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Thursday, 28 December 2017

Dear 2017,


Heyyyyy! I told you I would write!

Man, you know what I really wanna start with saying? I really wanna start with saying that, as much as I appreciate you, you have to realise how these yearly letters are killing me! All my friends are relaxing right now, enjoying their Xmas time off, and yet here I am, using the tiny gap at the end of the year devoted to your existence. I am definitely getting older now because this is the 8th one of these writings I've put together, and they sure are getting more tiring. I feel like I'm going to explode and die! I really do!

Oh! You know what I really wanna say next? I wanna talk about that cliché everyone vomits each year, the one that goes "oh my willy, can you believe this year has gone by so fast? Wow!" Well, it's actually got to the point now that I'm not sure what's going on. I mean, I remember so much about you, 2017, but when I try to define you accurately by using timelines and diagrams, it's kinda like an acid trip blur. Yeah, that's it. An acid trip blur! One where we kinda just accepted that Trump was over there now, as we muttered every time someone mentioned Brexit, but for the most part, we were too sleepy to be bothered anymore. So instead, we made Boomerang videos from our fidget spinners and mocked suicide as we watched 13 Reasons Why, everyone more woke than ever, especially those who shouted about how flat the world still was, and those who hung onto their Bitcoins as they shot out into the stars made out of fake gold. In fact, this blurry acid trip was quite fun really, if you learned how to look on the bright side of things. Like how those silly Nazis came out and about, or how women joined forces and tore down celebrities with machine guns of sexual misconduct accusations, or how North Korea kept making really loud noises but ultimately sat in their special little corner. Yeah, all in all, my 2017 acid trip with you was great, as I really got my shit in order. As soon as the gun had fired at the starting line, I was already living in a rad house with my best mate, my relationship status was looking very promising, my health was under close watch, I still had a full time job at a great company, I was buying loads of vinyl, I was masturbating to VR Porn on the regular... looking at it that way, you truly were everything God/Satan had promised me all those years ago. You were the best year of my life, 2017! And nothing went wrong at all.

Wait, well, actually, come to think of it, there were times when the acid turned bad. Those nasty London acid attacks, for examples, were horrific, that was some bad bad acid, not even making a joke here, did not dig that shit at all. And there were other things too. Things you did. Things I did. Things I blame everyone else for. I'm not even sure why I'm going into it now, because that is the whole purpose of this letter. To reflect back on everything that made you 2017, trying my best to honour you and not to leave anything out, whilst also ensuring I shine the spotlight on myself as often as possible, look at me. If only you could look at me, my eyes are drying out. That's why this has been super rushed, not my best writing. There will be spelling erors. There will be blood. There will be a conclusion at the end, potentially with a test. Fucking hell, Dear 2017, here is your flashback:

Use the following key to find what you are looking for much quicker:

ICON DESCRIPTION
Personal stuff that relates to me.
Notable people who have died.
General news, often of a political nature.
Some big event.
Disasters, mostly natural.
Internet related news.
Music related news.
Film/TV related news.
Science/Technology related news.
Award ceremonies.
Gigs I went to.
Trips I went on.
Books I read.
Articles I wrote/Juice Nothing related news.
Music I made/Coming Down Happy related news.
Sectlinefor (my band) related news.
Videos we made/The Funpowder Plot related news.
Paintings/Art I did all by myself.
Dennis Publishing (job) related news.
Money I won.
The King/Queen of 2016.
My tweets which I am the most proud of.



Dear 2017, January: Women March Against Trump, La La Land Wins Stuff, Cash Me Ousside, Salt Bae Salt Baeing, Sectlinefor Release Anorexic Insect Debut Album

01 Jan
2017 started with a chilled one, just a bunch of my best mates in my house, listening to music, reflecting on 2016, and getting fucked up. It was pleasant, and even the aftermath was not as bad as usual, as I was equipped with a special type of invincibility coat.
For you see, only a day earlier, I had finally slept with a girl that I'd been chasing for a long time. Even back at this point, however, I had no idea how much of my 2017 would revolve around her. Ladies and Gentlemen, please meet Sarah. We'll be talking about her a lot for the whole year to come.
In other news: Dry January starts now!

02 Jan
My band, Sectlinefor, releases our debut album, Anorexic Insect.

03 Jan
What became known as the 2017 Chicago Kidnapping Livestream was where Brittany Herring and three of her friends abducted a mentally challenged man, and then tortured him on Facebook Livestream, whilst shouting “fuck white people” and “fuck Donald Trump”. The victim survived and all four assailants were arrested.

05 Jan
Kinda like our first date, Sarah and I went ice skating at the Natural History Museum. Cute, right?
Despite existing since Dec 2016, it was here where the phrase "Cash Me Ousside, How Bow Dah" really spread over the internet, coined by 13-year-old Danielle Bregoli on The Dr. Phil Show. Despite the general public's mockery, she used the platform like a pro, eventually calling herself Bhad Bhabie, starting a trap music career, becoming the youngest female rap artist to debut on the music chart, and getting signed by Atlantic Records. Now that's how you fucking do it.
Ok, and here we go, that super narcissistic thing I do each year, called #Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017. This is my best work this year, according to me. First up:
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (1/50): Your 30s are kind of like your 20s except everyone looks a little more tired.

06 Jan
Nielsen reports here that in 2016, streaming had become the primary method of listening to music for the first time in history, with roughly 251 billion streams over the course of the year.
Tilly was the famous killer whale/orca who was the main topic of the 2013 documentary Blackfish. He died today from bacterial infection at age 35.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (2/50): Facebook Friendversary videos are really great especially if you want to annoy everyone except for yourself and one other person.

07 Jan
This was arguably the most perfect day of the year for me. I woke up next to a beautiful girl, had sex with her, she left, I painted, I wrote a blog piece, and then I went and watched a movie with my best buddy Ammr, shooting a video review for it afterwards. The perfect mix of love and creativity. I remember stepping back out of myself and just thinking "You know what? Maybe everything is going to be ok after all."
Turkish chef Nusret Gökçe became super famous around here, simply because of his weird cooking tricks which included his signature move of sprinkling salt down his arm. He became known as Salt Bae.

08 Jan
I finished painting David Bowie Walrus, Lost in Space on the man's first birthday since his passing :broken heart emoji:
74th Golden Globe Awards happened today. La La Land became the 7th film to win every single award it was nominated for, seven in total, standing as the most successful film in Golden Globe Awards history.
The Pioneer Cabin Tree (AKA The Tunnel Tree) was a giant sequoia in Calaveras Big Trees State Park, California. Known as one of the U.S.'s most famous trees, it was said to be more than 1,000 years old, measuring 33 feet in diameter. A storm today knocked it right over, dead.

10 Jan
I was asked by the group Mensvreters to write a quick bio for them, and I was like, hell yeah! Because I love them. It's called Mensvreters: The Death of 2017.
Armando Joseph "Buddy" Greco was American jazz and pop singer and pianist, who wrote (among other hits) "The Lady Is a Tramp", which sold over one million copies. He recorded over 60 albums, conducted the London Symphony Orchestra, performed for Queen Elizabeth II, performed with the Beatles, and died today at age 90.

11 Jan
This just in! The quick brown fox actually jump over the lazy dog!

12 Jan
The first of many, which, from now on, will be labeled as New Video Review: here Ammr and I filmed ourselves reviewing the film Silence.
William Peter Blatty was best known for writing the 1971 novel The Exorcist, as well as the screenplay for its film adaptation. He died today from multiple myeloma, at age 89.

14 Jan
My lovely friend Fran bought me Hello Kitty bedding! Oh my Gee!

16 Jan
Eugene Andrew "Gene" Cernan was the eleventh person to walk on the Moon, currently the last person to have done so. He died today at age 82.

17 Jan
Colo was the oldest known gorilla in the world, as well as the first gorilla born in captivity ever. Tomatoes were her favourite food, and she died today at age 60.

18 Jan
Mike Kellie had a 50+ year musical career, as part of Spooky Tooth, as well as a session musician who worked with the Who (on Tommy), Joe Cocker, George Harrison, Jerry Lee Lewis, Peter Frampton, and the Bee Gees' Maurice Gibb. He died today at age 69.

19 Jan
My sexy friend Zoë got me a free ticket to see Lazarus, the David Bowie play, starring Dexter. I wrote about it more extensively here, but tl;dr: I loved it.
New Video Review: La La Land.
ECOWAS forces (including Senegalese, Ghanaian, and Nigerian troops) intervene in Gambia's political crisis, forcing President Yahya Jammeh to step down after losing the 2016 election against Adama Barrow.

20 Jan
The 45th President of the United States, Donald Trump, is sworn into office. I still laughed when I wrote that down, what a world.
I released a downloadable version of my book, This is Your Brain on Drugs, for free to all of my Facebook friends, cos I'm nice.

21 Jan
Millions upon millions of people worldwide take to the streets as part of the Women's March opposing Donald Trump. Around 588 marches were reported globally, making it the biggest single-day protest in American history.
I won the lotto! £2.80 in the EuroMillions!

22 Jan
I joined yesterday's protest the best/lazy way I could think of, by painting Judy Jetson at the Women's March.
Roll Safe was a meme featuring an image of Kayode Ewumi pointing to his head, used to denote some shitty advice. Today it was used in this way on Twitter, and then everyone decided it was good enough to keep using.

23 Jan
First of my album cover/profile pic series: David Bowie's Heroes.

24 Jan
Within days of his power, Trump ordered that any international non-governmental organisations which offer abortions as part of their family planning services would no longer receive any American funding. Diiiiiick.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (3/50): I blame modern medicine for letting old people vote so far passed their expiry date.

25 Jan
Wrote the blog Worst to Best: Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds which was great because this whole year kinda felt like a Nick Cave thing to me.
Went and watched Dillinger Escape Plan and head banged so hard that my neck fucked out for days. Woooo the 30s!
Finished reading John Lydon's Rotten: No Irish, No Blacks, No Dogs. It was one of the best band autobiographies I've ever read. Full review here.
Sir John Vincent Hurt had an acting career of more than 50 years, which David Lynch described as "simply the greatest actor in the world". His honours won (including being knighted) and filmography would take too much space to write here, but he was very loved and sadly lost today at the age of 77 from pancreatic cancer.
Jack Mendelsohn was a writer-artist who worked on Three's Company, The Carol Burnett Show, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Yellow Submarine, winning him the Animation Writers Caucus' Lifetime Achievement Award. He died today from lung cancer at age 91.

27 Jan
Trump quickly strikes again, signing a U.S. travel ban against people from Iraq, Iran, Libya, Somalia, Sudan, Syria and Yemen.

28 Jan
Geoffrey James "Geoff" Nicholls was long time Black Sabbath keyboardist until 2004. He died from lunch cancer today, at age 72.
Richard Portman was a film sound engineer, who was nominated for eleven Academy Awards for Best Sound (including The Godfather) and won for The Deer Hunter. After a bad fall, he died today at age 82.

30 Jan
Potentially the biggest meme of 2017 was Distracted Boyfriend. Today was the day it all began.

31 Jan
New Video Review: Trainspotting 2. This one had a rad intro, became one of our more popular ones.
One of the earliest known examples of the Expanding Brain meme was posted to /r/dankmemes today, and then you fucking saw it everywhere.

Dear 2017, February: Moonlight Wins Best Picture, Bill Paxton dies for real, I met Jenny Hval, Darren's stag do in Amsterdam, Beyonce breaks Instagram with twins

01 Feb
Dry January complete and successful! To celebrate, I got drunk, then Sarah and I went and watched a play about a puppet who couldn't shit properly. We came in halfway through, so had no idea what was going on and obviously missed the whole point, as we spent the entire time trying not to laugh, because everyone else in the audience was dead silent, not finding this funny whatsoever. Holding in our laughter for that length of time was just about the worst torture I've endured for years.
Beyoncé announces that she is expecting twins with Jay Z via Instagram. It got 6,335,571 Likes within eight hours, breaking the site's record.

04 Feb
Round about here, those Afghanistan avalanches hit, killing 156 people.

05 Feb
Super Bowl LI! Luke Bryan sang the National Anthem. Lady Gaga performed the halftime show. That's all I know.
It existed since last year, but it was here that the He Protec but He Also Attac meme started to gain momentum. I had a soft spot for it.
Weirdly, another big meme for the year exploded today, being that of Drew Scanlon Reaction.

06 Feb
I fell into a deep, romantic adoration for Cocteau Twins this week. Was lovely.

08 Feb
7 years as an employee at Dennis Publishing today.

09 Feb
Packy was famous for being the first elephant born in the Western Hemisphere in 44 years. He was euthanised today after his tuberculosis was drug-resistant. At age 54, he was up until that point, the oldest male Asian elephant in North America, and at roughly 12 feet tall, probably one of the tallest elephants in the world.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (4/50): Oh, so Jesus can “love everyone” but when I do it, I’m a “player” or a “manwhore”, you fucking double standard assholes.

10 Feb
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (5/50): I don’t want people to like my art because I’ve seen the art that people like.

11 Feb
North Korea pisses off the whole world by test firing a ballistic missile across the Sea of Japan.

12 Feb
The 59th Annual Grammy Awards today. James Corden hosted. Adele was nominated for 5 and won them all, the second time she's won three general field awards in the same ceremony twice, the first person to do so. Beyoncé was nominated for 9, won 2. Drake was nominated for 8, won 2. Chance the Rapper was nominated for 7, won 3, becoming the first ever unsigned artist to win a Grammy. David Bowie was nominated for 4 and won them all.

14 Feb
Valentines Day! Sarah cross-stitched me a card that said "I Love Satan". I posted it on Instagram and was kinda like our first public acknowledgement of our "relationship" or whatever it was at that point.
Finished reading Speak: So Your Audience Will Listen - 7 Steps to Confident and Successful Public Speaking by Robin Kermode to help ward off some performance anxiety. It wasn't a total waste of time. Read full review here.

17 Feb
Alan Aldridge was a British artist, known for creating the poster for Andy Warhol's 1966 film Chelsea Girls, The (1969) Beatles Illustrated Lyrics book, and the cover artwork for the Who's 1966 A Quick One album and Tears for Fears' 2004 Everybody Loves a Happy Ending album. He died today at 78.

20 Feb
As far as we know, it has existed since 2011, but when YouTube user Andrew Huang released his Midi Art Unicorn today, the style became a much wider recognised artform.

21 Feb
Roger and Christine Solik were kidnapped from their homes in Pietermaritzburg, South Africa, and their bodies were found in the lower Lotheni River in Impendle, hands and feet tied together with wire, heads covered with pillow cases. I grew up with this family and I knew them very well. A terrible tragedy that you can't really talk about properly.
Salome Karwah was a Liberian nurse who worked so hard to combat the Ebola virus epidemic in Liberia that she appeared on the cover of Time as a co-Person of the Year in 2014. She died today from complications of child birth at age 28.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (6/50): It’s important to have strong opinions, but they must remain fluid enough to adapt just in case the girl you like disagrees with them.

22 Feb
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (7/50): I’ve ruined some of the best moments of my life by worrying about ruining them.

23 Feb
2017 Brit Awards. David Bowie and Rag'n'Bone Man both won 2 awards each.

23 Feb
New Video Review: Hacksaw Ridge.

24 Feb
Off to Amsterdam for my boy Darren's stag! It got well messy!!!

25 Feb
The 37th Golden Raspberry Awards! Worst cinema of the year! Hillary's America: The Secret History of the Democratic Party became the first documentary to be awarded Worst Picture. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice won four awards.
William "Bill" Paxton was an actor, known to be the only man murdered by the holy trinity of movie monsters: Alien, Predator, and the Terminator. He died for real today from a stroke after heart surgery complications, at age 61.

26 Feb
A bit throwaway I thought, but I wrote God's Best Jokes and some people (well, one person anyway) said it was my best work yet.
The 89th Academy Awards hosted by Jimmy Kimmel went down today. La La Land won the most with six, after receiving a record-tying 14 nominations. Furthermore, for the first time ever, La La Land was announced as the Best Picture... even though it wasn't. Moonlight was the actual winner, which also won three other awards, and it was noted as the first film with an all-black cast and the first LGBT film to win Best Picture. In other news, Casey Affleck won Academy Award for Best Actor, and people lost their shit, because of his 2010 sexual harassment lawsuits and also because they forgot that the award was for his acting and not his penis.
The guy who developed The Shard building in London? His name was Irvine Gerald Sellar, and he died today at age 82.

28 Feb
Went and watched Jenny Hval, who I love but her performance was a bit... weird. Anyways, who cares, I met her!!!

Dear 2017, March:  Professor Robert E. Kelly's kids, Slovenia Lake Bled, Beauty and the Beast out sells everyone, Chuck Berry dies, Brexit officially begins

05 March
iHeartRadio Music Awards. Ryan Seacrest hosted. Drake was nominated 15 times. The Chainsmokers, 12. I already regret typing this up.

07 March
Black Sabbath announce their split. Wait, haven't we been through this before?
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (8/50): Stop trying to be on the “same page” as everyone else. Rather concentrate on finishing the whole book, and have a discussion at the end.

08 March
New Video Review: Moonlight.
Round about here: sick of his character's hate symbol status, Matt Furie kills off Pepe the Frog.

09 March
Sarah and I disappeared to Slovenia for a few days. It was our first proper trip together, and it could not have gone better. We were really lucky with the weather and everything was really cheap, not to mention the copious amounts of creativity everywhere you look. Ljubljana was such a tiny town that you could casually walk from one side to the other no problem, and we spent a night in a super fancy hotel next to Lake Bled, which was beyond beautiful, everything so romantic. At one point, Sarah turned to me and told me she loved me for the first time, and that was one of the best feelings in the world. It was perfect. I wouldn't have changed a thing about it.
New Video Review: Logan.

10 March
During a Skype BBC interview with Professor Robert E. Kelly discussing the 2016 South Korean Political Scandal, the man's two kids burst in the door whilst he tried to keep a straight professional face. His wife was quick to follow in after them, trying desperately to get the children out of the shot without causing too much of a fuss. The world loved it, was an instant viral hit, and in less than 72 hours, racked up over 15 million views on YouTube and 74,000 retweets.
With 16 songs in the UK chart (incl the top 6, as well as 8 - 10), Ed Sheeran broke some major record here, well done, your album sucked tho.
The Constitutional Court removed Park Geun-hye as the President of South Korea.
Due to 20 million people facing starvation and famine in Yemen, Somalia, South Sudan, and Nigeria, the UN warns that the world is facing the biggest humanitarian crisis since World War II.

13 March
This meme seemed to spread like insanity and then die very quickly, but I remember the week when How Italians Do Things was all the rage.

14 March
David Bowie stamps officially arrive, and I got mine!
I Read The Satanic Bible So You Don't Have To and wrote a blog piece about it.

15 March
Loads of these "Your Week Narrated By" viral videos kept propping up, and I'm not sure where it started, but the one according to Rihanna was the most accurate imo.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (9/50): What do you call a hot spinal surgeon?
Vertebae lol, I made that up.

16 March
Aydin Coban, the man accused of sexually harassing and blackmailing 15-year-old Amanda Todd until she killed herself, was given the maximum possible sentence of 10 years.

17 March
Beauty and the Beast is released in the USA. It grossed over $1.2 billion worldwide, becoming the highest-grossing live-action musical film, as well as the highest-grossing film of 2017, and the 10th-highest of all time.

18 March
Chuck Berry was pretty much the pioneer of rock and roll music. Without him, nothing is anything at all. He died today from cardiac arrest at age 90.

19 March
Not technically a trip, but Sarah and I had so much fun during a Slovenia walking tour, that we decided to give one in London a try. A tourist in your own city is a fun thing to do, you should give it a go.

20 March
David Rockefeller was the oldest living member of the Rockefeller family until today, as he died from congestive heart failure at age 101, leaving behind a fortune of around $3.3 billion.
After George Weinberg witnessed someone being a dick to his lesbian friend in 1965, he coined the term "homophobia". He died today from cancer.

22 March
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (10/50): It’s not fair to treat women like a piece of meat. You can get, like, at least 30 massive pieces of meat from your average woman, easily.

24 March
Played junkyard golf with my colleagues, and I fucking won, I did.
Pete Shotton was known as a member of The Quarrymen, and remained close to The Beatles as they became who they were. He played maracas and tambourine on some of the Beatles' records, helped Lennon with the lyrics for I Am the Walrus, and McCartney with the lyrics of Eleanor Rigby. He died today at age 75.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (11/50): I love everyone, but you guys are making it really difficult.

25 March
I won the lotto! £2.80 in the EuroMillions!

26 March
Remember the super fat mother in What's Eating Gilbert Grape? Her name was Darlene Cates and she died today at age 69.

28 March
New Video Review: Kong: Skull Island.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (12/50): If you’re having a day where you feel useless and you hate yourself, just remember that none of this is your fault. It’s your parents’ fault

29 March
The UK government begin the withdrawal process from the EU today thanks to stupid Brexit voters who I hate.

30 March
SpaceX conducts the world’s first reflight of an orbital class rocket.
New Video Review: Get Out.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (13/50): Viral cat videos piss me off because you just know these little fuckers don’t even appreciate that they are famous.

31 March
My mate Darren got married to his lovely wife Jo today. Despite having not slept the night before, it was a great ceremony and I got very drunk.
China ban all ivory trade, which has been said will save around 200,000 elephants a year.
Gilbert Baker was the guy who designed the LGBT rainbow pride flag in 1978. He died today from hypertensive and atherosclerotic cardiovascular disease, at age 65.

Misc.
Somewhere in March, the Bad Acronym meme kicked into high popularity, and I lol'd a lot.
Round about here, the Zimbabwean floods from Dec 2016 finally ended, killing 246 people and causing way more than US$100 million in damage.

Dear 2017, April: Kendall Jenner stops protests with Pepsi, Rick and Morty return, David Dao dragged off United Airlines Flight 3411, America bombs a Syrian air base, Fyre Festival fucks up x10000

01 April
Out of nowhere, Rick and Morty drop the first episode of season 3! This is not an April Fools joke! This was the real thing!
Other notable April Fools jokes included Google's Japanese bubble wrap keyboard, Duolingo announces a language course in emoji, Amazon's Petlexa which will help you talk to your pets, Honda's emoji car horns, Hulu's announcement that it will be offering 15 second versions of its shows for busy people, Coca Cola's new Helium version cola, Virgin airline's new tattoo ticket system, Iceland's frozen flower range, and Liverpool Echo reporting that 99p coins will be coming soon.
The landslide in Mocoa, Putumayo, Colombia, took place today, killing at least 254 people, injuring 332, 70 missing. This is the third-deadliest weather disaster in Colombian history, and the worst ever for Mocoa.
Ikutaro Kakehashi helped develop the Roland drum machine, Roland synthesizers, the MIDI standard, and Boss guitar amplifiers/effects pedals. Without him, electronic music of any sort would be very different, hence why he once won the Technical Grammy Award. He died today at age 87.

04 April
In the midst of so many Black Lives Matter, Equal Pay Rights, and “Not My President” marches, Pepsi thought it'd be a good idea to drop an advert where Kendall Jenner hands an officer a soda can, ending the protest. People lost their shit and the ad was pulled. Personally, I figured there were bigger things to worry about, but then again, I hate everyone, die.
New Video Review: Beauty and the Beast.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (14/50): Friends are getting married cos they’re certain they’ve found The One whilst I’m not even certain life isn’t a simulation built only for me.

06 April
Gucci tried do this meme project promotional thing and made me sick to all fuck.

07 April
In response to a suspected chemical weapons attack on a rebel-held town, America bombs a Syrian air base with 59 Tomahawk missiles. Trump was eating cake when it happened. Russia didn't like this, apparently.
After a large cabinet reshuffling in South Africa, massive protests with over 60,000 participants took to the streets demanding Zuma resigned. He didn't.
Stockholm, Sweden, a hijacked lorry drove into crowds, killing five people which included Spotify executive Chris Bevington. It was called an ISIL thing.
New Video Review: Ghost in the Shell.

08 April
I won the lotto! £2.90 in the EuroMillions!

09 April
Today, a paid passenger named David Dao refused to leave United Airlines Flight 3411 when airline staff demanded the seat. He was forcibly removed, dragged by his arms, and sustained a concussion, broken teeth, a broken nose, and other injuries. Thanks to modern technology, we all saw it happen. Despite apologising, CEO Oscar Munoz lost his job and David Dao got an undisclosed sum pay-off, but you know it was a fuckload.

10 April
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (15/50): Wow, you look really hot for a Snapchat filter.

12 April
Charles Quinton Murphy was best known as a writer and cast member of the Chappelle's Show, and as Eddie Murphy's older brother. He died today at age 57 from leukaemia.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (16/50): All catcalling is, is the sound of a man without any social competence or charisma basically malfunctioning in public.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (17/50): Instead of boycotting Pepsi for their advertising campaign, rather boycott Pepsi for a below average product which is damaging your teeth.

14 April
Went and met Sarah’s parents along with a load of her family members on a boat ride. Talk about a high pressure situation! We got super drunk though, and I realised where Sarah got her drinking skills from. I don't remember all that much, but I couldn't have done too badly, because when I woke up in the morning, we were officially in a relationship on Facebook.
Bruce Langhorne once blew three of his fingers off of his right hand from a homemade rocket. He still kept playing music though, best known as the topic for the song Mr. Tambourine Man by Bob Dylan. He died today after a stroke he had in 2015, at age 78.

17 April
The Justin Bieber remix of the song Despacito was released today, topping the Hot 100 for 16 consecutive weeks, not only 2017's longest running #1 single, but also tying with Boyz II Men/Mariah Carey's One Sweet Day as the longest in the chart's history.

18 April
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (18/50): I only Liked your status to round the reactions off to an even number.

19 April
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (19/50): Theresa Maybe Not.

21 April
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (20/50): They say "marry the girl of your dreams", but you should rather marry the girl who's still there when you’re awake, cos she actually exists

22 April
Painted Die Antwoord and Friends.
Sarah and I went to the Hunterian Museum: Transplant and Life Exhibition and saw some fucked up foetuses and innards of things until we both nearly fainted.

25 April
Second of my album cover/profile pic series: Taylor Swift's 1989.
New Video Review: Raw.

25 April
I wrote a blog called The 24 Greatest Bands In The World Right Now and it was just fine, thanks.
As if they didn't have enough problems, a 90cm-long bunny named Simon was found dead in the cargo holder of a United Airlines flight today.
Jonathan Demme directed The Silence of the Lambs, won the Academy Award for Best Director, then died today at age 73 due to complications from esophageal cancer and heart disease.

27 April
Finished reading The Money Diet by Martin Lewis. Had some good tips but was a bit out of date. Read full review here.
Today, attendees began to arrive at Fyre Festival, and were shocked to discover that the thousands of dollars they spent on tickets did not include luxury villas and gourmet meals as promised, but rather tents and prepackaged sandwiches, as well as no internet reception, no proper toilet facilities, or even many finished areas. The festival was shut down before it even began, at least 8 lawsuits followed, more than $100 million in damages filed, and criminal investigations were close behind. Total fuck up.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (21/50): Getting a new girlfriend is like receiving the nicest gift in the world except you can’t fart in front of it.

29 April
After getting drunk and giving GG Allin's brother Merle so much shit on Facebook for desperately selling all of his GG memorabilia, I got blocked from the Facebook group. Perhaps the most rock 'n roll thing that's ever happened to me.

Dear 2017, May: Chris Cornell hangs himself, Sectlinefor start gigging, Ariana Grande's show gets bombed, me and me mates hit Primavera Festival, Michael Parks dies

01 May
Stanley Weston oversaw the creation of the ThunderCats animated series, created the G.I. Joe toy line, and is credited for inventing the very concept of the action figure. He passed today at age 84.

02 May
After a long beautiful romance with Gymbox, I moved to Fitness First due to an offer with work, and then... never went.
Sectlinefor's debut gig, at Belushi’s Camden! More of a warm-up thing than anything, but still, super props to the four people who came and watched us!

03 May
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (22/50): Opinions are like assholes. I’d love to know more about yours, please go on.

04 May
Went to the Alien Covenant premiere at the Odeon in Leicester Square! Loads of fun, saw all the celebs, big screen, average movie.
I won the lotto! £2.60 in the EuroMillions!

05 May
Went and saw Deftones at Alexandra Palace! It was either one of the best times I've seen them live, or I was super super drunk, or a mix of the two, but either way, I left the moshpit with a bloodied nose, so that made me feel super hardcore.

06 May
Went to the world's largest LEGO store all by myself and was underwhelmed.

07 May
Emmanuel Macron became the youngest President in the history of France (39), defeating the National Front, which is a very very important thing.
2017 MTV Movie & TV Awards today. The only special thing about it is that they tried to be super progressive and didn't separate categories by gender. Suspiciously, the most famous new-age feminist actress in the world, Emma Watson, won the first ever genderless best actor award for her role in Beauty and the Beast.

08 May
Bow Wow posted an Instagram photo showing how he was flying on a private jet to NYC. Except other passengers on a commercial flight noticed that Bow Wow was, in fact, on the flight with them. Thus, the #bowwowchallenge was born, where you try use a clever trick of angling your shots to make your life look better than it is. High quality internet stuff.

09 May
In 1996, 34 year old Mary Kay Letourneau made headlines when she had sex with Vili Fualaau, her 12 year old student. She was arrested for child rape, was given six months, and was registered as a sex offender. Despite all the trouble, the couple kept meeting up and fucking, causing more and more legal issues for Mary Kay, ultimately sentenced to seven-and-a-half years in state prison, while she simply defended herself by saying that she was in love with Vili. When she was finally released in 2004, she proved this to be true, as Fualaau was 21, and they got married. It was almost a beautiful story. Sadly, love is a lie, and after 12 years of marriage, they filed for divorce today.
@carterjwm tweeted to Wendy’s wondering how many retweets it'd take to get free nuggets for a year. They said 18 million. He got 3.5 million, which still broke Twitter's world record, and Wendy agreed to give it to him anyway.
Michael Parks was an actor who had a long career, but is best know for his later work with Quentin Tarantino (Kill Bill, Django Unchained) and Kevin Smith (Red State, Tusk). He died today at age 77, dno why.

10 May
Three years after my last solo EP, and I finally dropped Let's Just Be Friends. It wasn't very good, but was glad to have it out.

12 May
Some massive ransomware cyberattack hit at least 150 countries today, but I was ok.

13 May
Eurovision! Portugal won with Amar Pelos Dois, sung by Salvador Sobral, written by his sister Luísa Sobral.
James Copley was a session drummer who worked with Jeff Beck, Ian Gillan and Glenn Hughes of Deep Purple, Killing Joke, Tears for Fears, Seal, Tony Iommi, and Paul Rodgers. He died today from leukaemia, and he was 63.

14 May
Mocking SpongeBob is a meme used to mock people on the internet, uSuALly fOlLowED wiTh tExt WRitTteN LIkE tHiS. It all started to get crazy on Twitter round about now.
Brad Alan Grey was the chairman and CEO of Paramount Pictures since 2005, during which time his studio was nominated for countless Oscars, including 20 in 2011 alone. Good show! He died today at age 59 from cancer.
Keith Mitchell played drums on all four Mazzy Star albums, and he died today, sadly not famous enough for any other details.

15 May
The creators of the MP3 publicly declare it to be a dead format. RIP.

16 May
New Video Review: The Handmaiden.

18 May
After over 7 years going to work in one building, Dennis Publishing moved to another, much swankier building, with a little more freedom and a fuckload more rules.
One of the best singers on the planet and grunge pioneer, Chris Cornell (Soundgarden, Audioslave, Temple of the Dog, solo) hung himself today at age 52. One of the worst losses of the year.

19 May
Convicted paedophile Rofl Harris is released from prison after serving only half of his five years and nine months sentence.
Rich Buckler was a comics artist known for drawing virtually every major character at Marvel and DC, often as a cover feature. He died at 68 today from cancer.

20 May
Lisa Ann Spoonauer was best known as Caitlin Bree, the girl who had sex with a corpse in the film Clerks. She died today at age 44, from an accidental overdose of hydromorphone.

21 May
The 2017 Billboard Music Awards. Drake top male. Beyonce top female. Drake and Chainsmokers were nominated for 22. Drake won 13. Sorry I asked.

22 May
After Ariana Grande's concert at the Manchester Arena, a suicide bomber detonated an explosive, causing 23 fatalities and approximately 120 injuries. Fucking asshole, I took this one personally, leave our shows out of this.

23 May
Sir Roger George Moore was James Bond seven times from 1973 to 1985. He died today at age 89 from cancer.
New Video Review: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.

24 May
Way overdue and by request, finally wrote the blog Worst to Best: Quentin Tarantino.

25 May
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (23/50): I might be wrong, but I imagine the most difficult part of having a baby would be admitting to your parents that you’ve been sexually active

26 May
Second Sectlinefor gig and the first real one, at the Good Ship. Was loads of fun!

27 May
Gregory LeNoir Allman was best known as a member of the Allman Brothers Band, often called a Southern rock pioneer, and was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. He died today at age 69, from liver cancer.

29 May
And off we went! Me, Sarah, and her two friends (who I also consider friends) Mini and Sandy, got on a plane. We were the core group for what was the most adventurous trip of my 2017, with plenty of other lovely characters joining and leaving along the way. Today we flew to Montpellier, France, where we ate so much cheese that we all had nightmares, admired the architecture for a very brief time, and got completely burnt on the beach.

31 May
The adventure continued, from Montpellier to Barcelona, Spain for a few days. We stayed in the poshest apartment you could possibly imagine, just across the road from Primavera Festival. Got well fucked up along the way, my good friend Hannah joined us here too, was super magical.
Speaking of Primavera Festival, Frank Ocean cancelled, which was a bummer, but we did get to see Local Natives, Cymbals Eat Guitars, Triángulode Amor Bizarro, Solange, Bon Iver, Death Grips, Slayer, King Gizzard And The Lizard Wizard, Converge, Sampha, The Growlers, Mac DeMarco (who I met in a tobacco store shortly before, shook his hand, he seemed nice), The xx, Swans, Run The Jewels, Jamie xx, Flying Lotus, Priests, Van Morrison, Angel Olsen, Metronomy, Grace Jones, Arcade Fire, Wild Beasts, Japandroids, Preoccupations (FKA. VietCong), HAIM (secret show!), Mannequin Pussy, and ChkChkChk (!!!).
Today, Donald Trump tweeted "Despite the constant negative press covfefe".

Dear 2017, June: Corbyn doesn't win election but does, I see Aerosmith live, Grenfall Tower burns down, Adam West dies, we go to Porto and Lisbon to drink

02 June
Peter Sallis, OBE was known as the voice of Wallace in the Academy Award-honored Wallace and Gromit films, plus he did loads of other stuff that I don't know about. He was 96 when he died today.

03 June
After three terrorists rode a van at high speed across London Bridge and ran into Borough Market, they killed 8 people and injured at least 48, before all being shot dead within 8 minutes of the incident. Too close to home.

04 June
Bill Butler won an Academy Award for Best Film Editing due to his work on A Clockwork Orange. He died today at age 84 or so.

05 June
After an insanely debaucherous time in Barcelona, the team retreated to Porto, Portugal, to deal with the aftermath. In some ways, this was the best part of the trip, as one of the nicest little towns I've ever visited, the whole experience fuelled by port (obvz) which I didn't love before but totally adore now, so much so that I even forgave the place for hardly having any veggie options.

07 June
Despite the idea existing for over a year (and in some ways, forever), today the Twitter account @HELL2U posted a pic where the caption read “the floor is writing a coherent story without plot holes”, and The Floor Is meme was born.

08 June
Theresa May called a snap election previously, and it all went down today, not exactly according to her plan. Conservatives made a loss of 13 seats with 42.3% of the vote, while Labour gained 30 seats with 40%, which meant a hung parliament. In a move of desperation later in the month, the Conservatives made a deal with notoriously racist, homophobic, and anti-abortion bigots DUP to secure their majority. Still, it was a very damaging day to the Conservatives, which was beautiful for us people who voted Labour, while old Jeremy Corbyn was probably doing a happy dance.
Sotirios "Sam" Panopoulos was the inventor of the Hawaiian pizza. He died suddenly today at age 82.

09 June
Back to London, and actually felt ok.
On the day her arch-enemy Katy Perry released her shitty album Witness, Taylor Swift suddenly slaps her entire catalogue back onto Spotify despite profusely swearing against the platform only a year earlier. Totally intentional sneaky bitch move to steal streams, I love her.
Adam West was an actor best known as Batman in the 1960s series, and Mayor West in Family Guy. With a 63 year career, he was a big loss. Aged 88, leukaemia got him. Los Angeles projected the Bat-Signal on City Hall as a tribute.

12 June
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (24/50): My life is going so well and according to plan that the only thing left on my to-do list is to sabotage all of it.

14 June
The tragic Grenfell Tower incident happened today, when a block of public housing flats in North Kensington went up in flames. This resulted in 71 deaths, including one stillbirth, and over 70 injuries. There was a lot of criticism against the lack of health and safety measurements which allowed the fire to spread so quickly, as well as how the government were dealing with the situation. It was an emotional day for London.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (25/50): People keep talking about being woke as if sleeping isn’t the best thing ever.

15 June
Oregon announce they will be the first US state allowing for a non-binary "X" gender marker on state IDs and driver's licenses.

16 June
Watched Guns N' Roses at the London Stadium, which was a 5 minute walk from my house! Such a big show! Just one of those things you were never sure you'd get to do, and then you do it, and it's like yeaaaah, I did that. Will remember it forever. Legends.
John Guilbert Avildsen won the Academy Award for Best Director for Rocky. He also directed Rocky V and the first three Karate Kid films. Pancreatic cancer got him today at age 81.

19 June
A van drove into a Finsbury Park Mosque in London, injuring 10 people and killing one. It was declared a terrorist attack.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (26/50): In a sick twist, the slow death of the planet came with the side effect of increased temperatures, and the people loved it.

20 June
Albert Johnson was a rapper known as Prodigy, one half of the duo Mobb Deep. Even though he was struggling with sickle-cell anemia, he actually died today at age 42 from accidentally choking on an egg in hospital, of all things.

21 June
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (27/50): The whole “Do One Thing a Day That Scares You” ethos is really easy to achieve when you get anxiety just by leaving the house.

22 June
The fire alarm went off at my work for real, as there was a real fire. And I'm a fire marshall, eek. I was super hungover so it was a bit stressful, but no casualties on my watch, fire trucks arrives, fire was sorted, back to work the lot of ya.
Sheila Babs Michaels was a feminist and civil rights activist famous for popularising "Ms." as the default form to address a woman no matter her marital status. She died at age 78 today from leukaemia. Alone.

24 June
Slightly strange but definitely a sign of the times was when Jeremy Corbyn “performed” on the Pyramid Stage at Glastonbury Festival, opening for Run the Jewels. Do I like this? I think so?

25 June
As if Sarah and I hadn't traveled enough this month, we decided to jump on yet another plane and fly to Lisbon, Portugal. So much fun! So cheap! Drank Ginjinha! Did a walking tour! Such impressive street performace art! We then escaped to Sintra to check out the National Palace Of Pena, which was some fairy tale shit, omfg. There is something really special about Lisbon though, can't wait to go back. They know how to party there.

26 June
One of our main reasons for going to Lisbon, however, was about tonight: seeing Aerosmith live! It was more my thing, but even Sarah admitted that when she walked out of there, she was a complete convert. As for me, something broke in my brain, and a large portion of my year wasn't the same after that point, Aerosmith becoming my main thought for months to follow, totally obsessed, this isn't over.
Elkan Rex Makin had many ties to The Beatles, arranging manager Brian Epstein's funeral and coining the term "Beatlemania". He died today, at age 91.

27 June
Thomas Michael Bond CBE wrote Paddington Bear. He died today at age 91.

28 June
Back to London, and after all the traveling in recent times, I felt like I had been experimented on.
Regardless, still managed to release My Favourite Albums That I've Never Reviewed (Part 1) blog. There will be more, oh yes.

29 June
Following her already amazing year, Kendall Jenner and her sister Kylie started to sell shirts with their faces superimposed on legends such as The Notorious B.I.G., Metallica, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, The Doors, Tupac etc. The backlash was so bad with many lawsuits looming, that they pulled the designs rather quickly. Smooth like Pepsi.
Round here, the China floods had killed over 200 people, displacing a million, and destroying about 31,000 homes.

30 June
Another Sectlinefor gig, this time at Amersham Arms. The best one so far! The drunker I get, the more fun I have!

Dear 2017, July: Chester Bennington kills himself, Szechuan Sauce becomes more important than anything, MS Paint is getting killed, North Korea and nuclear type things, I painted Sailol Jelly

04 July
Russia and China both urge North Korea to stop its nuclear program rubbish after they tested out their first intercontinental ballistic missile.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (28/50): LinkedIn profile pic in the streets, Facebook profile pic in the sheets.

06 July
Thomas E. Sanders was a two time Academy Award nominated production designer who worked on Hook, Braveheart, Saving Private Ryan, and Apocalypto, to name a few. He died today from cancer at age 63.
Joan Lee was basically known for her 70-year marriage to comic book legend Stan Lee, during which time she helped Lee come up with the Fantastic Four. She died today from stroke-related complications at age 95.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (29/50): Personally, I prefer Corbyn's earlier work. He's gone a bit too mainstream now.

07 July
The Treaty on the Prohibition of Nuclear Weapons, or the Nuclear Weapon Ban Treaty, is the first legally binding agreement prohibiting nuclear weapons, hoping to one day eliminate them completely. After 122 of the 193 UN member states voted for it, it passed today.

08 July
Maybe my favourite painting of the year that I did was this one: Sailol Jelly.

09 July
It took us a long time, but Ammr and I finished watching Breaking Bad again today. It was my third time.

10 July
Had a band meeting with some guy who claimed he may be interested in managing our band. Turns out, he wasn't really, but he did tell us that we sounded like we were in a sack race with bunny ears on, which was a huge compliment, in my opinion.
Finished reading All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr. You don't ever read fiction this good. One of the best books I've ever had the pleasure of. Read full review here.

11 July
New Video Review: Alien: Covenant.

12 July
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (30/50): When I was young, people told me I could be anything when I grew up, and then when I got older, I proved that was absolutely not true.

13 July
John H. Bernecker was a stunt performer who worked on over 90 films and television series until he was performing a rehearsal stunt on The Walking Dead and fell 20 feet onto concrete, sustaining a severe head injury, then dying today at age 33.

15 July
Martin James Landau was an actor who has won like every award ever, and he died today from multiple organ failure caused by intra-abdominal haemorrhage at aged 89.

17 July
Finished reading I Am Ozzy by Ozzy Osbourne. So funny, didn't disappoint. Read full review here.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (31/50): If my current state of mind is anything to go by, then my midlife crisis is going to be legendary.

20 July
Chester Charles Bennington was the lead singer for Linkin Park as well as Stone Temple Pilots. Today he hung himself to death, at age 41. Everyone was really shocked about this, as if the dude hadn't been literally crying out loud for help every night for the last two decades.
New Video Review: The Red Turtle.
Retired my services from the #throwbackthursday scene, and have been happier ever since.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (32/50): Definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result except with Bluetooth cos that’s how it works.

22 July
Margo Chase was a graphic designer who designed the logos for Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, while her company helped brand Target stores, Cher, Madonna, and Selena Gomes. She died at age 59 in a plane crash today.
Clarence Francis "Larry" Matthews was the oldest man in the US at age 111 years, until he died today, no longer the oldest man in the US.

23 July
Snooty was one of the first recorded captive manatee births, as well as the oldest manatee in captivity, perhaps even the oldest manatee in the world, who knows? Anyway, today some fool accidentally left a hatch door open and Snooty was too big to get through and he drowned at age 69.

24 July
Microsoft announces that it will be removing its program Paint from the Windows 10 Fall Creators Update. People fucking lost their shit, so Windows quickly said they'd make it available for free from the Windows Store. Hooray!
In related news, Adobe announce they will be killing Flash by 2020.

24 July
June Foray was a voice actress best known as the vocals for Rocky the Flying Squirrel, Lucifer from Disney's Cinderella, Jokey Smurf, Granny from the Warner Bros, Grammi Gummi from Gummi Bears, and a bunch of others. She died today at age 99.

26 July
Today Donald Trump announced that transgender people would no longer be allowed to "serve in any capacity in the US military." So far, the President has been completely blocked from getting any of this through.

27 July
Probably the most in-depth blog article I wrote this year was 50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence, which I was very happy with even if various publications rejected it from their own sites.

28 July
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (33/50): People who say “you have no idea what tired is until you have kids” should try smoking meth for five days straight.

30 July
After Rick and Morty's first episode of season 3 turned McDonalds' Mulan Szechuan Sauce into the most important thing in the universe, thousands of people signed a petition begging to bring it back, while an old sachet found in some dude's car fetched $14,700 on eBay. Today, McDonalds sent a massive batch to show creator Justin Roiland, which I imagine made him feel rather powerful but I wouldn't know.

31 July
To feed into my insane Aerosmith addiction, I finished reading Walk This Way by Stephen Davis and Aerosmith. I only loved them more. Full review here.

Dear 2017, August: Mcgregor vs Mayweather, I left Dennis Publishing, Nazis come out of hiding, Game of Thrones is still a thing, Eclipse viewable in America

02 Aug
Tony Cohen was a producer who worked with Nick Cave on some of his best known works. He died today at age 60.
New Video Review: Dunkirk. One of my favourites so far, cos we were a bit fucked.

03 Aug
Third of my album cover/profile pic series: Fleetwood Mac's Rumours. Managed to convince Sarah to get involved with this one. Naturally, people loved it.

04 Aug
After looking at my hands, and realising I had the loveliest girlfriend in the world, a great house, living with my best friend, was healthier than ever before, and was more than creatively stimulated... there was only one thing wrong. After 7.5 years at Dennis Publishing, I could no longer lie to myself, and had to admit I was not happy here anymore. It had nothing to do with the company, quite the opposite actually, as Dennis was so great to me that I ended up staying for way longer than I should have. Rather, the level of passion for web development I witnessed from my colleagues each and every day filled me with repulsion, and once I clicked that I was always supposed to have been a writer, it became difficult to keep a polite face on anymore. I started to develop an escape plan, but this week was a particularly terrible one, and I decided, fukkit, I'm out. After all, I had everything else, this was the final piece to a completely perfect existence. What could possibly go wrong?
Little did I know that this above decision would ricochet and knock over a totally separate domino, but more on that later...

05 Aug
Sarah took me to the flat Jimi Hendrix (and a famous composer named Handel who I don't know shit about) used to live in, and I bought the Are You Experienced vinyl there because it seemed like the correct place to do so. Then we drank.
The UN Security Council all agrees to further restrict trading and investments with North Korea, like a slap on the wrist, bad boy!

07 Aug
Officially handed in my resignation at Dennis, triggered article 50, two month notice period ticking down from here like a bomb.
Ana Faris and Chris Prat split, which is proof that love doesn't exist and there is no point even trying.
Haruo Nakajima was an actor best known for playing Godzilla in twelve consecutive films, starting from the original Godzilla in 1954 until 1972. He died today at age 88 from pneumonia.

08 Aug
9 years in London! Didn't even think I'd live this long.
After claims that North Korea managed to fit a nuclear warhead into a missile, President Trump warned that he would fuck them so hard with every cock of fire he had if they even so much as looked in his direction.
Glen Travis Campbell was a musician who, over 50 years, released 70+ albums, sold 45 million records, and placed 80 different songs on the charts. He also won four Grammys in the country and pop categories in 1967, which set some record. Anyway, alzheimer's disease, 81.

09 Aug
Sarah's birthday today. Amoung other things, I painted this picture of her in hopes of embarrassing the girl but I think she quite liked it in the end.

11 Aug
The Unite the Right rally was today, which was mostly a bunch of white supremacists, white nationalists, neo-Confederates, and neo-Nazis who found a place where they could be all racist and loud together. People got hurt and Trump made some half-assed statement that didn't really condemn anyone, and the whole Nazi thing kinda lingered as a topic for the rest of the year.
Kesha releases Rainbow, her third studio album, but more importantly, her first after the whole abuse scandal against her, the long awaited artistic statement from the 2016 figurehead of female oppression in the music industry. And... it was actually really good, which was a relief for all.
Finished reading Chronicle of a Death Foretold by Gabriel García Márquez. As he is my favourite author, it didn't quite live up to the hype, but was still an imaginative piece of writing as only he knows how. Read full review here.
Yisrael Kristal was a Polish-Israeli supercentenarian, recognised as the oldest living Holocaust survivor, and at this time, the oldest man living in the world, as well as one of the ten oldest men ever. Today, that ended, at 113 years, 330 days.

14 Aug
10 years ago to this day, I posted a note on Facebook which ultimately triggered a regular output of writing which developed into this very blog. It was called My Top 100 Songs... EVER! and I no longer stand by anything it says.
Sierra Leone mudslides killed more than 600 people with tons more missing, considered one of the worst disasters in decades.

15 Aug
This is actually quite insane: for the first time since 2009, Drake wasn't on the Billboard Hot 100 chart.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (34/50): “Your tattoos are going to look shit when you’re older” yeah but they look fucking rad now though.

16 Aug
My second solo EP of 2017 was released today. It was called Sex is Disgusting, took me four years to finish, and was way better than the other one from earlier in the year.

17 Aug
Formed around here was Hurricane Harvey, which was the first major hurricane to make landfall in the US since Wilma in 2005, which caused hundreds of thousands of homes to flood, displaced over 30,000 people, killing 75, and causing somewhere between $70 to $200 billion worth of damage.
Elsewhere, a landslide killed 174 people in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, leaving 280 children orphaned.

18 Aug
Sectlinefor's biggest gig yet, at O2 Academy2 Islington. We pulled a huge crowd, but the sound sucked and I actually didn't have a good time.

21 Aug
The Great American Eclipse happened today, the first total eclipse visible across the entire US since 1918, as well as the first time every witness had the ability to take footage of it, meaning more than enough documentation whether you cared or not.

22 Aug
Bought my first ever Macbook, prepping for the freelance writing world.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (35/50): Be too busy to hate anyone.

26 Aug
"The Biggest Fight in Combat Sports History" was the boxing match of Floyd Mayweather Jr. vs. Conor McGregor today. Mayweather won by technical knockout, extending his record to 50 victories and 0 defeats. Mayweather reportedly earned $300,000,000 from the fight, McGregor earned $100,000,000.
Horror director Willard Tobe Hooper was known for The Texas Chain Saw Massacre and Poltergeist, which is genre gold right there. He died from natural causes at age 74 today.

27 Aug
The 2017 MTV Video Music Awards, hosted by Katy Perry, was viewed by 5.68 million people, its lowest ratings since 1994. Kendrick won 6 awards from 8 nominations.

29 Aug
Finished reading The $100 Startup by Chris Guillebeau in hopes of getting a better footing after firing my boss. It was a worthwhile yet not massively useful read in the end. Full review here.

30 Aug
Yet another substantial piece of writing that I was well chuffed with was my How To Save Money in 10 Easy Steps guide, which people said good things about.

31 Aug
New Video Review (and something a bit different this time): Game of Thrones Season 7.

Dear 2017, September: Hugh Hefner passed away, natural disasters went apeshit, Uber and London got into an argument, Charles Bradley died, Saudi Arabia lifts women driving ban

01 Sep
Widespread monsoon flooding struck South Asia from July through September. By this point, about 45 million people were affected. Bangladesh got smacked the hardest, approximately one-third of it covered, at the height of it all, a week of regular monsoon rain fell in the span of a few hours. Around 140 deaths were reported.
Sheldon Leonard Berman was a comedian, the first to win a Grammy for a spoken comedy, also well known as playing Larry David's father on Curb Your Enthusiasm. He died today at age 92 from Alzheimer's related complications

03 Sep
North Korea at it again, conducting its sixth and most powerful nuclear test to date. Not scared!
Walter Carl Becker was best known as the co-founder guitarist/co-songwriter of Steely Dan, and he died today at age 67.

04 Sep
Yet another desperate dive towards understanding the weight of previous choices, I read Writing: Freelance: The Secret Sauce Business Blueprint to Freelance Writing, Freelancing & Making Money by Nick Stevens. Some decent resource material. Read full review here.
Prince William and Catherine Middleton announce third pregnancy.
Earl Wilberforce "Wire" Lindo was a Jamaican reggae musician, member of Bob Marley and the Wailers and worked with Burning Spear. He died today at age 64 after complaining about abdominal pains.

05 Sep
Announced today that The Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (an American policy which allowed for some immigrant children to stay in the country) was being repealed by Trump.
Holger Czukay was a co-founder of the krautrock group Can, known as the band who "successfully bridged the gap between pop and the avant-garde". The man was also an important early figure in ambient, explored "world music" before it had a name, and was a pioneer of sampling. He died today at age 79, and no one really knows why.

07 Sep
New Video Review: The Shawshank Redemption, a Classic Movie Review.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (36/50): I’m obviously doing ok now because the heartbroken emoji is no longer a part of my frequently used list.

10 Sep
Leonard Norman Wein was a comic book writer who co-created Swamp Thing, Wolverine, Nightcrawler, Storm, and Colossus. After triple-bypass heart surgery earlier this year, it all went wrong today and he died at age 69.

11 Sep
Noticing a pattern yet? This is the last one. I read Going Self Employed: How To Start Out In Business On Your Own by Steve Gibson. This one had some solid info actually, probably the best one of all. Full review.
New Video Review: It. This one has an extra special opening scene, you must look at it.

12 Sep
Apple hosts a media event, where they announce the Apple Watch Series 3, Apple TV 4K, iPhone 8 and 8 Plus, and iPhone X.
Despite existing since Dec 2016, the You’ve Heard of the Elf on the Shelf internet thing really exploded thanks to Reddit on this day.

13 Sep
Paris and Los Angeles win the Summer Olympic hosting rights for 2024 and 2028 respectively.
Grant Vernon Hart was the drummer and co-songwriter for influential alternative band Hüsker Dü. He died at 56 today from liver cancer and Hepatitis C.
Basi was the oldest living panda in captivity, as well as the original model of Panpan, the first Asian games' mascot. She died today at age 37.
Frank Vincent Gattuso Jr. was an actor who played big roles in The Sopranos and Martin Scorsese's Raging Bull, Goodfellas, and Casino. He had a heart attack and died after surgery at age 80.

12 Sep
Sampha's Process wins Mercury Prize 2017. I was ok with this.

15 Sep
Final Sectlinefor gig for the year at St Moritz Club, performing with Mensvreters, which was an honour. Not many people came, but that's ok, because I was fuckdrunk.
Violet Brown was a Jamaican supercentenarian, the oldest verified living person for five months, the fifth-oldest person in recorded history, one of the last two known living people born in the 19th century. She died today at age 117 years, 189 days.
Harry Dean Stanton acted for more than six decades, in some really big movies too, such as The Godfather Part II, Alien, Escape from New York, Christine, Pretty in Pink, The Last Temptation of Christ, and The Green Mile. He died today at age 91.

16 Sep
I went to the Joan Cornella exhibition all by myself and I loved it so much because I love him so much. He's truly fucked.
Hurricane season went apeshit.
Hurricane Irma was a catastrophic Cape Verde-type hurricane that ran around all over the show and caused a bunch of trouble, with 134 deaths and $62.87 billion damage, the most powerful winds since Wilma in 2005.
Meanwhile, Hurricane Maria slapped Puerto Rico particularly hard, killing at least 499 people there (547 in total), with hundreds still missing. It's considered the worst natural disaster on record for the area.
Ben Dorcy was the first ever person inducted into the Roadies Hall of Fame, having been a roadie for such names as Elvis Presley, Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson. There was a documentary involved about him called King of the Roadies. He died today at 92.

17 Sep
Sarah and I went to the Foo Fighters pop up pub today to celebrate their ok recent album. A lot of people I know couldn't get in, but we got in. The idea was better than the execution in the end.

18 Sep
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (37/50): No matter how rubbish your art is, there will always be someone out there far worse than you who is already rich and famous.

19 Sep
Central Mexico gets struck by a 7.1 earthquake, killing 369 people and leaving thousands homeless.
Giacobbe "Jake" LaMotta was a former World Middleweight Champion boxer, the central topic of the film Raging Bull. He died today from pneumonia at age 95.

20 Sep
I drew out the biggest opinion gun I had and blasted the world with my dissertation on Why Kendrick Lamar’s DAMN. Was Not That Good. I stand by it.

21 Sep
Liliane Henriette Charlotte Bettencourt was a French heiress and one of the principal shareholders of L'Oréal, at this time, the richest woman in the world (14th person overall) with about US$44.3 billion to her name. And yet she died all the same, at age 94.

22 Sep
Today I started the tradition of naming each of my Strava runs as a line of a short story, slowly building up a fictional narrative each time I completed some exercise. Oh, that's so Jared! Follow the action here!
London Mayor, Sadiq Khan, announces that Uber's London licence will not be renewed due to "public safety" concerns, which smelt like bullshit to me, as conspiracy theorists wondered how much Khan's ties to TFL and the black cabbie community played a role. People were upset, Uber appealed, and this continues on. I just hope everyone works it out, because while Uber needs to shape up a bit, they are the greatest taxi service in the world for a reason.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (38/50): When I sign my emails off with “Love Jared”, it’s not a closing valediction, it’s an instruction.

23 Sep
Charles Edward Bradley was a hero of mine. As a funk/soul singer, he was not only incredible, but also discovered and released his debut album at the age of 63, proving it's never too late. Five years of success later, he died of stomach cancer at age 68. Hope that was good enough for you, Bradley.

25 Sep
Eman Ahmed Abd El Aty was the heaviest living woman in the world and 2nd in all of history, at around 500kg. Probably somewhat related to this, she died today, at age 37.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (39/50): I appreciate how your genetics have positioned the features on your face. For this exclusive reason I feel compelled to converse with you.

26 Sep
Sarah and I went to a talk given by Mick Fleetwood about the origins of Fleetwood Mac. What a trip to be so close to a legend like that.
Saudi Arabia was the only country in the world that banned women from driving. Until today, as this was lifted.
New Video Review: Mother!

27 Sep
Porn legend, Hugh Marston Hefner, died today at age 91, due to cardiac arrest, respiratory failure, sepsis and an E. coli infection. Say what you will, the man changed many lives and pushed sexual liberation way forward. I had this dream that I'd meet the guy one day at the Playboy Mansion and I was also famous in that dream, so there's another thing in my life which has completely let me down.

Dear 2017, October: Sarah and I break up, Tom Petty dies, asshole guns Las Vegas country festival, truck bombing in Mogadishu, me too hashtag campaign kicks off

01 Oct
Today was that miserable day when Stephen Craig Paddock opened fire on a country music festival on the Las Vegas Strip, causing the deadliest mass shooting by a lone gunman in American history, with 58 deaths, and 546 injuries. He then shot himself, dead, and no one really knows why. Gun laws were once again addressed and then forgotten about, of course.
Arthur Janov created primal therapy, of which both John Lennon and Yoko Ono followed, Lennon owing almost the whole sound of his glorious debut album to this technique. Anyway, Arthur died at at 93 today from respiratory arrest, somewhat ironically via a throat disease which stopped him from speaking.

02 Oct
Despite my page views slowly crashing further and further downward over 2017, this very blog hit 1 million total views today. There was a time when this would have meant a lot to me.
Thomas Earl Petty was the iconic singer of Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, as well as supergroup the Traveling Wilburys, selling more than 80 million records worldwide and one of the more important people in Rock and Roll history. He died today, aged 66, from cardiac arrest.

04 Oct
As one more additional layer of security blankets, I released my portfolio site Jared Woods Saved My Life today.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (40/50): Nightmares are like special little horror movies specifically tailored to your exact definition of fear, just for you, with love from brain.

05 Oct
After 7 years and 9 months, today was my last day of work at Dennis Publishing. By 13:10, I'd already had two Jägerbombs and a pint in my hand. A sweepstake was put together about what time I'd pass out, which also included the chance for me to win the money if I made it to 23:00. I won because I bought coke and stayed awake forever lol.
Round about here: co-founder of Miramax, Harvey Weinstein, was reported to have sexually harassed, assaulted, or raped many, many women. He wasn't the first high profile figure to be called out on this year, but his exposure did create what some have referred to as "the Weinstein effect", where a wave of other celebrities' inappropriate mischief started to come to surface.

06 Oct
Today was the Pancakes and Booze art show, the first and only time my paintings were put on display in a real life exhibition. Naturally, no one gave a fuck, but it's still one of those bucket list type deals that I'm chuffed happened.
UK government announce their plans to ban all sales and exportation of ivory.

07 Oct
McDonalds finally given in, and make Szechuan sauce available again for one day only thanks to Rick and Morty's influence. It totally backfired, almost everywhere ran out very quickly, and some locations almost evolved into full blown riots.

11 Oct
Whilst filming our movie review for Blade Runner 2049, Ammr and I got in a huge argument on camera. We decided to never watch it again, the footage has not been released, and we stopped doing film reviews completely after this point.
Humanoid robot, Sophia, becomes a Saudi Arabian citizen, the first robot to get citizenship for any country. As Saudi Arabia don't have the best human rights record by treating women like shit and disallowing any non-Muslims to get citizenship, everyone kinda pointed out that this was a desperate dive to be the first at something.
Jeremy was garden snail who had a rare mutation, causing its shell to coil counterclockwise. As it was a "lefty" snail, it was named after Jeremy Corbyn. Biologists desperately tried to find it a mate to breed more of these special dudes, but never managed to do so, as Jeremy died today, "at least two" years old.
Because of the above snail thing, the election surprise, and the Glasto slot (but mostly the snail thing), I decided to crown Leader of the Labour Party Jeremy Corbyn as the King of 2017. I am happy with that.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (41/50): The thing about going self employed is, worst case scenario, you're completely fucked.

12 Oct
Birthday weekend, where myself, Sarah, Mini, Hannah, and my mate Aaron fly to Antwerp, Belgium. During our stay, we also went to Bruges and Ghent, I think? Did we go to Brussels? My memory of the whole trip was one big blur of drunk pain, if I'm honest, as I will be discussing with you very shortly.
UNESCO is a United Nations agency which purpose is, according to wikipedia, "to contribute to peace and security by promoting international collaboration through educational, scientific, and cultural reforms in order to increase universal respect for justice, the rule of law, and human rights along with fundamental freedom proclaimed in the United Nations Charter". Sounds like a good thing, but the United States announced today that it didn't want anything to do with it anymore, and Israel followed shortly after.

13 Oct
Pretty much the initial reason why we went to Belgium was tonight, where we watched Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds perform live. As we went in, I nearly passed out due to lack of consuming anything healthy for the 24 hours previous, but once we were seated, OMFG, what a show. I cried three times, it was emotional and it was explosive and it was probably the best gig I've ever witnessed with my own eyes. Nick Cave is way bigger than all of us.

14 Oct
Ok, here we go.
The most difficult part about writing these Dear Yearly blogs, is how to approach sensitive subject matter that involves other people. As I often feel like these annual pieces are essentially my diary which I use for future referencing, I want to be as open and as truthful as possible. At the same time, this approach has upset many people in the past, and I have come to realise it isn't always right to bring other parties out into the public, even though everyone who knows me should KNOW by now that is how I work.
In fact, what I find humorous is that Sarah has often praised these yearly bits, expressing her anticipation for this very 2017 version, for she knew that she'd play such an imperative role in its content. You do have to wonder how she feels about that now, don't you?
Regardless, in the spirit of honesty, fairness, and kindness, as well as attempting to keep my cool, all I will say about this fateful night was that Sarah behaved in a certain way which I believe was wrong and unwarranted. I feel like I can say with a clear conscience that I did not deserve what happened, and in her defence, everyone was excessively drunk and she has since apologised and taken some responsibility.
At the time, however, there was a darkness inside of me so upsetting that only some metaphorical poem could do it justice, probably comparing my guts to the shit they churn out when they make sausages, I'm not quite sure yet. Either way, I decided right then and there that Antwerp could suck my balls, and I would to whatever it took to get home as soon as possible...
TO BE CONTINUED.
In other news, some people have actual problems. A massive truck bombing in Mogadishu, Somalia, killed 512 people and injured 316, the deadliest in the country's history, and the third-deadliest act of terrorism in recorded history. Al-Shabaab was said to be responsible.

15 Oct
...as it turns out, I would not do whatever it took to get home as soon as possible, because what it would take, was £200. Scrap that idea, and I left everyone to stumble around Antwerp for hours upon hours, all alone, a hangover in my heart, really, really, fucking low.
I want to ensure I paint this dramatic picture accurately, so please imagine this as best as you can: a completely fresh heartbreak, shattered inside of you, shards of pain scraping at your chest like wood until you are utterly hollowed out, with a hangover which deserves its own Bible verse, walking aimlessly around a city you don't know, completely by yourself, the day before your birthday. It was truly a low point of my whole life, but at least the weather was nice.
Then something really peculiar happened. I turned a random corner, and in the distance, I noticed a girl with a South African flag on her bag, and I thought "that's nice". This girl then turned, and began walking towards me, saying something. I thought "hang on a minute, I know this girl, I think I went to school with her..." and then suddenly, everything connected up in a split second. This was my sister, who is also my BFF. I hadn't seen her for a while, as she lives in SA, and she had surprise visited me for my birthday with her friend Angela. Everyone knew but me.
If there is one particular aspect of this event that I am most aware of, is that I will never feel that feeling again. What's more, I'm not sure many people will, but if I had it my way, everyone would at least once in their life. To be that far down, as far down as I potentially can even go, and then to shoot up to such an elated platform of overwhelmed gratitude, an instantaneous reversal of every chemical within me, is unreal. It's more powerful than anything I have ever felt, and as it stands, is my singular most favourite moment of my life thus far. There is a video, but it does not do it justice, as my greatest regret is that I fought back the tears which were right there, yet I did not grant them the escape they pleaded for, as I am a boy.
The Antwerp trip changed after that for the better, of course.
Due to the Weinstein incident a few weeks previously, one of the biggest internet trends of 2017 exploded a few weeks later, namely the #MeToo hashtag campaign, where any woman who had experienced some form of sexual trouble was encouraged to speak out. It was quite eye-opening, and one of the more defining moments of the year.

16 Oct
After undoubtably the most messy see-saw of emotional trips of my entire life, we flew back to London. I remember looking at Sarah and she looked at me and I knew everything was completely wrong. Happy birthday, Jared.

17 Oct
In good Syrian Civil War news: Raqqa was declared fully liberated from the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant today.

20 Oct
Over the saddest curry in human existence, Sarah and I have a conversation which ended our relationship for good.
Once again, it's difficult to know how to detail such a thing, as obviously it's never black and white, would take a long time to fully explain, and the Devil in me just wants to verbally tear her large intestine out through her anus.
But I worked out the simplest way to explain to everyone what happened, in the most unbiased manner possible.
Our relationship wasn't quite working.
I wanted to work on it some more.
She did not.
And as we all know, it only takes one party to trigger a break up. I had no say in the matter.
When it's all said and done, I blame myself. We were in love and I thought that's all we needed, because The Beatles had said so. In all honesty, I thought I was going to marry this girl, and whatever this hurdle was, would only be the first of many over the course of our life together. Because of this romantic haze, I quit my job without fear, for in my heart I knew that there would be a tough adjustment period where finances and time would be scarce, but I would have Sarah to lend some love when I needed it, as she had fully expressed her support before.
This was naive of perhaps both of us. Sarah likes to go out, and when I had to approach my economic world with a bit more caution, I became very boring and one-dimensional. Such a partner would not do for Sarah, I realise now, and even though I needed her the most at this very point, I kinda get why she jumped ship when she did. And I guess, in that way, it's better that it happened now, as it proves the whole bond wasn't as strong as I'd initially thought, as we feigned interest in each other's interests at the best of times anyway, and her resentment towards me always spilled out when she was drunk, of which Antwerp was the boiling point.
The only problem was that I was now in a very intense position. I could not afford any self-sympathy, as I had to get my professional life in order otherwise I'd starve and get kicked out of my house. And so I shoved all thoughts of Sarah deep, deep down, and as we all know, nothing bad can ever come of that. More later.
I want to conclude this official statement that nobody asked for, by speaking to Sarah directly. As I said before, I think you were too hasty, and that you've made a mistake. Not because I want to get back with you (I don't), but because I'm going to take over the world one day, and when I do, please remember that I wished for nothing more than you, to be right there, next to me. That could have been us, but you broke it, you silly girl.
(btw: whilst I'd like everyone to unconditionally side with me on this matter, I want to make it clear that Sarah was my favourite girlfriend I've ever had, and I will still kill anyone who speaks ill of her to me, maybe)

21 Oct
I won the lotto! £2.40 in the EuroMillions! Bringing my grand yearly total to: £13.30! Which just about covers one month of playing woohoo!

22 Oct
Scott Mitchell Putesky AKA Daisy Berkowitz was the lead guitarist and co-founder of the Marilyn Manson band. He left them in 1996, just before they became MASSIVE, and then he died today at age 49 from colon cancer.

23 Oct
Finished reading Cash: The Autobiography of Johnny Cash by Johnny Cash. At times, it was the best autobiography I'd ever read, and other times, the worst. Find out more here!
Got hired by Vivehealth to ghostwrite fitness articles around the web, of which there were 27 dotted around the interwebz by the end of 2017. Look, I'm making it!

24 Oct
Fourth and 2017 final of my album cover/profile pic series: Patti Smith's Horses.
Saw Placebo live. Brian Molko was sick, and they played a really mixed set of classics vs. new songs, which left me disappointed.
Antoine Dominique "Fats" Domino Jr. is often overlooked as a pioneer of rock and roll. He sold 65 million records, had eleven Top 10 hits, and his The Fat Man album from 1949 is known as the "first million-selling Rock 'n Roll record". Reportedly, also a super nice guy. He died today at age 89, from natural causes.

25 Oct
Today we began my annual yearly blog postings, starting with The 20 Best Music Titles of 2017.
Also on this day, the site Flick Fans published 10 Horror Film Villains That Are Still Scary Today which I wrote.
Also on this day, I finally tracked down one of the articles stolen from me. You see, when you're new to the freelance world, people prey on you like a juicy sapling, and by the time you've wised up, you've written a few articles for people who didn't pay you and disappeared. Thankfully, I had proof of them all, and upon discovering one of my snatched creations on 3nions under some other author's name, I contacted the site and they got me in touch with the guy who "stole" it. Turns out, he just bought it from another third party, so a long chain of deceit really, but the guy kindly gave me some cash and I won in the end.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (42/50): The worst part of breaking up is that I have so many unused hilariously romantic tweets that just aren’t relevant anymore.

26 Oct
In another move of financial desperation, I started selling vector graphics on Shutterstock. Go check them out! Buy some! Support ya boy!

27 Oct
Catalonia declares independence from Spain.
Julien Baker releases Turn Out the Lights, my favourite album of the year.

28 Oct
Attended a gong bath today, in an attempt of drowning out my demons. It didn't work, but was still some trippy vibrations, man.

29 Oct
Kevin Spacey went down today, many reports surfacing that he'd been making sexual moves on underage boys. House of Cards was suspended, he was removed from the cast, and Spacey admitted he'd been a bad person and was seeking treatment. He then also came out as a gay man, as if it was relevant. Obviously the gay community did not really like this, and I believe they refused to mail him his special coming out card.

Dear 2017, November: Robert Mugabe resigns, Louis CK wanks in front of people, The Queen has been avoiding tax, Charles Manson dies, Australia support gay marriage

01 Nov
The next annual yearly blog post arrives, The 20 Best Lyrics of 2017.

02 Nov
The Tapanuli orangutan species is discovered in Indonesia, becoming the first great ape identified for almost a century.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (43/50): I find money is like toilet paper. When you got it, you 12-ply layer that shit up. When you don’t got it, one sheet will go a long way.

03 Nov
I woke up this morning and I was a goth. Goddamnit, I knew I should have read the fine print!
In good Syrian Civil War news: both Deir ez-Zor in Syria and Al-Qa'im in Iraq were declared liberated from ISIL today.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (44/50): Homosexuality is wrong according to the Bible, which is a book filled with loads of other stupid shit too.

05 Nov
Second only to the Panama Papers as the biggest data leak in history, was the Paradise Papers, where 13.4 million confidential electronic documents (1.4 terabytes) came out, showing offshore investments, which included those owned by Prince Charles and Queen Elizabeth II. German reporters Frederik Obermaier and Bastian Obermayer for the newspaper Süddeutsche Zeitung were responsible.

06 Nov
Three years veggie today.
Richard Francis Gordon Jr. was one of only 24 people to have flown to the Moon, and he died today, at age 88.

07 Nov
No doubt in some desperate attempt at saving their continuously crashing stock, Twitter double their character limit from 140 to 280.
Paul John Buckmaster was a Grammy Award-winning artist, best known for his orchestral collaborations with Elton John and The Rolling Stones, as well as working on the Guns N’ Roses album Chinese Democracy. He died today at age 71.
Pentti "Whitey" Glan was a drummer who worked with Alice Cooper and Lou Reed. Lung cancer got him today, also at the age of 71.

09 Nov
Louis C.K.'s career bit the dust today as a New York Times article revealed that he had asked multiple women to watch him masturbate. He confessed the incidents to be true. I almost want to side with him on this one. I know it was about abuse of power, but the dude just likes to wank in front of people, there's a homeless dude down my road who does that and everyone just ignores him, no harm done.
Charles Henry Mosley III was the frontman for Faith No More from 1984 to 1988, almost an unsung pioneer of the nü-metal scene. He died from a believed heroin overdose today at age 57.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (45/50): For the record, I have nothing against the Bible, I just don’t think it’s God’s best work. Was a bit too commercial for my taste. I prefer his earlier clay tablet stuff.

10 Nov
Saw Cradle of Filth! Was just as talented and comedic as I'd ever hoped, I really love this band more than I'd ever truly tell anyone. Such a ridiculously fun show, emphasis on ridiculously.
Taylor Swift releases her album Reputation, which sold 1.216 million copies in its first week, quickly becoming 2017's best-selling album.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (46/50): Democracy doesn’t work because stupid people keep having more babies than smart people.

12 Nov
A magnitude 7.3 earthquake strikes the Iraq/Iran border, killing at least 530 and leaving over 70,000 homeless
American Head Charge are a band I almost remember, and founding bass player, Chad Hanks, died from kidney and liver failure at the age of 46 today.

13 Nov
Boo-hoo, today I finished reading How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days: A Day-by-Day Guide to Saying Good-bye and Getting On With Your Life by Howard Bronson and Mike Riley. I didn't write a full review, because it sucked, and despite what you may think, I (mostly) only endured this garbage for research purposes. More on that... next year...
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (47/50): Not satisfied with murdering countless celebrities in 2016, this year God decided to focus on killing their careers instead.

14 Nov
To test my skills, The Clever asked me to write the article 15 Mysteries Science CAN’T Explain. I did, they loved it, and I got the job as a permanent contributor.
Little Mama was a chimpanzee at Lion Country Safari in Florida. At an age between 75 - 80, she was considered the oldest chimpanzee on record. She died today.

15 Nov
Another annual yearly blog posting appears, The 10 Worst Album Cover Artworks of 2017.
Around 61.6% of the Australian people voted to allow same-sex marriage. Some news is good news!
Lil Peep was known for his "post-emo revival style of hip-hop", and he died today at age 21, with some blood in his system, but mostly a mix of fentanyl, alprazolam, marijuana, cocaine, Tramadol, Hydrocodone, Hydromorphone, Oxycodone, and Oxymorphone. There was no alcohol, however.

16 Nov
Went and watched Blanck Mass, was fucking insane.

17 Nov
The Clever article: 15 Celebrities Who Mysteriously Disappeared. As it stands, my most viewed by far, clocking in over a million views before the year was done.

18 Nov
Co-founder/rhythm guitarist/backing vocalist/songwriter for AC/DC, Malcolm Mitchell Young, passed today at age 64 from dementia.

19 Nov
Today, The Zimbabwe African National Union – Patriotic Front, told Robert Mugabe to resign as the Zimbabwean president. He refused, and two days later on the 21st, an impeachment plan was put in place. Mugabe ultimately resigned after negotiating a deal where he was exempted from prosecution and got a $10 million payout. After a controversial 37 years of rule which destroyed the country, many rejoiced.
The Salvator Mundi painting by Leonardo da Vinci sold for US$450 million, a new record price for any piece of art.
The 45th Annual American Music Awards happened. Bruno Mars won 7 awards and zzzzzzz.
The world most famous cult leader, Charles Milles Manson, died today from cardiac arrest after a fight with colon cancer at age 83.

20 Nov
A high velocity asteroid (named ʻOumuamua) is noticed which originated outside of our solar system. So, basically, the first interstellar object we've ever seen. Rad.
The Clever article: 15 Real And Sinister Alien Abduction Stories.

21 Nov
In a proper "stop the press!" type of moment, I was asked to write this article for The Clever called 15 Lesser-Known Facts About The Late Charles Manson. Was intense pressure, but at the same time, a good wave goodbye to ol' pal Charlie.
David Bruce Cassidy was best known as Keith Partridge in sitcom The Partridge Family as well as being a loved 70s pop singer. He died from dementia at age 67 today.

22 Nov
Despite working with them for a long time, today I was officially hired by Pencilmation to write scripts, and I was very very very grateful for this.
The last of the boring annual yearly blog postings, The 10 Best Album Cover Artworks of 2017.
The Clever article: 15 Types Of Tinder Profiles To Avoid.
Went and watched At the Drive-In this evening. They were as excitable and energetic as always, except as they were opening for Royal Blood, their set was short and the crowd didn't get it. Pity! However, Royal Blood were actually great too.

24 Nov
Finished reading Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Allen Carr. It wasn't as earth-shattering as everyone made it out to be. Full review here. Regardless...
...I quit smoking today. Or did I?
305 people die in a mosque attack in Sinai, Egypt. This was second only to the Mogadishu bombings for 2017's worst terrorist attack.

27 Nov
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announce engagement.
Bob Seidemann was best known as the guy who photographed a naked 11-year-old girl for that Blind Faith album. He died today at age 75.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (48/50): Lone emoji responses are a great way to convey a relevant emotion whilst also saying “I am finished with this conversation now”.

28 Nov
After not speaking properly for a month or so, Sarah and I went for drinks, the first time we'd seen each other since the break up. It felt important and sorta nice and sorta sad. We'll be friends again eventually, I'm sure. If you met her, you'd say she was ok.
The Clever article: 15 Roles That Nearly Destroyed The Actor.

Dear 2017, December: my queen Taylor Swift and other women are called Time's people of the year, I fell into deep depression, ISIL is losing hard, net neutrality is under threat, Disney buy 21st Century Fox

03 Dec
After binge watching every episode of BoJack Horseman, I fell into a deep existential depression, questioning the meaning of thought, contemplating the easiest way to disappear completely without causing too much fuss, eating a lot of valium. This may also have had something to do with the long hours of work, my recent cigarette renouncing, or Sarah, but more than likely, a combination of everything, finally coming up to surface, saying hello. My mental health took a real blow here, struggling to get out of bed some days, not getting out of bed other days. Normally though, I'd be fine, only gluing to the spot by fear for an hour or so once a day. This is still going on.

04 Dec
Due to yesterday's meltdown, I nearly made some silly decisions today, called up the Samaritans hotline, and they talked me into a better place in that moment. I was impressed and grateful, and yet still slightly concerned, as should you be if you care at all.

05 Dec
Following some doping investigation, Russia is banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics.

06 Dec
After listening to 456 albums released in 2017, today I stopped considering any new entries for my final top 50.
Time magazine called “the silence breakers” its 2017 person of the year. This was a salute to all those women who were involved with calling out sexual misconduct, and the #metoo campaign which followed. Basically, everyone but men, I think. Which is fine, I'll try again next year.
Related, was the fact that Taylor Swift was on said Time cover, due to her court case against David Mueller for alleged groping, which she won. Add this to 2017's best-selling album Reputation, as well as her sneaky bitch Spotify move against Katy Perry, and I crown Taylor the Queen of 2017. This is the second time I've dubbed her this, the first back in 2015. I think she deserves it just fine.
The Clever article: 15 Confessions From Men In Open Relationships. This one is actually worth the read due to the shit I spewed out from my mind. I have never written this much junk in my life, was almost therapeutic.
YouTube Rewind 2017.

08 Dec
Watched the 2015 documentary called "What Happened, Miss Simone?" which totally cleaned my head up for a while, my depression taking a backseat as I inhaled every album of hers on Spotify, ultimately compiling this 106 song 6 hour long playlist on Spotify for you. Every year this happens with some classic artist, but Nina was a biggie.

09 Dec
Reached 1 million views on The Clever today, which felt like it happened quite quickly.
Iraqi military announces Iraq is "fully liberated" from ISIS, and they have regained control of the Iraqi-Syrian border.

13 Dec
Arguably the most praised yearly article of Juice Nothing, The Top 50 Albums of 2017, was released today. It was the least excited I've been about it yet.
Went and saw Poppy! Such weird fans! Charlotte, her mannequin enemy opened with a DJ set! Poppy herself was delightfully unsettling! One of the most fun gigs of the year! I'd do anything she wanted! I'd kill for her! Yay!

14 Dec
In a really worrisome move, a 3 to 2 FCC vote took place against US net neutrality (meaning all internet data would not be treated the same). Less than an hour after the results were announced, both Washington and New York said they were suing the decision.
The Walt Disney Company acquires most of 21st Century Fox for $66 billion.
"youthquake" is announced as The Oxford Dictionaries Word of the Year 2017. It's defined as "a significant cultural, political, or social change arising from the actions or influence of young people". Seeing as I didn't even know of its existence, I'm going to assume that means I'm officially old now.
The Clever article: 15 Reasons Why People Keep Vanishing In The Alaska Triangle.
What's that? Another Clever article? Two in one day? Yes. Here: 15 Weird Corners Of Wikipedia People Don’t Know About.

15 Dec
Three weeks cigarette free, which was 100% my goal. I proceeded to smoke right away, and have been off and on for the rest of the year. At least I've cut down, right? I also now know what I'm up against, so can give it another go when I'm actually ready next time.
After knowing for a while, today SpareRoom announced me as their monthly winner! Got £702 for that luck! Really awesome because I actually did need it more than usual.
Clever businessman Eminem releases his new album Revival so late in the year where there was no competition, and as a result, he becomes the first artist with 8 consecutive #1 debuts.

16 Dec
Ralph Carney was a session musician multi-instrumentalist who has recorded with The B-52's, Elvis Costello, and Les Claypool, but it's his longtime work with Tom Waits that people will remember him for. His nephew Patrick Carney is the drummer for the Black Keys, and together they composed the BoJack Horseman theme song. Sadly, he fell down some stairs today, knocked his head about, and died at age 61.

18 Dec
The Clever article: 15 Craziest Conspiracy Theories Of All Time.

20 Dec
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (49/50): Always talk about your problems, because once you’ve said them out loud, you’ll be so embarrassed over how pathetic you sounded that you’ll just get on with it.

21 Dec
Bruce McCandless II was the first NASA astronaut to make an untethered free flight in his space suit alone. This was in 1984, and today, he died at age 80.

22 Dec
The United Nations continue to cut off imports to North Korea, including about 90% of their petrol.
UK announce our passports will be changing to the traditional navy blue after Brexit, and I had a panic attack immediately.
The Clever article: 15 Of The Strangest Phobias From Around The World.

23 Dec
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2017 (50/50): I Liked your post because I want to fuck you.

25 Dec
Christmas! Had the best one in years, staying at my friends' home (Adam and Didi), where they fed me loads, I got very drunk, met some new nice people, played card games, and nothing spiralled down into a dark abyss of drug abuse and self loathing, which is what normally happens. Hooray!

27 Dec
Finished reading American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis. Holy fucking shit, that was one helluva ride. It upset me and yet is one of the best books I've ever endured. Full review here.


28 Dec
Wrote this very blog piece, and you read it, thank you so much! It's a little bit earlier than usual because I am off to South Africa tomorrow, the 29th. As the trip was booked a long time ago, I will be sitting next to Sarah on the flight. It's almost funny. You can go your own way.


Holy Jesus though, how long was that? Seriously, how long was that actually? If you read this whole letter, then my props and absolute appreciation for you, because it's proper stupid I do this. I have this one friend who swears I'm on the autism spectrum and uses shit like this as an example, and I dunno, maybe I should get that looked at. I wanna stop.

It also didn't help that this was the most painfully difficult yearly letter I've ever written. Proper torture. It's a total shame, really, because the first three quarters were blissfully euphoric, man! I spent so many months praising the Sun/Moon, thanking them for blessing me with such a heavenly experience, building a tower from colourful lego bits which grew taller and taller. The last quarter fucked it though! It all went tits up! I felt so powerful and had so much strength that I decided to dive into the deep end, and look what happened! I landed in a pit of mud! I was drowning! I was fighting for my life!

But the thing about mud is this: you can grow flowers in mud, and make yourself look pretty with flowers. You can also grow weeds in mud, and tie them around your enemies' necks, choking them to death.

The Sarah thing fucked me up, I have had no shame in admitting that. It felt like someone ripped the DVD out halfway through the film, and then they snapped the disc in half, and it was a limited edition DVD, and it's like "why the hell are you doing this????", but at the same time, I guess it's nice that the whole experience was born and died within the 2017 timespan. It's in that box, it's neat and tidy, let's wrap that up and put that away over there. It is what it is, and there is nothing I can do about it, but I tell you this now: next year is going to be fascinating! Because I'm either going to kill myself, or I'm going to rise like the majestic cake of splendour, so tasty, making them cash moneys just by selling my written thoughts to people, with a much better understanding of what it will take to make my next relationship to work (spoiler: mutual commitment).

Ok, as is tradition, let's look at some more stats to do with ME. Musically, my band released a full length album and played a bunch of shows, all the while I released two solo EPs as Coming Down Happy, which is more audio output than any year of my life. I wrote 16 blog posts, which is less than usual, but my blog hit a million views, and I did go into writing full fucking time and wrote tons of other stuff all over the place, which is my dream, so fuck everything really. I wrote a book in rough too, but that's 2018's glory. Ammr and I shot loads of movie reviews, and we also love each other and we also live together, so that's like three boxes ticked with one tick. I painted four acrylic pieces, partook in my first art exhibition, started making cool profile pic/album cover Photoshop works (four in total, there will be many more), and began my adventure into the stock cartoon vector graphics world. I made a portfolio website. I saw 41 big bands live. I visited 6 countries, 4 of which I'd never been to before (Slovenia, France, Portugal, Belgium), plus I went to Portugal twice. According to Strava, I ran 342.3km in total this year, and I might go for another run right now, who knows. I read 15 books, 3 more than my goal. And I had lots and lots of really good sex, and that's what life is about. Literally, it is. That's how babies are made.

When you look at it as a bunch of numbers and comparisons, without delving into the emotional wordy self-sympathy side of the report, you were off the charts amazing, 2017. I was so looking forward to writing this letter all year, thanking you with love from the bottom of my heart, which is why it's cry-worthy that my heart dried up into an avocado seed right at the end, and now I am unequipped to feel love for anything at all. But then again, maybe that was your true gift. The perfect ending to the perfect year. Where I was forced to learn lessons and survive. It's probably what I'll remember most about you, in hindsight. You sneaky bugger, 2017. If I die it's all your fault, don't forget that, haha.

Yo, if you get a second to trade whispers with 2018, let her know that I'd like to work on the following with her: designing and developing a foolproof formulaic approach, one which systematically self-sustains itself whilst evolving, applicable to any important aspect of my life, followed by a book written on the topic, followed by a book deal, followed by money and a workaholic artistic wife who loves me forever. Ok thanks!

Kisses on the bottom,
Jared Woods
xxx