MAGIC


A. Desire

Desire is basically the motivation.

The Satanist performs his ritual to insure the outcome of his desires, and he would not waste his time nor force of will on something so inconclusive as rolling a pencil off a table, etc. through the application of magic. The amount of energy needed to levitate a teacup (genuinely) would be of sufficient force to place an idea in a group of people's heads half-way across the earth, in turn, motivating them in accordance with your will. The Satanist knows that even if you succeeded in lifting the teacup from the table, it would be assumed that trickery was used anyway. Therefore, if the Satanist wants to float objects in mid- air, he uses wires, mirrors, or other devices, and saves his force for self-aggrandizement. All "gifted" mediums and white- light mystics practice pure and applied stage magic, with their blindfolds and sealed envelopes, and any fairly competent stage magician, carnival worker, or lodge-hall entertainer can duplicate the same effect - although lacking, perhaps, the sanctimonious "spiritual" overtones.

I get this. Why do something the hard way when you can do it the easy way, to the same result? People will doubt you anyway. That said, I was amused that he makes it sound like he could levitate a teacup if he so wanted to, but he just doesn't want to, lol, sure, buddy.

A little child learns that if he wishes for something hard enough, it will come true. This is meaningful. Wishing indicates desire, whereas prayer is accompanied by apprehension. Scripture has twisted desire into lust, covetousness, and greed. Be as a child, and do not stifle desire, lest you lose touch with the first ingredient in the performance of magic. Be led into temptation, and take that which tempts, whenever you can!

Not sure I agree with the prayer thing, surely that's down to the individual's methods and definitions? But I agree with the "be like a child" thing, everyone always tells me to do that.

B. Timing

In every successful situation, one of the most important ingredients is the proper timing. In the performance of a magical ritual, timing can mean success or failure to an even greater extent. The best time to cast your spell or charm, hex or curse, is when your target is at his most receptive state. Receptivity to the will of the magician is assured when the recipient is as passive as possible. No matter how strong-willed one is, he is naturally passive while he is asleep; therefore, the best time to throw your magical energy towards your target is when he or she sleeps.

Hell yeah, fuck 'em while they sleep! It went on to say that the dream state (two hours before they wake) is the best time to cast your attack, use it, don't use it.

There is, however, an easier way, and that is to simply ascertain the dates and frequency of the menstrual cycle of the woman who is your target. It is immediately before and after the period itself that the average woman is most sexually approachable. Therefore, the magician will find the sleep period during these times most effective for the instillation of thoughts or motivations of a sexual nature.

Good to know?

Should the fearful ask, "Is there no defense against such witchery?" it must be answered thus - "Yes, there is protection. You must never sleep, never daydream, never be without a vital thought, and never have an open mind. Then you shall be protected from the forces of magic."

Ha.

C. Imagery

The adolescent boy who takes great care in carving, on a tree, a heart containing his and his love object's initials; the little chap who sits by the hour drawing his conception of sleek automobiles; the tiny girl who rocks a scuffed and ragged doll in her arms, and thinks of it as her beautiful little baby - these capable witches and warlocks, these natural magicians, are employing the magical ingredient known as imagery, and the success of any ritual depends on it.

I like this a lot, as it agrees with most thought movements that claim visualisation manifests into reality, which (in turn) does justify some sort of ritual practice after all. Use your imagination in your intent, put creative into your ceremony.

Anything which serves to intensify the emotions during a ritual will contribute to its success. Any drawing, painting, sculpture, writing, photograph, article of clothing, scent, sound, music, tableau, or contrived situation that can be incorporated into the ceremony will serve the sorcerer well.
Imagery is a constant reminder, an intellect- saving device, a working substitute for the real thing. Imagery can be manipulated, set up, modified, and created, all according to the will of the magician, and the very blueprint that is created by imagery becomes the formula which leads to reality.

Once again, surround yourself with reminders, create your desires in art form, hold the image of what you want in your head. This is a fairly common idea in our age now.

D. Direction

This section basically informs that impatience works against you, you've just got to let it go once you've set out the intention. Which is exactly the same as the Law of Attraction, and exactly the same as prayer, no matter what LaVey says.

E. The Balance Factor

Hahaha if there ever was a section which demonstrated how full of shit The Satanic Bible is, it's this one. It's basically about how you must manage expectations and be reasonable with the magic you are casting, otherwise it won't work. Such crap.

If, in attempting to attain your goal through either greater or lesser magic, you find yourself failing consistently, think about these things: Have you been the victim of a misdirected, over-blown ego which has caused you to want something or someone when the chances are virtually non-existent? Are you a talentless, tone-deaf individual who is attempting, through magic, to receive great acclaim for your unmusical voice? Are you a plain, glamorless witch with oversized feet, nose, and ego, combined with an advanced case of acne, who is casting love spells to catch a handsome young movie star? Are you a gross, lumpy, lewd- mouthed, snaggle-toothed loafer who is desirous of a luscious young stripper? If so, you'd better learn to use the balance factor, or else expect to fail consistently!

Don't expect miracles, basically. This isn't God you're talking to here haha.

The chronic loser is always the man who, having nothing, if unable to make a million dollars, will reject any chance to make fifty thousand with a disgruntled sneer.

Makes sense though.

The man with nothing to offer, who approaches the man who is successful with grandiose advice and promise of great wealth, has the alacrity of the flea climbing up the elephant's leg with the intention of rape!

Funny image that.

MAGIC IS LIKE NATURE ITSELF, AND SUCCESS IN MAGIC REQUIRES WORKING IN HARMONY WITH NATURE, NOT AGAINST IT.

I mean, all things said though, it does have a point.


THE SATANIC RITUAL

In this chapter he finally details how to perform a ritual, and it pisses me off. Here he is, having spent all this time being rational and philosophical, and then it falls apart into the typical Satanic rubbish you always expected it to be, as outdated as the religions it disses. I was very disappointed, it was far too specific and I felt I could also make this shit up if I wanted to, but then again, I'd still give it a go. I understand the notion of intensifying visualisation, if nothing else.

C. TO CAUSE THE DESTURCTION OF AN ENEMY


a. the sticking of pins or nails into a doll representing your victim; the doll may be cloth, wax, wood, vegetable matter, etc.

Here's that voodoo technique we didn't need.

C. DEVICES USED IN A SATANIC RITUAL (CLOTHING)


Black robes are worn by the male participants. The robes may be cowled or hooded, and if desired may cover the face. The purpose in covering the face is to allow the participant freedom to express emotion in the face, without concern. It also lessens distraction on the part of one participant towards another. Female participants wear garments which are sexually suggestive; or all black clothing for older women.

Sexist and ageist!

C. DEVICES USED IN A SATANIC RITUAL (SYMBOL OF BAPHOMET)


In its "pure" form the pentagram is shown encompassing the figure of a man in the five points of the star - three points up, two pointing down - symbolizing man's spiritual nature. In Satanism the pentagram is also used, but since Satanism represents the carnal instincts of man, or the opposite of spiritual nature, the pentagram is inverted to perfectly accommodate the head of the goat - its horns, representing duality, thrust upwards in defiance; the other three points inverted, or the trinity denied. The Hebraic figures around the outer circle of the symbol which stem from the magical teachings of the Kabala, spell out "Leviathan", the serpent of the watery abyss, and identified with Satan. These figures correspond to the five points of the inverted star.

Pentagram explained.


(WATER)
THE BOOK OF LEVIATHAN
THE RAGING SEA


INVOCATION TO SATAN


In nomine Dei nostri Satanas Luciferi excelsi!
In the name of Satan, the Ruler of the earth, the King of the world, I command the forces of Darkness to bestow their Infernal power upon me!
Open wide the gates of Hell and come forth from the abyss to greet me as your brother (sister) and friend!
Grant me the indulgences of which I speak!
I have taken thy name as a part of myself! I live as the beasts of the field, rejoicing in the fleshly life! I favor the just and curse the rotten!
By all the Gods of the Pit, I command that these things of which I speak shall come to pass!
Come forth and answer to your names by manifesting my desires!

You see! Right there! Literally calls upon Satan, doesn't it?

INVOCATION EMPLOYED TOWARDS THE CONJURATION OF LUST


(Male) My rod is athrust! The penetrating force of my venom shall shatter the sanctity of that mind which is barren of lust; and as the seed falleth, so shall its vapours be spread within that reeling brain benumbing it to helplessness according to my will! In the name of the great god Pan, may my secret thoughts be marshalled into the movements of the flesh of that which I desire!
Shemhamforash! Hail Satan!
(Female) My loins are aflame! The dripping of the nectar from my eager cleft shall act as pollen to that slumbering brain, and the mind that feels not lust shall on a sudden reel with crazed impulse. And when my mighty surge is spent, new wanderings shall begin; and that flesh which I desire shall come to me. In the names of the great harlot of Babylon, and of Lilith, and of Hecate, may my lust be fulfilled!
Shemhamforash! Hail Satan!

Sex prayers, lol. Quite poetic.

INVOCATION EMPLOYED TOWARDS THE CONJURATION OF DESTRUCTION


It repenteth me not that my summons doth ride upon the blasting winds which multiply the sting of my bitterness; And great black slimy shapes shall rise from brackish pits and vomit forth their pustulence into his (her) puny brain.
I call upon the messengers of doom to slash with grim delight this victim I hath chosen. Silent is that voiceless bird that feeds upon the brain- pulp of him (her) who hath tormented me, and the agony of the is to be shall sustain itself in shrieks of pain, only to serve as signals of warning to those who would resent my being.

This whole section was well written and imaginative. I dig it. Evil.


THE ENOCHIAN KEYS


The final 120 pages of this book felt like the most useless to me, with very little info from page to page. To give you some idea: there are 19 Enochian Keys, and for each key, there was a full page for the title, a full page for a one sentence summary of the key's purpose, a full page dedicated to the original Enochian language, a full page dedicated to the elegant translation, and two blank pages between them all. This means that there were basically six pages of fuckall for each one, which seemed to me like an attempt just to make the book appear larger. Even the English Keys were so nonsensical and metaphorical, that you'd end up turning these last pages extra fast, hardly taking anything in.
For that reason, I had to do my own independent research on the matter. It seems Enochian magic is based on the 16th-century writings of Dr. John Dee and Edward Kelley, which was said to be delivered to them "by angels" and have a "magical effect which cannot be described" which does not fill me with confidence. Apparently LaVey adapted the Aleister Crowley versions of these texts further just to include the name of Satan, to which many (including Israel Regardie, Aleister Crowley's personal secretary) have criticised as a subpar reworking, and even "stupid".

Related: some have also accused LaVey of paraphrasing the Nine Satanic Statements from Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged novel without acknowledgement. Anton responded by stating that his variant of Satanism is basically "just Ayn Rand's philosophy, with ceremony and ritual added", which makes me feel like I read the wrong book anyway, so maybe start there instead.


Tuesday, 28 February 2017

God's Best Jokes


God's Best Jokes
Despite my fierce agnosticism, I have always had this inherent belief that there is a power greater than us, due to the ample evidence of such a presence floating about. Evidence like the sun rising. Or Margot Robbie. However, the biggest hint towards some type of a larger vibration, comes from the very subject matter of this stupid blog piece: the humour which seems to run through all things, laughing at us through fuck-ups so inventive that no mere human could possibly have such a depth of imagination. I believe it was David Rothenberg who said “Life is far more interesting than it needs to be, because the forces that guide it are not merely practical,” and I find this to be true. It’s the very reason why concepts such as Murphy's Law exist; for even if life is a series of random events or calculations evolving to balance itself out or a virtual reality game run by aliens, these processes have been blatantly programmed to do weird shit almost as a priority, because even if you find your existence to be one of misery or pointlessness, I guarantee a large portion of it could make for a fairly decent comedic TV show. You're a fucking joke yourself, basically. It's as if God is teasing us, just like he teased Moses in the desert, while we run around without any idea of why we are here, tripping over shoddy designs and then frustrated by absurd gags that are absolutely hilarious just so long as they are happening to someone else. Which is why, ever since I found enlightenment, I have developed the exceptional ability to observe and appreciate some of the greatest jokes God has ever pulled, and I offer them to you here so that we can all laugh with God, just like Regina Spektor recommended we do. Hahahaaaaarrrrugh.


God's Best Jokes: 05. The Nipple

#5: THE NIPPLE

This joke isn’t a particularly good one, but I desperately needed any old thing to round this list off to a nice number, so watch how hard I try to make this funny hahahalp.

According to Facebook’s sex options, we now have 72 distinctive genders, but as far as nipples go, no gender has nipples as stupid as the male version specifically. They are a meaningless addition, as inconsequential as Bill Gates winning the lotto, a lazy aftermath which serves no evolutionary purpose and yet has somehow survived, refusing to dissolve from our biological make up, a hairy decoration which conspires with the naval to portray an elongated surprised emoji upon our torsos.

As everyone should know by now, the backstory of male nipples are a hurried script at best, and begins (like all good body things) in the mommy womb. After the sperm and egg shake hands and make out, all human life begins as a female, which is because women are way easier to produce, whilst men are far more complicated and superior by design, requiring a little more time to bake properly. I mean, just look at our willies! Those things probably take about nine months to roll out of clay alone, depending on how big yours is. So, basically, it's kind of like the man-body received the instruction to embed the organic code which should eventually grow into tits, and then it was interrupted, now nothing more than undeveloped boobs, a permanent reminder that God deleted a file during mid-download and didn’t bother to do a system cleanup. And that is the reason why I got mine pierced. I took it upon myself to justify their existence, as well as granting Life a great excuse to hurt me greatly if it ever so desires.

But, of course, humankind took this shit joke even further. Despite their similar appearance, the banks in charge deemed it ok for children to look at men’s nipples, but not women’s nipples. Why this has happened should be extremely obvious: it’s because when you see a female nipple, a deep rooted infant reminder malfunctions in your head, telling you that are still hungry for mommy's milk, and we simply cannot have hungry people running around the world desperately trying to suckle on a teat all the time. It would be chaos and counterproductive to the capitalist system. Although, that said, it is actually okay now to show breastfeeding on most social networking platforms, because that’s normal and natural and should be celebrated, right? But heaven forbid a completely lone untouched female nipple is seen! Hell no, that would be pornographic and disgusting.


God's Best Jokes: 04. Flatulence

#4: FLATULENCE

A well timed fart is no secret joke. Quite the opposite, in fact. More often than not, it's overused, functioning as the punchline to various comedic set-ups throughout the ages, and yet, still to this very day, with the correct delivery, the trick can still pack a decent laugh, no matter how immature. Yes, it's safe to say that many of us humans have mastered the art of fart, so what’s God got to do with it? I'm going to tell you, really really soon.

But first: despite what you may have heard, everyone farts. Even girls fart, I’ve seen some stuff on the internet. How it works is that gas from various sources (swallowing of air and/or the foods we eat, some of which are more guilty than others) build up in your stomach and need to escape, otherwise you may feel bloated and uncomfortable, some doctors even reporting that holding in this natural process as a main cause for hemorrhoids or a distended bowel. So no big deal, right? Just let it go! Everyone does it! No harm done! Except here are the kickers: it not only stinks, which could ruin your company’s day, but it also makes a noise, which guides everyone directly to you, the perpetrator. It is deemed unattractive, and being attractive is the most important thing there is, so actually don't do it, ever again, hemorrhoids be damned.

The smell itself is an exclusive result from the fart's sulphur content alone, which only makes up around 1% of the total ingredients of your own custom brand of wind. And that's what gets me. 1%? That seems a bit unnecessary, doesn't it? Why the fuck is that there? Why can’t we just absorb this tiny bit of matter into our bloodstream and let our hearts fart it out on the inside? I’ll tell you why. It’s because God is making a joke. Because he wants you to be embarrassed.

The noise is less the gases' fault, and more so your funny anuses' fault, which is vibrating like a horse’s mouth, announcing to the world that, yes, this person right here just let one rip. We all know this is a completely natural noise, a part of the whole mammal kingdom since the dawn of time, but we will still judge you. It's unacceptable behaviour. You are infecting the otherwise tasty oxygen with the digested smell of your poo gas, and that is not only inconsiderate, but also extremely funny to anyone who isn’t immediately involved, including God. But don't worry, God helps those who helps themselves, and there are ways to hush the audio informant, such as performing a sneaky stretch of the buttocks to gape your hole, ensuring the anus lips don't kiss and can't betray you. Apparently regular anal sex also helps with the ninja stealth, as your massive butthole will give a reverse gasp while you snicker at the morning commuters who cough and lift their collars over their mouths without a target to blame. You see? Laughing with God!

Of course, the etiquette textbook teaches us to endure this vapourware annoyance until you can get to a man-made toilet, a sanitation fixture specifically designed as a porcelain chamber which will amplify the sound even louder, one great echo for everyone in earshot distance, each blast blessing an angel with its wings.


God's Best Jokes: 03. Tickling

#3: TICKLING

In many ways, this is the epitome of God's jokes, because you will actualol out loud, but won’t find it funny whatsoever, the biggest proof that the powers in charge are sick and find joy in your suffering.

What’s interesting about tickling is that no one really knows how it works, the topic gone under vigorous debate by the greatest minds in history, including Aristotle, Francis Bacon, Charles Darwin, Plato, and Galileo Galilei. The act itself is something I’m sure we are all familiar with, one deep embedded traumatic experience after another, forever shuddering to the surface with visions of that time my uncle pinned me down as a kid and tickled me until tears, his abusive fingers only encouraged by the betrayal of my own laughter, giving the inaccurate impression that I was having a wonderful time when, in fact, I fucking hated the whole world in those moments. And that’s the joke really, a concentrated form of anguish in which we squirm in severe discomfort, and yet according to any witness statements, we were having the greatest of times, because just look at how much we were laughing. Contrary to everything we have been taught about expression and natural instinct, we burst into some hysterical glee in these moments of rape and hatred. It’s rubbish.

As stated above, the reasons for such a misleading reaction are unknown, but like all things, it has been hypothesised to death. Some consider it an important method of bonding a child to its parents, which I don’t buy, because I personally have had thoughts of murder against my own mom and dad for the incidents described. A better idea, in my opinion, is that these sensations develop in the womb, to aid the foetus in finding the best positions to chill, which sounds like something an unborn child would do, idk, can't remember. And finally, another relatively reasonable theory is that the whole tickling practice is designed to ease combat skills into us, teaching us to defend sensitive areas as well as how to remove ourselves from a situation as fast as possible. None of this changes the fact that God is a dick, though. Surely there are less bothersome methods.

Naturally, we as humans have exploited this form of torture as actual legitimate forms of torture, one well documented approach in war time and the BDSM scene alike, a nonconsensual invasion where the victim laughs until they cry until they beg for mercy, which reminds me of my uncle all over again, why did he do that. But hey, at least we can train ourselves to build a tickling tolerance, by spending a few hours a day tickling ourselves, except no, you can’t, because it’s impossible to tickle your own person, as it is a sin to touch yourself in any manner, for the Bible tells us so.


God's Best Jokes: 02. Balls

#2: BALLS

Testicles are very important, believe me, I know, I have two of them. They work like little eager factories which produce between 70 to 150 million sperm per fucking day! That means that if every one of those tiny swimmers somehow grew up into a full human, it would take only one man to equal the current world population in about three months or so with one squirt a day. That’s nuts, lol. This is why boys are so horny when they are younger. They suddenly have hundreds of millions of half-potential children living in their nads, literally screaming to get out, driving you insane, giving you random erections, vomiting out of your peehole at any given chance. Thankfully, when you get older, you kind of get used to it and lose interest, because the screams of unborn children can get so repetitive.

Ok, so here’s the joke though, and in my opinion, the worst design God has ever made. For such precious and fragile body parts, it seems a bit careless to sag them as low as possible on the outside of the body, doesn't it? Just two horrific accidents waiting to happen. The purpose for such a lousy positioning does sound reasonable at first glance, as it is told that our tiny spermies develop much stronger at a temperature cooler than that of our body. It also helps to keep the tadpoles dormant, because as soon as they are active and racing for the prize, they die relatively quickly, the vast majority never reaching the finish line, dried up and wasted, just like your dreams. Ok, great, so that’s one logical explanation GOD, but here's the main question: seeing as you are all-knowing and all-powerful and the omnipresent ruler of all knowledge, couldn’t you have just, you know, made it so that sperm actually developed better when warm? If you managed to create planets and stars and a carefully balanced eco system, why not just make sperm out of another substance that enjoys a touch of heat now and again? No? Ok, I have another suggestion then: how about you place them on the inside of the body, and then introduce some sort of a ventilation system, perhaps above the pubic region? That way, we can still keep an eye on them and also it would be a pretty funky addition to our biology, just take the money from the nipple budget. I mean, to be honest, I wouldn't be so opposed to their exposed location, if you hadn't made these chaps so sensitive to injury, for some fucking reason. Why would you leave the organ with some of the most hyper nerve-endings, unprotected and open to assault? Unless of course, you find it really funny when a dude gets struck in his least favourite place, laughing as the two testes crawl up inside of the abdomen, snip the wires to the legs, ensuring we fall down, delating the stomach so we vomit, then tying a knot in our throat so we can't breath. Hilarious! And there we lie for an extended period of time, defeated in one second flat, unable to remember our own name, potentially permanently impotent, possibly kick-starting some dormant testicular cancer, the most common cancer in males aged 20–39 years.

It has been said that God made man on the sixth day. The day before the day of rest. Pretty tired by the time he made the balls, I imagine, probably just kinda saying “lol, that’ll do” and then giving himself a high five before having a little nap.


God's Best Jokes: 01. The vagina

#1: THE VAGINA

I want to approach this final subject matter with all the cautious respect it deserves, so please allow me to begin with the open statement that (as with any heterosexual male), I am a massive fan of the vagina. A superfan. A vagina groupie. Almost every decision I’ve ever made can somehow be traced back to some instinctual compulsion to get close to one of these incredible works of art, and that is the fundamental point of this whole entry.

You see, all vaginas are beautiful. Granted, some are more beautiful than others, but I’d hate to be the cause of aggravation for anyone’s underlying insecurity with their lady bits, which is why I want all females reading this to know that, no matter what mess lies between your legs, the vast majority of my gender would probably kill another human just to get a glimpse of your package. We truly are not fussy about appearances just so long as it’s still a recognisable example of woman genitalia. However, if you are willing to take your finger off of your trigger for just for a second, let's all be honest without ourselves and admit that vaginas are kinda ugly. This goes for penises too, don’t worry, God is not a sexist bloke, it’s all fucking gross if you imagine it as an animal’s face or whatever. But the vag has a lot more going on with it. Loads of skin and flaps and pubes and whatnot. Quite a drastic variation from person to person. A very difficult thing to draw properly, trust me, I've tried.

But, of course, like the vagina itself, it all goes much deeper than that. These sexual organs are, in fact, very dangerous entities. Not only could any given one of them come festering with some highly contagious diseased parasites within (which is a decent God joke in itself), but they are also the only type of garden fertile enough that you can actually grow babies in there. Even worse, I know people who have fallen into long term relationships based on the alluring vagina power alone, which is a very scary concept for anyone who enjoys life. All of these consequences have one thing in common: whether a virus or a child-meadow or some sort of lengthy committed human connection... Pussy. Ruins. Lives.

As if this wasn’t far enough, it gets way worse. Personally, I love the way vagina smells, it is the aroma of victory to me, but every girl has her off days where a lesser-man would make some sort of a seafood reference, but I won't do that, because I'm worried this article has already cock blocked me enough. Furthermore, these special holes also routinely discharge a bunch of bloody uterus lining which makes a fucking mess and upsets its host greatly, which isn’t easy for anyone of us to deal with, please just tell me what I can do to help, I'm sorry for everything. Not to mention 75% of all vaginas will experience yeast infection at least once in their life, and it’s not the good kind of yeast either, like the beer or bread kind, it's the way more gross kind, I've seen it, you can't make anything useful from it. Take all of this and let it settle inside of your mind and maybe we can agree: vaginas should be, by all accounts, the most horrifically repulsive and fear-inducing matter the world has ever seen.

And here is the joke (drumroll please): it’s not the most horrifically repulsive and fear-inducing matter the world has ever seen. Quite the opposite, in fact, as it is probably the most desirable objective in anyone’s life who subscribes to that sexual orientation. I guess for some reproductive reason or other, God grew slightly concerned that he had made a monster here which could mean the extinction of mankind before it even began, and so instead of neatening the bits up or perhaps even separating the countless functions of the vagina, he simply opted to swap a few wires in man’s mind, and now it is literally the only fucking thing we think about. Wars have been fought for vaginas. Lifelong friendships and families have been discarded without thought just because one vagina presented itself as a potential option. You may think us males also want money and fame and success, but that’s not true, we literally only want anything because we hope it brings us the pussy afterwards. It works on an animal level, at the end of the day. We intend to attract the best (and as many) partners as possible. Why do you think that asshole guy wanted to get as far away from you as possible after he ejaculated? It’s because your cunning cunt’s magic had worn off, and he regretted what he had done, despite the fact that he was salivating all over it and promising you love and houses and cars only seconds before. Or how about that dude who really did love you? Why do you think he fell asleep directly after he came in you vagina's glorious presence? It’s because the job was done, game finished, level achieved, nothing in the world bothers him anymore, nothing at all, one fuck given now gone, peaceful rest at long last.

In all seriousness though, ladies, this is not something to get upset about. You have a super-weapon at your immediate disposal. With all the female vagina power combined, you could reduce the entire man-collective into puddles of tears within a few days, feminism would have no need to exist, you would not only control the entire planet, but realise you have been controlling it this whole time all along. I know you want to be appreciated for your mind, I know you hate the "piece of meat" analogy, but you're missing the point: God blessed you with an atomic flesh bomb, one that proves men are weak and stupid and completely unable to fight against you. Just look at the 2009 Kenya sex strike. It took exactly seven days before the government agreed to reconsider everything they had ever said about anything. Pussy power. If I had one, I'd destroy the very core of society, because that's the type of guy I am. "WHO'S LAUGHING NOW!??" I'd probably scream at the sky, but I can't do that, because I don't have a vagina, can I borrow yours though? This whole blog is so dumb, Christ.