Toe Cleavage

Believe it or not, when I originally made the decision to start Juice Nothing and write blogs for my billions of fans, the first topic I ever wanted to tackle was toe cleavage. I felt it was the right kind of important yet fairly unspoken about to be my first release. But I got cold feet, so to speak, and wrote about the birth of Jesus instead.

But now, over a year and a half later, I have decided that the time has come to produce my quick thoughts on the subject. And ever since Twitter came about, all my thoughts are quick.

When you live in London, you see a lot of people. I get off a train, walk through Liverpool Street Station, and get on another train twice a day, during peek traffic. This means I literally see thousands of people pretty much everyday of my life, none of whom I ever recognize.

It’s fascinating as it is annoying, and in these situations I tend to try and amuse myself as best I can. That’s when this observation came about. Toe cleavage. Was it on purpose? Was it a crime of fashion? Do these people even realise what they are doing? What is the meaning of it all??

At this point, I know some people would be asking if I have some kind of a foot-fetish. And the truth is, I have an everything fetish. No part of a woman doesn’t turn me on, so just think about that next time I look at you.

Now, there are four kinds of toe cleavage. The first being none at all, which is nice, but useless for the topic on hand. The second (and much more interesting) is the most subtle form of toe cleavage. Maybe just one or two creases, the pinkie and ring-toe, peeking ever so slightly out the top of shoe. This is HOT, and I am not alone in thinking so. In fact, it is recommended by many stylists, including Spanish fashion designer Manolo Blahnik, who said that "the secret of toe cleavage (a very important part of the sexuality of the shoe) is that you must only show the first two cracks." It’s sexually suggestive, much like traditional cleavage, and I salute any female who embraces this style on purpose.

Then there is the third type of toe cleavage, which is also known as “a LOT of toe cleavage”, every toe making itself present with 4 lines sticking out from the shoe. This only works if you have super nice feet (and let's face it, you don't) otherwise it is a bit overkill for me. What's the matter honey, did they not have it in your size? Or do you not realise what you have done? That said, there are probably tons of guys who get off on it, but then again tons of guys get off on granny poo too. For me none of this really works.

Finally, there is the proper mess, and I have only ever really seen this once. This rather large African lady had shoved her foot into a shoe like a pack of sausages into a shot glass. There were toes bursting out everywhere, her pinkie itself was fully showing, squashed almost underneath her foot as if it was deformed. Maybe it was. I mean, why wear the shoe at all? I CAN SEE YOUR ENTIRE FOOT AND IT LOOKS PAINFUL AND DISGUSTING.

And I hope with that, you feel more conscious about toe cleavage. Look out for it on the next escalator. Decide what you like. Judge people by how much of their toes you can see. Put them into a categories. Put yourself into a category. Think about this for the rest of the day.

With that, here’s this:


JUICE NOTHING
First things first, I put a little roof onto the website's header, do you like it? I love it! For a year or something, those two yellow characters seemingly floating in mid-air bothered the shit out of me. But now I feel like I can leave that be for a while, thank god, especially with the introduction of another character you may recognize.

Second of all, a new blog was just launched called “The Best Songs Of 2011 So Far (according to me)". I am very happy with it because I have finally figured out a secret formula to writing a new style of reviews, which will serve me until I die. Stoked.

Besides that, I have the working of 4 other blogs in progress, ideas for millions of others, and have got pretty far with the rough draft of my next short story. It’s going to be a harsh one.


THE FUNPOWDER PLOT
Literally a few days after the last news piece, we launched our video The First Date. The response has been thrilling to say the least, and here I will reveal for the first time what is exactly going on. Basically, I have a “chronic eating disorder” or so they say, called Rumination Syndrome. What this means is that my guts want to puke after every meal, but it doesn’t stink or taste like puke, and is quite effortless. I told my girlfriend Lizzie about this, and she said she would eat it if what I said was true. I had the idea to film it. A few discussions and a load of jelly later, we had this clip, filmed in less than an hour, post-production in less than 2 days. It recently hit 1000 views on YouTube, meaning: more hits than any other video we’ve done, besides that David Lynch one.

But with great awesomness comes great plagiarism, and within 24 hours, some guy stole half of the video to promote his company ClassiPhix. In fury, we pulled the weight of our friends together and shut it down in 35 minutes. Take a look by clicking this:

It's a bit boring, but still, I would like to thank everyone who helped us out, you guys rock my world. Honestly, it was one the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen, and proves the power of social networking once again.

Anyways, it seems the hibernation period for us is over, and everyone in the FPP (including Loose who is back from the battle in Austria (he didn’t win)) have been actively discussing our next move, which will be the first project where everyone will play a major role. Excited is an understatement, hopefully it will get done in the next 2 months at most. Gonna be a biggie.


HELP JARED WOODS MEET LILY ALLEN
So as I mentioned last time, I had news, which was an interview on Belgium Radio about this project. It was a little bit awkward for me, and in hindsight it does sound like they thought I knew Lily personally, but it’s a small dream come true and you can listen to it here:



I thought this was going to propel me into stardom, but instead, I got a 14 extra hits on my website. The power of modern radio huh? Blergh, back to the drawing board.


COMING DOWN HAPPY
I have been working SUPER hard on this and I can say that if my progress was a circle with 2 points heading in opposite directions, they are finally turning the corner to face each other. I have also set-up a specific way of measuring my progress based on a heavy equation, and I can say with almost full surety that I have 17.5% complete of the final stretch. Which looks real small, I know, but it will only get faster, and especially the final 15% will be done in a few days, I think. I don’t have a deadline any more, I can’t rush this, but I am hoping to get it done before October. September. December. End of 2011 at max. But it's better than anything I have ever done before ever, including being born.


ALBUM CHARTS
Things are still going strong, passed 300 albums the other day which is great! I also went back and fine-combed the January section, which meant re-listening, reordering and rereviewing every single one of them, resulting in a much more accurate list. To give you some idea, Cape Dory by Tennis went up 34 places. I also lowered the quality for all of Jan’s images, leaving it uglier but with a much faster loading time. I have started this process for February too now. Loads of fun mate. Loads of fun.


FORMSPRING
As if everything above isn’t enough, I did manage to answer one formspring question. And despite the lack of response, it is one of my favourites of all time, and don’t be surprised if I make a comic of it one day. Read it here:
Madonna vs. Lady Gaga: Street Fighter Style!


Shew, I think that’s it. I am not sure when the next update will be because my little sister is coming to stay with me for the whole of July, and I don't know if writing blogs would be enough entertainment for her. But I'm sure I can get some shit done.
As per usual, follow me on Twitter (I’m really funny) and check back next time for more stuff I say.

Love Jared
(and I know you do)

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