Urinals

I’m 27 years old and I still fear urinals. Very often in a public bathroom if all the stalls are occupied, I pretend like I need a shit and wait for them to become available, even if there is just one other guy using the facilities. Sometimes I shift nervously on my feet and place my hands on my buttocks, wincing a bit as if I really really got a big log coming. You know, to make it seem more authentic (even though I probably just come across as a dramatwat).

The reason I do this is because so many times I have stood there with my wang hanging out, and nothing comes. Some dude will be breathing heavily next to me, pissing away joyfully, and I just can’t force the liquid's motion. I can literally feel the urine retreating back up into my bladder. It’s no concern about dick size, mind you - I’d happily pull my pants down in front of a crowded bathroom and shout “LOOK AT THIS!” Hell, I could probably even have a wank into the urinal much faster. But instead, my mind plays games, my urethra gets shy, and so I do a pretend shake and walk away. But I know I didn’t pee. And I’m certain the guy next to me knows I didn’t pee too, and is probably thinking “ooh, look at the scaredy boy, so self conscious he can’t even take a leak.” What’s worse is that I still need a fucking piss.

Of course, this doesn’t apply when I’m drunk. I whip that shit out anywhere and let all the urine flow, unafraid and proud. In fact, one of my favourite things to do whilst intoxicated is to stand next to a guy at the urinal and then start pissing before he does. And suddenly, he can’t pee anymore. Hell yes bitch, the roles are reversed! I purposefully take longer so he writhes in discomfort, his mind now fucking with his penis. I grunt and keep an eye on him using my peripheral vision, so even though he isn't sure, it does feel like I'm aware that this job isn't getting done. And sometimes... just sometimes... if I’m lucky enough... he’ll do a fake shake and walk away.

Girls will never understand this shit.


So, wow, how ya’ll doing?? It’s been ages since I’ve updated this thing, which in all fairness is exactly what I intended to do. I said so. But if you are even remotely interested in my shit, you’ll know that I’ve been a very busy boy lately. It’s actually a miracle I’m posting here even now. Well, I won’t keep you in suspense, here is what’s been happening in my creative world:


COMING DOWN HAPPY
God, I’m already so sick of that name. But it is nice that after 3.5 years, this project is actually out there, with just one last song to go. It has caused so much trouble in life. I have lost friends and even family members, and yet I am still glowing with pride. It’s kind of like having a son who becomes the biggest mass murderer in history. You know it’s wrong, but goddamn, at least he wasn’t second best.
The final video will be launched this Thursday here. And if you haven’t watched the others, I urge you to do so. Never have I done something so intense and amazing. If it sounds like I’m boasting, it’s because I fucking am.

JUICE NOTHING
Now while it seems to have been quiet on this side, I have actually been writing something fierce. I’ve just launched the Top 50 Lyrics Ever (according to me) article, which was a quick one (this news post is probably longer) but I feel it’s a worthy piece and something I’ve been meaning to do for ages.
Besides this, I have a collaborative piece 100% done (I think) but am waiting for the word from the partner in crime. Er... if you’re reading this, get back to me please?? Thanks.
I have also got another article 90% written which will be done very very soon, and another old one I will be reworking. Plus there are many others. Basically, what I am saying is this: every year I aim to do 12 pieces at least, and 2012 will be no different. I launched the final 2 parts of The Top 50 Albums Of 2011, Reinterpreted As Short Stories in January, and have launched said lyrics blog now, in April. April is the 4th month of the year, so 4 - 2 - 1 = 1. Which means if I launch 2 blogs next month (which I will), I am already 100% up-to-date. But at this rate, I’ll be launching 2 blogs in June too, which will put me ahead.
What’s my secret? Writing on the tube, bitch.

THE FUNPOWDER PLOT
Much like Juice Nothing, a weird thing has happened here: we are collecting a backlog of unfinished work. Nitrous 2 is surely done, but I just don’t understand wtf is going on. Some finishing touches everyone wants that I bitch about, but no one listens. However, and so help me God, May it will be launched.
Besides this, Ammr has been working hard on a rad project, and is very far with this. Loose has been the center of another idea, which is half shot I believe. We have a full piece shot for Halloween already and I have another idea which I will be pushing to be filmed in May.
Then if (IF) I can convince the boys to shoot a Coming Down Happy music video, we already have 6 projects in motion - which is much better than last years 2, would you agree? Yes, you would.


Finally, I must end off by saying that My Head Is So Full Of Fuck right now. I have been writing my fingers to the second knuckle and working my ass to the stomach on Coming Down Happy. Plus my real job has been insane AND I am moving house at the end of this month, which is an organizational mindfuck on its own. All of this pressure would normally cause tension within me, but what has ended up happening is a blur. Each minute of my day is so full up that I only stop to eat (quickly) and sleep. The weeks evaporate and I can’t tell the days apart. It’s numbing and it’s fast and I can’t even see it happen. Maybe this is how you’re supposed to do it all along: push yourself so hard that you break on through to the other side, where routine propels you past time an you build and empire without even being there.

Anyways, follow me on Twitter.
Jared

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