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Wednesday 30 August 2017

How To Save Money in 10 Easy Steps

The Adventurer's Guidebook

How To Save Money in 10 Easy Steps

Once upon a time, long long ago (a few years), I was just like you. A peasant! No offence. It seemed to me that whenever the gods blessed my bank account with money, it was always in a nick of time, pennies to my name, beans for breakfast, picking change up off the floor. Truth be told, money was not the enjoyable trading asset it was designed to be, but rather made my stomach feel like a pot bubbling with stressful mud. I never had enough and was always ridden with guilt when I spent it, and slowly my monthly value weighed me down like stones tied to my ankles. I realised I was drowning and knew at that point, there had to be a better way.

And that is where my personal adventure began. I was aware that "money" had become a very popular topic in the town, and by this logic, I concluded that there must be people with the same troubles as mine. And one thing I do know with all certainty, is that where there is mass trouble, there is always some sneaky hustler ready to exploit said trouble for their own financial gain. And I was right. It didn’t take more than a few clicks on the internet machine to discover an extensive underground community of people dying to stretch their paychecks further, with an abundance of knowledge in all formats readily available, far too much for any one man to digest in a lifetime. But I was hungry, and I gave it a go, devouring the freely available blog posts as well as purchasing various books (I Will Teach You To Be Rich by Ramit Sethi standing as the most useful one, by the way) and I am proud to announce to you the following: I am still rubbish with money.

However, that is not the point! The point is that I have reached new levels of consciousness and I now know exactly what I am doing, sort of. The turmoil I used to experience has been cured like placing the ointment of knowledge onto my crusty skin. Every month is no longer a desperately wary crawl towards the next lump of income, but rather, a game, one where I distribute my resources intelligently and laugh at those who are broke all the time, ha ha ha. Which is why I felt like I was in a worthy position to write this blog. The best position, some might say. Because I am not a money wizard like those others who mumble fancy jargon and conduct lengthy abbreviations as if casting spells in reverse Latin. No! I am but a simpleton, and simpletons speak the language of simpletons, which is probably your language. I read some stuff. I tried some stuff. I noticed what stuff stuck and worked for me. And if these simple techniques worked for me, they can work for you, no problem.

My only concern is how much of this article will suffer due to my objective of making something timeless and globally relevant. This held me back from going higher grade and revealing what hot deals are available to you right now, because once this script is released to the world, I doubt I will ever be assed to update it again. On the plus side, however, this means that these tips and tricks should remain somewhat relevant even 10 years from now, and that’s pretty cool, I guess. As for anyone undertaking the mission outside of the United Kingdom, do not fear! Simply ignore the mighty pound sign and replace it with your own currency’s symbol. No one will get hurt.

Furthermore, this article was written with monthly paydays in mind. Do not let this bother you either, as even if this does not apply to your income patterns, you will still find many words of value on offer and enjoy the awesome read you have before you. Believe me, it’s amazing, I would know, I wrote it.

Finally, I understand money can be a boring or even petrifying topic. Which is why I do not want you to treat this as a finance text book. This is not an investment guide about stocks or bonds or mortgages, nor is it a system which promises to double your money in 30 days. What it is, is an adventurer’s toolbox, filled with magic tricks and shiny weaponry which will train you up on how to fight the scary money beasts that come in many forms, and expand your pouches without having to earn any more dough than you already are. With enough courage and valour, you too can become a warrior sorcerer just like me, and one day, you will hopefully accept me as your king. But that’s a different story.

All Step images created with this Magic The Gathering card generator, thanks!


Step #1: Escape the Debt Quicksand First and Foremost, or You Shall Never Play the Game

This imperative first step of your mission may be (for some) slightly tedious or even obvious, but just in case you haven’t yet mapped your strategy, allow me to spell this out to you in no uncertain terms: if you’re in debt, whether it be a loan or a credit card or both or many of, do not even fuck with saving money. You need to get out of the quicksand which is filling your pockets with dirt and cleaning them out, and you need to do so immediately.

If you’re not entirely convinced, you are stupid, but for the sake of argument, remove your calculators from your potion belt and let’s ponder over some simple maths. Say you carry a mere £500 dent on your credit card with a standard UK average APR of 18.9%, and you are currently stabbing at it with the minimum monthly payments of around 3%. This would mean that by the time you’ve finally escaped the debt pit, you would have paid an excess of £189, a burden which would have also cast a shadow over your head for four years (which isn't even considering whether or not you were silly enough to get a loan with annual fees, yeech). We are looking at a decent chunk of coins for a very moderate story, all of which you could be putting away to work towards the thing you love the most. This cash and so much more can all be yours by simply striking your card as hard and as fast as possible.

JUST A TIP
Work out your own specific scenario by using Money Super Market’s nifty little calculator tool here.

Naturally, not everyone's quicksand is going to be of the same depth, and there will always be those rare examples when the urgency to crawl away from this pesky obstacle won’t apply. Perhaps you are still knee deep in a student loan with 0% interest rate, in which case, it isn't of the same critical mass of bleeding cash, but nevertheless, it's still worthwhile to regularly hack bits from it for your own peace of mind. Even less likely, is that you have somehow acquired such a low credit card APR rate and/or high interest rate savings account, that the interest lost vs. interest gained still works in your favour if you are saving money at the same time. Nicely played, if so! However, even if this is your situation, you are still not fully reaping the benefits of your mighty savings account, as every penny lost in the debt abyss could rather be multiplying over there instead. Use your calculations wisely, and no matter who tells you anything, always listen to me: keep this sacred step as your foremost priority regardless of the path you come from.

For the most part, however, we are all normal people with normal accounts, which makes this debt cavity a much more dangerous cancerous growth. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Damnit Jared, if it was that simple to pay off my debts, I would have done it already! But my credit cards/loans are really big and scary so I think I’ll just ignore them until they goes away”. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that because people want what they are owed and nobody cares about you. Except for me. I am the only one you can truly trust. I’m here to help, so listen.

An obvious (and highly recommended) solution would be for you to google different ways to get out of debt, because my advice is a one-size-fits-all type of deal, and there might be a slight variation somewhere better tailored to your body type. However, one thing I can urge you to do that so many adventurers overlook, is to pick up your phone-device and call your credit card provider, as the difference this can make is what fairy tales are made from. Tell them that you’ve decided you want to pay off your owings as fast as possible and you would love for them to lower the APR (monthly interest/annual percentage rate) for you. If you’ve been paying on time (read: always pay on time, or your worth will be penalised beyond recognition and your credit rating will weep blood) and are a longer-term customer, use these facts as mini-spells to work in your favour, hopefully wooing them into submission. Tell them about other cards you’ve seen with lower APRs (do some research, better if you can name them by name) and gently threaten them with these findings if needs be. This whole performance is not guaranteed to work every time, granted, but it does work some of the time, and you have absolutely nothing to lose.

A TALE FROM THE ADVENTURES OF JARED
The first time I called up my credit card company and asked them to do this, they lowered my 31.9% APR down to 23.9% in a few minutes. Literally one phone call, people. One phone call.

Another (slightly more courageous/foolish) plan, is to locate a card specifically designed to transfer your debt onto. These are called Balance Transfer cards, and often have a muuuuch lower (or even sometimes, non-existent) APR rate, which bandages up the wound that weeps excess cash whilst you tackle the problem in a more secure corner. Another option could even be getting another loan elsewhere to pay it off, but either way, idea remains the same: you find someone/something willing to give you a load of money to pay off the big debt monster (always tackling your biggest debt first, of course), and as long as the helpful borrower has a lower interest rate, you will save money in the long run. But be oh-so-fucking-careful with this! Some cards do come with a transaction fee, and even worse, your previous credit card may have a penalty system in place for doing so, which is why you should always always read the fine print, or at very least google it. It’s a somewhat dangerous game, rife with complex terminology and secret greedy hands that are trained to snag you along the way, so be 100% sure of what you’re signing or the bad men and women will get you. They always do. It's their job. Their sole purpose in life.

However, if all else fails, you could just do it the old fashion way: pay off your debts, bit by bit, as often as possible. And that’s where the rest of this article comes in. I will provide you with many techniques and examples which serve to collect up slivers of money which you can shove into your debt’s face until you suffocate it to death. And what’s more, you will learn how to play the credit game in a much smarter way to safeguard you from this ever happening again. But for now, what I suggest you do, is to get out your trusty pen and paper, read the rest of this blog, and make note of every single cent you save over the next month or so. You want to know how much of these savings you should be putting towards your debt? All of it. No questions. No excuses. Because once you’ve liberated yourself from this evil quicksand, that’s when the real fun begins.

JUST A TIP
After you’ve destroyed your credit card issues, call your provider and cancel them. Don’t just cut your cards up like they do in the movies. An empty card with no activity can negatively affect your credit score, and there is no reason for that.

On a final and related note: you should seriously consider cancelling your overdraft right away, especially if you find this is your natural place of habitat. You are living in it for one reason: it’s there. If you tell people that "it's for emergencies", then why do you have an emergency every month? Are you ok? Yes, certainly there will be a period of hell following as your finances balance themselves out and you have to learn to live within your means again, but once it all stabilises, only then can you start abiding by one of the most important rules of having money: don’t spend cash that isn’t yours.

We will be taking a much more advanced look at all of this in Step #9, but for now, you are simply not ready. Baby progress, let's move on to this now:


Step #2: Everything You Spend Should Be Traceable

So now that you are well wise about the dangers of debt, we can actually begin today’s lesson. Welcome to the true heart of my system, you’re going to hate it.

What you want to do, from now until the rest of your life, is keeping track of every single bit of money you spend. I know, I know, this sounds like a total exhausting mission, right? Well, I have news for you: it may very well be a total exhausting mission, but a worthy mission of the highest calibre, potentially the seed of most potent growth, wrestling back control over the personal inventory you once had. Here, take my hand, and I will guide you through how I approached this step, and maybe you’ll find something here that will work for you too. We’ll take it slow. Let’s tackle the first month together.

What you are going to need, is a place to document all your spendings. A pen and paper might be your preferred technique, and that’s fine, especially if you’re a granny. But in this modern day and age of wonderment and smartyphones, you might want to download an app to make your life a little easier and more portable. Go ahead and google “finance manager apps” or “expense tracker apps”, because I never did. I simply settled for the first one I found, which was called Toshl. I still use this app regularly because it’s simple, it’s free, and it did exactly what it said on the tin. And what the tin said, was this: when you purchase absolutely anything, you punch the total amount into Toshl, give it a tag to remember it by, and then submit it, providing the app with everything it needs to neatly save a little database of your spending habits to mock you with later. If taking out your phone every time you go to the bar feels a little embarrassing to you, another quicker method would be to always ask for the receipt. Place said receipt into a pocket you’ve reserved for receipts, and then once a day or so, transfer those numbers from the paper ink into the world of digital Toshl. What’s important here is that you should recycle your receipts, because you want to be a better person. But what’s also important here is that you do not, I repeat, do not, skip the recording of any expenditures, no matter how small. Otherwise, this won’t work, buddy!

Once your first month is up, Toshl (or whatever app you decided to go with, as long as it includes this feature) should provide you with a nice little pie chart clearly illustrating what the biggest black holes in your wallet may be. For example, my top five worst troubles were: Bills; Drinking; Party Tickets; Food; and... (drumroll please)... the all informative label titled Misc. I have no doubt in my mind that Bills will be on your list too, so we will be addressing that hurdle separately in Step #5, ignore that one for now. Rather, you are left with your own personalised selection of four monsters which you are going to have to learn to fight waaay better. Maybe they are the same as my monsters. Maybe they are not. It doesn't matter, as all monsters can be fought and weakened in much the same manner.

The next step of our program is entirely dependent on you knowing who these enemies are, so please do ensure you have some idea of what I just told you to do, or at least pretend.


Step #3: Chopping Flesh off of Your Scariest Monsters

You have now acknowledged the four biggest monsters which are attacking your bank account. You know your enemy. And this can very well be your greatest asset to winning the war.

Obviously your top four money suckers are there for a reason, you’ve probably even grown somewhat fond of them and probably don’t want to (or cannot) completely get rid of their presence. This is fine! But we can hack them up so viciously that they lose an arm and a leg, rendering their efforts of crippling your financial bricks much harder on their part. Draw your sword, let’s get medieval.

The plan of attack may be a word you fear, or a word you already subscribe to, but your emotional human reaction is irrelevant. The simple truth of the matter, is that every single money saving guide ever written throughout history will tell valuable tales of this defence. Bitch, you gotta budget.

Luckily, we have grown so much as a society that those images of your mommy scribbling in an accounts book are no longer relevant to our funky new age options. There are so many modern platforms promising to help us live within our goals, and I’m sure it won’t take long for you to find one perfectly suited to your needs. That said, I am personally recommending Goodbudget, partially because it’s free, partially because it works on your phone, and partially because they have this cute little envelope mascot who I have developed feelings for.

Download this or that or whatever, and set up your envelopes. What are envelopes, you ask? These are the sections of your life which are in the most dire need of budgeting, and thanks to Step #2, we already know who they are. Your four big monsters. Your true adversaries. Stick each of their names on a different envelope, and then calculate what you should be spending on them over the course of the next month. Once again, if you followed the previous step correctly, you should already know the amount of money each monster swallowed the month before, which brings us onto a system I have developed all on my own. You won’t find this anywhere else in the world, so appreciate that I am actually losing time and money by giving this away for free so that you can save time and money.

The trick here is to set each separate envelope budget to the same amount you spent on their corresponding monster the month before, except subtracting £10 from each. Now it’s as simple as taking note in this app of every penny you spend within those categories, and keeping a diligent eye for when your phone warns you that you are headed to bust one of these limits. With a tiny bit of caution, you should hit your next payday within your budget rather easily, because, let’s be fair, spending only £10 less than the month before on food or clothes or travel or whatever, is not a lot to ask. And there you go. You will have saved £40 extra in one month with such a minute adjustment that you didn’t even notice the difference.

But you don’t stop there. The next month? Subtract £10 more. The next? Subtract £10 more. The next? Yeah? Do you get what I’m doing here? I’m not asking you to suddenly change your lifestyle or run head first into your monsters with guns blazing. I’m asking you to make slow, gradual alterations to your spending, from month to month, so you can reap in massive benefits without even being aware of any behavioural changes. And the benefits are fucking massive. How massive? Glad I asked.

Let’s look at it this way: if you keep up this £10 a month deduction process for a mere four months, based on your initial spending habits, you would have saved £10 (first month), then £20 (second month), then £30 (third month), then £40 (fourth month). That’s £100. Multiple that by four (for each of the monsters), and that’s £400 extra saved in four months. £600 in five. £840 in six. Depends how low you can go, really.

As before, the only slight annoyance is that you will have to continue keeping track of everything you spend for the rest of your life. For some, this may seems like an exhausting exercise, but it doesn’t have to be, especially once it becomes a habit. As soon as you buy something, quickly plug it into your Toshl app or shove a receipt into your reciept pocket, and deal with it later. Once every few days or so, spend 10 minutes getting your budget planner app up to date, recognising which monsters are becoming dangerous (or which ones you can spend more on if you like!) and then living freely without the weight of money worries on your adorable brain.

Inevitably, however, there will come a month when you simply cannot duck under an envelope's budget. You’ve hacked the monster to the bare minimum and you can’t seem to slim it down any further. This happened to me, and will happen to anyone, when the bar has simply been pushed too low for your preferred lifestyle. But if you’re 100% honest with yourself and you feel proud of how much you’ve managed to chop off anyway, perhaps you can accept that you've hit your cement point and are ready to chill. Consider not lowering the budget anymore. This is your fixed budget from now on. Stick to it.

A TALE FROM THE ADVENTURES OF JARED
Story time.
This practice can also be altered if you suddenly have a larger expense charging on the horizon, like a holiday or a festival or repairs to your car. This happened to me not so long ago, when I was about to embark on a three week trip from France to Spain to Portugal. I essentially work to travel, so when it came to money, I did not want to even think about budgeting while I was on my holiday. So I devised a little plan...
For three months leading up to the excursion, I halved my alcohol budget. This meant I could still drink, but had to be way more selective about when and where. Furthermore, when I did buy a beer, it caused me great regret and grief, because I knew that was one less beer I could have in a much more exciting environment. Perhaps I am an alcoholic, and perhaps my motivation was alcohol, but the point of the story is... I failed every month. I always went over budget.
However, the looming limit did keep me in relative check, and by the end, I had a few extra hundred quid at my disposal, completely guilt free holiday cash to spend on whatever I wanted, and I had such a wonderful time. The beer did taste much better over there, actually.
Alcohol, drugs, take out, restaurants, taxis ... these are all things you could cut drastically out of your expenses, and would probably add up to a fuckload more money saved if your life is as disastrous as mine. I also do Dry January every year, and the alcohol cash I save from that is sickening.

There are a few other paths you could explore, depending on how deep into the forest you want to go. I went pretty deep and have a spreadsheet where I record every single cent I spend too. It’s a great pedantic reference point if I ever want to keep track on how much more I am spending on vinyls this month or how much I could have saved if I only quit smoking a year ago. Perhaps you consider this to be overkill, and then by all means, don't do it. But you should still consider keeping a brief monthly diary of your adventures, updating it every payday to evaluate what went well the month before, what didn’t go so well, and what goals you should strive towards going forward. It doesn't need to be exhaustively detailed and should even be a fun exercise, not only because its associated with the glorious feeling of payday tradition, but also because it will fill you with pride and only encourage you to improve your situation as it goes on. This is a game!

Above all else, I can promise you this: by simply keeping track of your finances, you enter a higher state of money awareness. An economic third eye, if you will. Everything you purchase will have to be cleared through a much stronger security system in your mind, because you will hesitate and consider whether your budget envelope can withstand the blow. Just by doing this alone, you will save money, guaranteed.

Finally, I want to bless you with another small move I utilise to keep me in check. Normally a week or so passed payday, I look at how much money is in my account, and then divide it by the number of days left until the next amount of money is coming in. The resulting number is exactly your daily allowance, and should hopefully scare you straight into touching your finances as little as possible. This can actually be very rewarding, because each day you don’t spend that designated money, you are kinda earning more cash, in a roundabout way. Think about it: if you have £20 left per day for 20 days, and you don't spend anything today, your daily allowance becomes £21.05 tomorrow, increasing as it gets the cut of what was left over, whilst being split over less days. This can become very exciting, because with a bit of care, the closer you come to payday, the number of days sharing the profit becomes so small that the excess handed over grows like mad. I’ve had (rare) months when I managed to get my daily allowance up to £30 a day with four days left. That means that if I don’t touch it, it becomes £40 a day with three days left like a fucking snowball of money. Recently I walked into my paycheck with £200 spare, bang, straight into the savings, didn't feel a thing.


Step #4: Chopping Flesh off of the Bill Monster

Without a doubt, the biggest common enemy we all have to face is the Bill Monster. He is a central figure in all of our bank account’s list of antagonists, mouth gaping wide and inhaling cash like he deserves it or something. His infamy is so far reaching that most of his victims simply accept his presence as a part of life, like some immovable force we have no control over. But that is a weak attitude, and you need to be a better fighter than that.

As like before, the best way to defeat your enemy is to pick apart the elements that make it whole. Calculate how much you’re spending on each individual bill, divide, and then conquer. One of the best ways to do this, is to actually get the monster to fight itself until it knocks the shit out of its own face and you come out slightly more victorious. And this is how you do that:

Pick a bill, any bill (gas, electric, phone, internet, contact lenses, whatever) and then shop around for another company offering the same service, except at a better rate or at least with some fancy introductory offer included. Then call up your current provider and tell them what you’ve been thinking about. If they value you as a customer, they will try beat this offer or at least try and gift you some other fancy thing you may like. If they don’t value you as a customer, then why even waste your strength? If you want to be the best warrior you can be, you need to sever all loyalty and go with the more beneficial option, because trust me, in one way or another, everyone is ripping you off. That’s how they make their money.

If you’re anything like me, this concept may fill you with fear, as I loathe the telephone, but if any financial book has taught me anything, it’s that by simply making a call, you’ve just gone forward with a move that 99% of people won’t do, which puts you in a much higher league of soldiers—a league which is so rare, in fact, that these companies actually have it in their budget to deal with you, paying you off to go away. And just like before, if you only manage to cut off £10 from four different bills, that’s potentially £480 a year from just four phone calls. And I reckon you could do a fuckload better than that.

JUST A TIP
Keep a spreadsheet (or whatever) where you document every call you make to these types. Note the the date, the time, the company, and the representative's name who you spoke to, as well as whatever the call was concerning and the general outcome. This can be useful if you ever need to call again about a related issue, because as soon as you start name-dropping with an associated time/date, they will be very quick to realise they are not dealing with an average customer. They will sit up straight and pay attention very quickly.

There are other ways too, best illustrated by examples:

A TALE FROM THE ADVENTURES OF JARED
When I, for the millionth time, joined up to a gym, I had very little faith in myself that I was actually going to use it (based on my past success rate). Which is why, with this torch of reluctance, I signed up for a 3 month rolling contact rather than anything more permanent, which cost me £76pm. Too much!
After a few months rolled on by, I realised I was surprisingly committed to the gym now, and so I phoned them up and asked if I could sign a new contract, this time for a whole year. Naturally, they were more than happy to have a confirmed paying customer for that guaranteed length of time, and my monthly bill got knocked down to £67. That’s £9 saving a month, £108 savings a year. Pretty decent for one phone call.
I then discovered that my job at the time offered a voucher (more on this later, see Step #8) which allowed employees to knock a further few % off of their gym memberships. I excitedly told my colleagues about it, and they confessed they had no idea this even existed. Anyway, a quick email sent to my gym, they applied the voucher, and my monthly bill got knocked down a bit again, now standing at £60. That totalled to a £16 saving a month from the initial amount, £192 a year, from just a little bit of research, one phone call, and an email. Easiest money I’ve ever made. Maybe.

I have another story actually, one second.

A TALE FROM THE ADVENTURES OF JARED
For a while back then, I was hosting four websites, which cost me something like £80 each a year = £320, just to have my amazing pages up and running. For an embarrassing amount of years, I just paid that without thinking about it, because they were my babies and I’d do anything for my babies.
To skip to the end, one day I eventually noticed that each one of these sites were hosted with an “unlimited amount of storage space”. Obviously, that’s a lie, but if we had to take them on their word, that would mean I had infinite webspace four times over, which is stupid, because as with anything in life, one infinity is enough. So I emailed up the company and asked if I could host all my accounts under one roof, and then just pay for the separate domain names instead. They seemed surprised I’d never asked to do this before, and happily set it up. So now I pay for all four sites for the price of one. Such a stupid oversight initially, and doesn't say much for my savviness, but the lesson is a good one: sit down, look at each bill, refuse to swallow any of them as “just the way it is”, and make a plan. In this example I am saving £240 a year for literally half an hour of effort.

Ok, but let’s be real for a second. You don’t have to tell anyone, just whisper the answer to yourself: Are you even using your gym membership at all? If not, cut that bill out completely. Or if your vanity fears that this action will be surrendering into a fat defeat, do a little calculation. How much does a day pass at your gym cost? Multiply that number by the amount of times you’ve been to the gym in the last three months, and then divide that total by three to get a fair monthly average. Is that number lower than what you’re paying for your contact? If so, there is some free money right there for you if you want it.

Maybe this specific scenario doesn’t apply to you because the gym sucks, but you can apply the logic to anything you like. Signed up for a porn website you hardly ever wank at? Subscribed to a magazine that has the same content online? Sports channel you watch once a month? Insurance for a phone that you’ve not busted for over 3 years? Slice those bastards off at the roots, and it your riches will add up substantially.


Step #5: Collecting Enough Coins to Obtain the Junk You Want

Up until this point, all the money coming your way from me (you're welcome) is a slightly lengthy automated system that requires patience for your stash to be rewarded. But what good does that do you in modern society, as a player who is undoubtedly craving instant gratification, salivating over the idea of having more stuff right this instant.

Well, maybe you should just chill out a bit, ok? By following steps 2 - 4 and keeping track of every coin you part with, you should develop a natural awareness and fear of spending anything, and that alone can become a very profitable bonus immediately. However, money is only the skeleton of true power, because why we actually want money, is to trade it for tangible things. Shiny things. Heavy things. Things that we hope will bring us some happiness, despite what Buddha tells us. And that's what Step #5 is all about: the best way to accumulate possessions during your adventure without making so many holes in your nest that your eggs fall out.

The trick here may not be any hushed secret whispered on the wind of oak trees, but it is a science that requires hefty elaboration in order to stitch together a proper protective blanket. Simply put, you need to look for deals. If you have your eyeballs fixated on something, don’t just click them buttons on Amazon in a feverish haste, because the chances are, you can find it cheaper somewhere else. Google the thing you want. Look at stores which specialise in the type of item you are hunting for. Even if you can shave £3 off of the shipping, that’s easily a free lunch right there. And who says no to a free lunch?

A good place to start is to research bargain sites and then locating one which homes the object of your desire, pausing to look left (ensure their price is lower than what Amazon is offering), and then right (ensuring that the provider is trustworthy according to unrelated sources), and then left again (ensuring there is no print so small that you need to increase your screen resolution just to read it). But an even better ally in this quest, would be the previously uttered magic words “introductory offers”. Perhaps a shop that stocks this object will offer you 20% off of your first purchase if you sign up to be a member. So do that, order the item, and then NEVER USE THEIR SERVICE AGAIN WITHOUT THE UTMOST CAUTION, because there might be some hidden clause that fucks you once the initial pampering has expired (a tiny bit more on this later in Step #9). Mark their emails as spam, and move onto the next item, the next shop, the next introductory offer, perpetually stealing money from those hardworking companies. It’s fine, they’d do it to you in a second. They probably already have.

However, this is still a war, and you can’t say warning without war, so please do pay heed: if you don’t play your hand with a strategic restraint, you may get burnt and lose a life. Looking for deals is fine if you already know what you want. But if you have a compulsive shopping disorder, there are traps everywhere designed just for you, throwing glitter into your eyes and charming you with colourful fonts until you are giving out your bank details to a complete stranger. Do not buy stuff for deals' sake. You might end up with a billion glowsticks for half the price, but you never wanted glow sticks in the first place, so where did you save money there exactly?

Another devious manoeuvre the enemy likes to play, is that of comparison sites. You may think you’re being smart by taking this initiative, and in some ways you are, but be very wary. Even comparison sites are businesses (key word) who make their money by telling you which competitor is offering the best deal. But where do they think they are getting their money from? Are they doing this out of the honour of their hearts? Or maybe, just maybe, is there some sneaky bribe taking place? Some underhanded payment which ensures their partners get to the top slot on their list every time? I believe so, which is why I trust these guys as much as I trust anyone. Which is not a lot at all.

Is any of this helping? If not, I have some other tasty goodies which may interest you, right this way.

Take a brutal look around your room. Do you really need all of this crap? What haven’t you used for a while? That old thing? Sell it! Sell it for such a low price that it’s a steal! Because even if you don’t get that much, what does it matter, you weren’t using it, and it’s just a gulp of extra fuel from a completely free resource. On that topic, do not be so up your own class that buying cheap knock-offs or second hand items is below you. If you find the thing you are looking for with an exceptionally reduced price, even it isn’t 100% what you want, you should go for it. Not only will you be saving money, but you will also be saving the environment from having to deal with more junk being birthed into it. Or an even better idea (if you are this way inclined): find something that could be quite different from what you want, or even the raw materials for it, and put it together yourself. It will take more time, and time is money, but with this approach you will have a one-of-a-kind-custom variation of something you barely paid for, not to mention an end result that you will have loads of pride associated with. Maybe your friends will see it. Maybe your friends will want it. Maybe you will start to sell them and become rich. If that happens, please buy me a beer.

JUST A TIP
If you're planning on going holiday anytime soon, or even if a good friend is, it might be worth looking into how much the item of your eye costs over there. What happens next might surprise you.

Finally, here is a super gangster trick I heard over at Money Saving Expert, but please keep in mind that I have never tried it, so I do not exactly approve of it by experience. It sounds legit though, so it’s worth mentioning. You know how some shops guarantee that “if you can find a better price, we’ll beat it!”? Apparently, sometimes this promise works even after you have already bought the product, and you have about a month to claim the deal, to which they pay the difference. So here’s how you essentially commit fraud: come Xmas time, buy all of your presents from a shop that offers such a promise. Naturally, after New Years, almost everywhere in the world drops their prices as they clear non-purchased stock from the Xmas rush. Simply find another shop doing a clearance sale that sells an item you bought previously, and then bring that figure to the original shop who made you the “we’ll beat it” deal. In theory, free money, but I’d be a little bit careful with this as it might not work and you might go to Hell.

A TALE FROM THE ADVENTURES OF JARED
This literally just happened! It's so good that I had to share!
A few days ago I ordered a Macbook from Currys, and it arrived impressively promptly, all in one piece, fully functional, shiny and new.
The only downside was that literally the next day, the Currys website lowered the same Macbook's price by £150! I couldn't believe it. What were the chances?
I started to toy with the idea of triggering my return policy, getting my money back, and then repurchasing the item for the discounted price (and I totally would have), but decided to first give them a call to get their opinion.
I spoke to a very lovely lady named Gwen, who totally agreed with me that returning the machine would be a lot of unnecessary effort and paperwork for both parties, and she refunded me the £150 within 10 minutes. Done. Much appreciated Currys, here is some free promo for you.
The lesson even I learned here is this: if you make a big purchase, always check back to the website you bought it from. If the price is lowered within your refund date, threaten to exercise this right and they'll more than likely bend the knee without questions.

Read This Next Maybe

10 Reasons to Become Vegetarian
10 Reasons to Become Vegetarian

Step #6: The Age Old Penny Pinching Legend

Do not underestimate this pistol in your holster, for while it may seem like an insignificant array of tiny bullets, with enough of them, you can still tally up quite a few hits of severe damage. Because if you think about it, shaving £5 off of a grocery shop every week, totals to £260 extra savings a year, which is quite a lot if you want to runaway from home.

Some of these tips may seem obvious to you, but do you do them? DO YOU? For example: if you buy a tin of spaghettios every week, and there is a deal which allows you to by six for the price of five, that's a no brainier, buy that instead. Yes, you spend a bit more this week, but then each shop after that is a little bit cheaper, you dig? Two for one, three for £5, half price ... these are the smoke signals you need to develop your ESP for. Buy in bulk, and freeze things that you won’t be using immediately. However, as like before, if you never intended to purchase said product in the first place, do not be fooled by their dazzling cuts. That’s how the monsters trick you. Move on.

Another important defense you need to become aware of, is that brand names cost more because you are paying for the logo and the packaging. The few extra quid you pay them goes directly onto their advertising, which is the only reason you know of them in the first place. You are literally paying them to convince you to buy their products, which makes no sense. Now, I appreciate pride plays a part and it’s always slightly embarrassing when you have guests over for dinner and you whip out a no name mushroom sauce to feed their pompous mouths with, but if you do a bit of research, you’ll often find that what’s inside the box ... is exactly the same no matter what’s on the outside. It is even likely that the products were made in the exact same factories, packaged differently, and shipped off to be labelled at completely different prices. You can shave off pound after pound per each purchase by avoiding the fancy colours, and that’s where the magic in this step lies.

A TALE FROM THE ADVENTURES OF JARED
I have a great story which illustrates this even better, sit down, bitch, be humble.
I adore Uncle Ben's rice. ADORE. For those of you who don’t know, these yummy offerings are packets of rice that come in all sorts of amazingly tasty flavours, which cook in just two minutes and then you’re super happy and everyone is impressed. I used to buy a few every week and felt no shame.
The only problem is that they (currently) cost £1.69 per 250g, which is supposed to be two servings, but I used to eat that shit one shot because I have the metabolism of a gazelle.
However, once I started my ninja money training, I began to realise this was probably not the smartest attack in the greater scheme of richness. I found out that normal Tesco brand Everyday Value plain long grain rice was £0.45 for 1kg. That works out to 11p for 250g, which is £1.58 cheaper than what my uncle was offering. So let’s say for argument sake I ate exactly 250g a week (I eat loads more than that, by the way), that would mean a savings of £82.16 a year. ON FUCKING RICE!!
So, yes, it takes a bit longer to cook. And, yes, it doesn’t ever taste as good. But just for shits and giggles, I did a little check, and for that price (as I type this) I could fly return to Lisbon, spend a night in a dodgy hostel and buy a beer without even touching my bank account because I ate some rice that was a bit plainer. Do you think I would be mourning Uncle Ben’s? Do you think I'd be thinking about rice at all? Hell no, I'd be Lisbon.

There are plenty of other systems in which you can collect up your coins to build a wall. Looking out for coupons is a great start. Another is to check if your local favourite grocery (or any) store offers a rewards card, and sign up right now, before you even finish reading this article. Every time you buy something, you essentially get the tiniest portion known to the whole universe back. It may seem pathetic at first, but if you use it enough, you often receive some free shit at the end of each month, or even offers to make more points, which definitely adds up. I usually get at least one free lunch out of this a month, and it’s a good day every time.

In a similar blood stream, I only recently realised that I've been a complete moron because I'd never used cashback websites. Stupid! Believe it or not, there are sites that literally pay you money for buying something you were going to buy anyway. It completely depends on what you’re looking for, but in my case, in one month I bought a couple of books, some vinyl, and a rubbish bin—all things I was going to buy regardless—and I got just under £5 back. I checked Amazon (which I always urge you to do matter what), and the prices were identical, except I got paid by going elsewhere. One of the shops even allowed me to order a book to a branch of their store, which I did, and picked it up on my way home from work, saving about £2 on shipping. Which all adds up to a really nice free lunch! There are various cashback websites to choose from, but the one I use is obviously for the UK, called TopCashBack. I get additional money if I refer a friend, so if you’re feeling kind and grateful for all of this free advice I’m giving you, a nice way you could return the favour would be to sign up through my personal link here? Thank you! You won’t regret it! I love you!

Another great way to pinch pennies is to literally pinch pennies. My method is this: any change I get below 50p, goes straight into a little money box, forgotten about, making friends. I don’t even think about or even miss them, because as singular units, they are rather useless. But maybe once every four months or so, a big bill might fuck me or I simply must get on a plane, which leaves all my budgets under serious threat. That’s when I bust out the box, take the contents to one of those coins to cash machines, and watch as them clangy bits of copper get spat out as real paper moneys. I’m talking probably about £40 or more every time I do this, which if you’re desperate enough, could pay for your lunch every day for the whole month maybe.

Finally, speaking of lunches, do you take your own into work? I can't even tell you how much money I save by doing this. It’s one of those things everyone tells you to do, but damn, the amount of quids you can shave off this way is forceful. Make extra food at dinner, and that’s you sorted. I often put together a massive pasta or rice dish that lasts me days. It’s really down to what’s more important to you: taste variation or money. My guests don't let me feed them anymore.


Step #7: Stashing Your Riches

In some meandering way, this step is the heart of the whole approach here. Because the most important thing to remember above all else, is that this scripture is about saving money. The previous steps gave a grand guided adventure through the forest of obtaining more coinage to shove into your pockets, but if you are a fool who carelessly treats this additional power as merely a larger source of expendable income to go into circulation, you will very quickly grow comfortable within spending that dough as fast as your last stream of revenue, and then you’ll be back to the first square. In fact, it’ll be an even worse consequence than that, because you would have exhausted every attack I have taught you, and it will be very difficult to get that back.

The magic move here is this: once all debts are gone, every cent of money you’ve managed to save from this article should be put away. The reason is because your life will remain exactly the same, but your special nest egg will only continue to grow. As you put these ideas into practice, you should get into the habit of taking note of how much additional cash you have managed to avoid spending, and that amount should be exactly how much you are putting away. It doesn’t matter whether you are saving towards a goal or if you just like to look at big numbered statements, the whole very purpose of your mission is to learn to hang on to it. Which brings us to the unfortunate truth: the best way to create a sturdy structure for your empire is to utilise the corporate banking system. This is because, if you play them right, you can get even more money for your money.

For the most part, this whole step has only been included in order to create a full body of resource, but most of this information will not be news to you. However, on the off-chance I am writing these words for an eight-year-old, there is a thing called an APR (annual percentage rate) which is how much interest (money) a bank will give you (or take away from you, in the case of debt) based on how much cash you have (or don’t have) chilling in your account. Now, I could sit here and list which companies offer what, but that would run the risk of damaging this article's timelessness or international appeal, as all the confusing combinations and weird laws come and go and change at such an alarming rate that it would be a full-time job keeping this text relevant, and I'm not willing to do that. Instead, I leave it up to you to research your own local banks with the one mission in mind: who is offering the best deal?

However, there are some factors which completely depend on your circumstances that should help you make the best decision. Here are some pointers you should consider on your search:

If you do not need your money instantaneously because you are saving up for a rainy day or something massive, the best bang for your buck will always be a Fixed Savings Account. These will only allow you to access your cashish after a certain of period of time, but they always come with a much more delicious APR.
If you want your money to be ready whenever, you will probably find yourself considering just a regular savings account, because they have the word “savings” in it. But then again, there is always the chance that your current account actually offers a much higher APR, which is often the case right now in the UK. Worth a look.
And finally, if you think the bank you are using are actually using you, it could be in your best interest (geddit?) to look out for another bank that not only offers a better APR, but also offers you other stuff as well. Some banks will actually pay you to switch to them, which is like taking free money from the money machine's mouth. That said, be verrrry careful of nasty penalty charges which may occur when the bank you have abandoned grows bitter from the rejection and strikes out with its angry hand.

The most difficult aspect of all of this, is how abundant the amount of information is out there. It can be very overwhelming and scary because it’s been designed that way to keep you confused and ignorant. However, there is a trick to learn everything you need to know from the people who know it all, and it won’t cost a dime. Simply go into any bank, tell them you’re looking for a place to keep your money with the best APR, and they will gleefully sit you down and go through what they offer. You might even get a free cup of tea with it, who knows? They will answer any questions you have, they will explain everything in a language you understand, they will even desperately list the ways in which they are better than any competitor you name, and then when it comes time to sign on the dotted line... DO NOT SIGN ON THE DOTTED LINE. Politely tell them you are 100% interested in this deal, but you simply cannot make the decision before talking to your husband/wife/dog/cheese sandwich first. Shake their hand and be on your way to further your research armed with a brand new set of understandings, free from the manipulations that they are trained to rain down upon you. Do not feel bad, for while these are people and we must love all people, by profession, bankers are the human disciples of financial demons. And if you do what they say, they will take a cut of whatever you agreed to.

Great! So now that you’ve armed your mind with protective gear, get ready for the real kick in the head: unless you’re already really rich (and I doubt that, because here you are), the money you’re going to make from interest is never going to be astounding. If you have £1000 saved at a (somewhat UK average) 1% APR, you’re looking at £120 a year, which is awesome free money, don't get me wrong, and hugely worth your while exploring, but it also relies on so many other boring factors (Are you leaving your money alone? Does your account actually offer as much as 1%, because many don't?). However, what can often equate to much more beneficial outcomes, is the hidden little gems your bank can offer you. They are normally very proud of these things and every bank has them, so go to their website and take a look. It might be deals on purchases, or cash back options, or even free money, all ready for you right now while you’re sitting there letting it slip through your fingers like sand.

A TALE FROM THE ADVENTURES OF JARED
A good example of this would be when I discovered an interesting offer from Barclays Bank, so strange to me that at first I didn’t really believe it was true.
If you have a current account with some direct debits going out of it (which most people do), they can set you up a separate account called Blue Rewards. What this account does, is automatically takes £3 from your current account every month and then puts it into itself, along with an additional £4 from the bank.
If you work that out, it’s £48 free money from the bank every year. Then if you consider it with the additional £3 from your account that you won’t even notice is gone, you can end up with £84 a year in an account for no real reason.
I can’t tell you how many times it’s been the day before payday and someone wants to go out drinking and then I suddenly remember this magic account I have. I tap my phone a few times in the right spots, and the money is instantaneously in my account. Voodoo shit that is.
I’ve told people who have Barclays accounts about this before, and they had no idea it existed. Ever wonder what else you might be missing out on?

I want to end off by acknowledging that we are all human, for the most part. There will come days of desperation that for whatever reason, you will simply be forced to dip into your savings. As an occasional measure, that is actually ok, because that’s what it’s there for. But for the love of Money, keep track of what you have stolen from yourself and make it your next priority to pay it back in full along with whatever your other monthly amount is by this point. Because we want to be rich one day, yeah?


Step #8: Pillaging Your Job

This step is primarily pointed out for those of you who are currently employed permanently, usually in a company, the bigger the better. If you are self employed or unemployed or contracting or freelancing, you could probably skip along passed this section quite happily without losing too much valuable advice, even if it pains me. But for everyone else who is caught in the miserable 9-5 rat race of the corporate world, there are methods you can use to wring your job for every penny you’re worth.

To get this done requires a bit of action on your part as I can’t do everything for you. Read your contract. Read the company’s handbook, if they have one. Speak to your colleagues or HR, any resource you can find, with one question on your mind: what can they do for me? Because, much like anything, jobs usually offer some perks to their committed employees, and it is your duty to suckle on every teat until they run dry.

The most obvious and popular scheme you will find, is the pension. Even if your job doesn’t offer one, you should consider starting one up independently, because by contributing even just a small % of your monthly salary and forgetting about it, it will only grow, duh. In my opinion, the best pensions are what they call "Lifestyle Funds" in the UK, because they will automatically be invested in stocks and bonds which directly correlate to your age—a higher risk when you’re younger and a lower risk when you’re older—which makes perfect sense and also means that when you do eventually retire, you will be able to buy all sorts of lunches with it. However, what makes your job involvement so special is the common practice of today’s companies matching what you put away, within reason. Do not fuck around. Max this opportunity out to the nth degree with everything you can muster. If they match 3%, put 3% away. If they match 5%, put 5% away. If they match 20%, put 20% away, if you can. Do whatever is in your power without breaking the bank. Because if there ever was such an idea as free money—especially a substantial amount of money—this is it.

Let’s do some maths! The average salary in the UK is £27,271 a year. That about £1,803 a month after tax. If you put away 5% of that, that’s £54.09 a month. If your company matches it, that’s £108.18 a month. That’s £1,298.16 a year. That’s £12,981.60 after 10 years. Say you retire in 30 years, then you’ll find yourself with a cool £51,926.4. And that doesn’t even include whatever interest you are earning along the way, which I imagine is a lot, I don't know. Basically, double your fucking savings, just like that. Look after your older self.

But the treats from your company may not even end there. Savings on groceries, special gym membership deals, medical aid, dentist bills, tickets to things, gift vouchers... don’t ask, and you’ll never know.

A TALE FROM THE ADVENTURES OF JARED
Something pretty cool happened when I was writing that last line.
I remembered that I had signed up to a Health Plan at my work which covered all sorts of medical bills, and I hadn't looked at it for a while.
So I double checked my package, noticed my contact lenses were included, sent off a receipt and got £100 dropped into my account after a few days. POW!
It's almost like I got paid for writing this article after all!

Of course, the whole “job thing” is a two way street, and when it comes to employment, you are still getting paid to do something, which may leave you a little low on the ladder without too much weight to throw around. That said, you are still an important snowflake, and the more your company knows this, the better your cash situation can get.

Here is the main thing you need to understand. Pretty much everyone’s job description is exactly the same, and it reads it this: Make Your Boss’ Life Easier. If you focus on this primarily, it won’t take long before your role becomes more crucial, or even indispensable. Get your work done to a good standard, volunteer to help whenever you can, and then keep a diary of everything you did right, because you are going to use it for your advantage later.

Later, as in right now. You should demand a salary review/appraisal at least once a year. Use your list of amazing achievements as ammunition. Check salary comparison sites to see if you’re even earning what you should be earning for additional firepower. And then blast them (nicely) with everything you got, fearlessly asking for an increase way beyond your wildest dreams, so that even if they only meet you halfway, you’re still a fucking spaceman.

If this all works in your favour and you get a raise, here is the true golden key: as with everything, you are already surviving without it. So any additional money placed into your bank account should not be spent, otherwise you’ll eventually begin to live within those newfound means again, and you'll have no idea where that raise even went. Instead, take the newly granted excess and put it away, watching it grow like a baby made out of dollar signs.

If this doesn’t work in your favour, however, and your company refuses to play ball, then I can only recommend that it’s time to pack your bags and say bye bye. Start by spending 10 - 30 minutes every day working on your portfolio, writing your CV, refining your cover letters, and sending them around. With a little determination and research, you should find yourself in a much happier place that pays you a substantial amount more, and that’s when you’ll find that being valued and respected is the most important thing there is.


Step #9: Not All Cards Were Created Equal

And now we get into the more higher grade side of this article, so please, do not even attempt to venture down this road until you have extensively travelled those that came before and you are absolutely prepared for it, because with great power comes great responsibility, and without the proper care, this move could very well topple on top you and then crush your pretty little skull with the rubble of immovable debt.

This step is all about bringing them evil credit cards back into the game, but rather than viewing them as the weighty logs we did in Step #1, we shall be sharpening them into weapons for our own gain. How to do this is to locate a credit card which rewards your spending. Do not even concern yourself with the interest rate here either, because sometimes the worse it appears on paper, the better the prizes can be at the end. Use your google machine and unravel a card that offers you something you could make use of—whether it be flight points (like me!), groceries, or even cashback—and then apply. It can be fairly insane what these guys will offer you for absolutely no money, so take a look around and take your time.

Once you’ve managed to convince a credit card company to agree with you and send you the card of your desires, the object is to use it for literally anything that doesn’t charge you for its use. Any direct bills you can set up to be paid from here? Any online purchases on the horizon? These are the scenarios where your card becomes the go-to numbers to punch in.

JUST A TIP
Never draw cash out of a machine with a credit card, they will charge you lots of money and sadness to do so.

BUT HERE IS THE THING YOU SIMPLY CANNOT FUCK WITH: every time you make one of these purchases, move money from your current account into a different account (whichever one has the highest APR benefits for extra score) as if you were paying for these things from your current account anyway. This will not only help you keep track of what your credit card’s damage is looking like, but you will also run no risk of accidentally spending that money, rather keeping it safe for you to summon later. And summon it, you shall! When your monthly credit card payment is due, you draw that money out and pay off whatever credit debt you’ve racked up IN FULL. Anything not paid will be charged interest, and you lose money. And if you miss a payment, may the gods be with you, because you are about to brutally attacked by the most vicious of APR monsters you’ve ever faced, complete with penalty spells and a black marker to scribble all over your credit rating. However, if you follow my instructions to the letter and have cleaned up the debt in good time by using the money you’ve already put aside for it, you are charged nothing whatsoever. What’s more, you will reap whatever rewards your card initially promised you. Which. Is. Free. Stuff.

And, of course, this naturally does wonderful things for your credit rating. Before you know it, you’ll have credit card companies literally drooling at your feet, any card you like just an application away, potentially with even better rewards? Unlikely. Either way though, perhaps this is the moment you can say you’ve truly won the battle? Haha, just kidding, you can never win this battle, we will all be slaves to the capitalist system until we die, but you know what I mean.

JUST A TIP
As a rule, you almost always want to refuse those cards they send you in the mail though. I don't even understand the point them, their APRs and rewards are always rubbish, and you just know they are hiding some very vicious hooks at the best of times.

While we’re talking about credit ratings, I do understand that some of you may have fucked yours up so badly that no company would dare touch your leper reputation, and you can see no easy way to play this step, which is a shame. However, there are ways to slowly fix this. Check out these dudes called Credit Building/Repair Cards which are designed to do just that—repair a tattered rating. Grab one of those, use it sparingly, pay it off in full every month, and your blacklist should gradually start to grow more grey. You can also improve your overall score by getting on the electoral role, not moving house too often, or even getting married, which may not be the best reason to do so, but I know some people who got married for worse reasons. If you are curious to know what your credit score is right now, I’ve heard via the vine that Experian (UK only, soz) lets you request one for free now without damaging your score, which is usually a concern. But whatever cautious means you use to find out your worth, you should always keep in mind that there is no such thing as one big black credit rating ether that potential lenders can dip in to and out from. Every single place will do their checks with their own parameters, no two credit scores will judge you equally, so do not fear too much if one place tells you that you're buggered, but maybe still fear it a little bit. Regardless, it’s still a good thing to do, because sometimes your rating may have taken a hit due to some incorrect details, and simply by updating someone’s database, you can become a more stable entity.

Ok, so we’ve looked at little ways to get little things, but what if you want something big and you want it NOW!? Well, once again, if executed with respect, credit cards can come to the rescue as a valuable ally rather than the cursed plague some of us recognise them as. You see, in the olden days, if you wanted something expensive, you’d save up for it, but this can come with a risk where, by the time you’ve finally got enough money, the price has only increased massively (read: flights!). Rather, we can now do the whole process backwards, pay for it now whilst it’s cheap, and then “save up” by paying it off in exactly the same manner. There are so many credit card companies offering purchase cards with 0% interest for months upon months as an introductory offer, and so if you pay it off bit by bit ENSURING you pay it ALL off before the 0% APR runs out, you have been charged no excess whatsoever. A total free loan. Never pay interest on anything ever. Excellent.

And once that free period runs out? Get rid of the card. Call them up. Cancel it (always!). Cut it in half. Find a new one. Start again. Credit rating on steroids right here. Just play safe, kids.

I want to end off by driving the point as hard as I can that not all cards are created equal, and there is one card above all else that you must NEVER EVER TOUCH, otherwise your skin will go scaly, you will age much faster, and you stand to lose so much money it will make your mother faint. And these are called Store Cards. Legend tells us that they were once fused by the devil himself, disguised much like your run of the mill credit card, except only used in the specific store offering them. They often try seduce you with an introductory offer which will grant a discount off of your first purchase (which isn’t something I’m totally opposed, just so long as you ONLY EVER USE IT FOR THAT OFFER), followed by an interest rate so big that it makes your average credit card look like a petty pickpocket. It may create the illusion that you’re walking into your favourite store and purchasing whatever you fancy with just the tap of a card, all cool like, but behind the scenes in Hell, they are charging you up to 30% interest you don’t pay it off immediately. That's pretty much worse than anything, they should be illegal. Avoid these with the strength of the bear.


Step #10: Choose Your Own Adventure

This may be dubbed the 10th and final step, but it isn’t really a step whatsoever, rather me giving you my blessing and wishing you well on whatever you choose your next steps to be. You have listened well, and I am confident that you will use your new found knowledge for good rather than evil as you dance along your own way.

Perhaps you have been inspired to keep the momentum running, and if this is the case, you may want to consider the trip into stocks and bonds, but that is a whole different ball game which we won't be playing now. Perhaps you are looking to get a mortgage or find a faster way out of one, and then I can only hope the tools I have provided you with here, will provide the blueprint for the stairs you build. Or perhaps you are more like me, a simple human with simple tastes, aching only to jump on a plane and fly far far away. Whatever happens next is now in your capable hands, but if I could leave you with one last potent bit of advice, it is this: no matter what you decide to save money towards, someone has walked this road before you, more than likely been completely violated by horrific monsters along the way, and as a result, have found the most painless and cheapest method of getting there. The information available to us right now is endless, and the sooner you get in the habit of googling every money move you make before you make it, the sooner you will smile every time the ATM spits your receipt at you.

JUST A TIP
Some quick travel bits while we’re here (and I have nowhere else to put them)
Don’t use travel agents, they take a cut.
Packaged holidays usually mean cheaper flights even if you don’t use the hotel included.
Always order your currency online before you travel.
Use local currency when you draw cash in a foreign country because different places make up different exchange rates.

And eventually, there will come a day when this blog will be of no more use to you. You may find you have run out of idea steam and have oiled and tightened up your machine so well that you actually have become sick of the whole process. That’s where I am at now. Money is no longer a burden or a scarce resource, but an automated set of mechanics that hold together independently and are always doing their best to turn a profit out of everything. And that’s why I got off the horse here, and feel no massive urge to take my journey any further (for now). Perhaps your breaking point will be before mine, or perhaps much further on, but whichever way you go, I wish you nothing but the best of luck at becoming the financial wizard you were always meant to be, Harry. And who knows? Maybe these 10 steps are only the beginning...

JUST A TIP
Spend your money on cool shit, and you will never regret a thing.


Thursday 27 July 2017

50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence

Back in 1817, French author Stendhal visited the Basilica of Santa Croce and was overcome by dizziness, confusion, heart palpitations, and even hallucinations. Since then, Stendhal Syndrome has become a term used to describe any disorders one may experience when viewing a particularly stimulating piece of art. Similarly, fans of mid-1800s Hungarian composer Franz Liszt were so hysterical in his presence, that the term Lisztomania was coined to help define this peculiar psychosomatic phenomenon—an unprecedented reaction to a celebrity at the time. Of course, these days such examples as Beatlemania or Bieber Fever are so commonplace in our society, that the idea of losing one's mind to a celebrity and/or their art is casually brushed off as nothing but a fanatic fad. However, the point still stands: the entertainment industry can be very unhealthy.

And that brings us onto this list. Fifty (often tragic) stories that inspired troubled minds to pursue wrongful acts in the worst of directions, undeniably linked to one form of artistic output or another. Defend our freedom of speech and expression of creativity if you want. Or you can oppose the increasing vulgarity of our entertainment industry as a potentially damaging intrusion on weaker personalities. But as this battle of morals continues, one argument none of us can disagree with is that the TV is teaching our children some messed up things, and the only way to truly ensure your safety is to never leave the house again.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 50. The Twilight Saga

50. The Twilight Saga (Film Series, 2008 - 2012)

Iowa, USA, 2009
Let's kick this list off as softly as possible, with one unnamed 13-year-old boy who was so moved by the Twilight Saga that he went around biting his school mates like a cheeky little vampire. 11 in total reported the violation and the child was given a delayed referral to a juvenile court on an assault charge, to which his father stated that his son “meant no harm” and had got a bit too “carried away” when he watched the films. I agree!


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 49. Child’s Play 3

49. Child’s Play 3 (Film, 1991)

Merseyside, England, 1993
Although the connection was never confirmed, many blamed a scene in Child’s Play 3 for what happened to two-year-old James Bulger. Remember when Chucky was splashed with blue paint? That’s what 10-year-olds Robert Thompson and Jon Venables did to victim James. In his eyes. They then went on to kick him, throw bricks at him, stick batteries into his mouth and anus, and then finally dropped a 10 kilo iron bar onto his head. The toddler suffered 42 nauseating injuries in total, making the fatal blow indeterminable and even irrelevant as the boys were locked up for a mere 10 years due to their age group. This incident led to some new legislative clarification for films and their availability to minors, which is one good thing to come out of this at least.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 48. 13 Reasons Why

48. 13 Reasons Why (TV Series, 2017)

Arequipa, Peru, 2017
In a move that so many worried parents had previously predicted, the most recent event on this list came when Franco Alonso Lazo yelled that he couldn’t “stand a heartbreak”, as he jumped from his fourth story apartment balcony, dying from his injuries a few hours later. He recorded audio files on his computer, addressed to (and blaming) specific individuals who he felt were responsible for his suicide, and while the connection to 13 Reasons Why was never explicitly stated, it all seems eerily obvious to anyone who has watched the show. Even more unsettling is how many schools and media outlets got to say “I told you so,” while the rest of us fear that this won’t be the last of the practice.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 47. Gears of War 3

47. Gears of War 3 (Video Game, 2011)

Clydebank, Scotland, 2012
After getting into an argument whilst playing the 18-rated Gears of War 3 game, an undisclosed 13-year-old boy slashed his friend’s throat with a knife, casually instructed “don’t die” as he walked away. The injury was so severe that it required 20 staples to close the windpipe, and the incident provoked the public to beg for a second look into smarter ways to prevent children from playing adult-rated games. Personally, I think we should take a third look. As many looks as it takes, really.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 46. Duke Nukem 3D

46. Duke Nukem 3D (Video Game, 1996)

São Paulo, Brazil, 1999
According to his lawyers, Mateus da Costa Meira suffered from hallucinations, heard nonexistent voices, and played Duke Nukem 3D non-stop, all of which should have been enough for the court to forgive the man after he fired a 9mm submachine gun into a cinema audience, killing three and injuring four. However, the court were having none of it, and sentenced Meira to more than 120 years and six months in prison, which basically means forever.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 45. Fifty Shades of Grey

45. Fifty Shades of Grey (Film, 2015)

Illinois, USA, 2015
In one of the more recent examples on this list, Mohammad Hossain admitted to the court that he was re-enacting a Fifty Shades of Grey scene when he bound the hands and legs of a woman, shoved a necktie in her mouth, and beat her with a belt, all the while continuously sexually assaulting her for an undisclosed amount of time. However, despite the victim stating that she had begged him to stop, Hossain was adamant that the act was consensual, as the two had been intimate before. And he won. Cleared of all charges. Which doesn’t seem particularly fair to me, but what do I know? I wasn’t there.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 44. GoldenEye 007

44. GoldenEye 007 (Video Game, 1997)

Arkansas, USA, 1998
Here we have among the youngest people to have ever been charged with mass murder: 13-year-old Mitchell Johnson and 11-year-old Andrew Golden, who were responsible for the Westside Middle School massacre, an attack where they shot and killed four students, one teacher, and injured ten others in the deadliest bloodbath at an American middle school. Due to their youth, they were each sentenced to confinement until the age of 21, a ruling that lead to a public outcry for harsher juvenile sentencing, which made even more sense when both individuals were arrested after their release, again for gun-related issues. However, it was only post-Columbine High School massacre that the case was reinvestigated in a new light, and here it was discovered that the pair had often played GoldenEye 007 together, which may or may not have contributed to their actions.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 43. Manhunt

43. Manhunt (Video Game, 2003)

Leicestershire, England, 2004
Marketed as a violent “psychological experience” rather than video game, this executioner simulation piece was perhaps the final blur needed for Warren Leblanc’s reality to fall over. He repeatedly stabbed and beat his 14-year-old friend Stefan Pakeerah in the head with a hammer, a crime so brutal that Leblanc received a life sentence immediately after pleading guilty. The victim’s mother claimed that she’d heard Leblanc confess his obsession for the game, which was further demonstrated when a copy of Manhunt was confiscated as evidence from Warren’s bedroom.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 42. Kill Bill: Volume 1

42. Kill Bill: Volume 1 (Film, 2003)

Leicestershire, England, 2006
Whilst drinking heavily and watching Kill Bill, Sean Wilson and his schoolboy friend decided that they’d had enough of Wilson’s mentally ill “nuisance” neighbour, Joanne Butler. So they beat her sleeping body with a sock filled with stones, a metal bar, and then an axe, until she was dead. They then stabbed the body once just to make sure, set the flat on fire, and filmed the blaze from their mobile phones. Wilson went directly to jail for this, do not pass go, do not collect $200, for the rest of his life.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 41. Marilyn Manson - Antichrist Superstar

41. Marilyn Manson - Antichrist Superstar (Album, 1996)

Multiple Incidents
Whilst Marilyn Manson’s unfair position as the primary scapegoat for the Columbine shootings has been widely disputed, his leadership into the darkness has still come with some heavy side effects. For example, 14-year-old Asa Coon (Ohio, USA, 2007) shot four people before committing suicide whilst wearing a Marilyn Manson shirt. 15-year-old Justin Doucet’s (Louisiana, USA, 2009) dedication, however, was much more telling, as he commanded his seventh grade teacher to say “Hail Marilyn Manson”, and when she refused to comply, he fired two shots at her, missed both times, and then shot himself dead. And while neither of these incidents can be exclusively accredited to Antichrist Superstar, this piece remains Manson’s most popular and highest selling album (seven million worldwide), making it one very dangerous guide for lost children looking for answers in all the wrong places.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 40. The Dark Knight Rises

40. The Dark Knight Rises (Film, 2012)

Colorado, USA, 2012
I’m sure we all remember James Eagan Holmes. He was that guy who dyed his hair red and shot up a cinema screening of The Dark Knight Rises, killing 12 people and injuring around 70 others. Due to his eccentric appearance and choice of film, frantic rumours multiplied, some claiming that Holmes called himself “the Joker”, and others reporting that his house was full of Batman merchandise, although none of this was ever confirmed. Regardless, the shooting still totals with the third largest amount of casualties in any US shooting, and the deadliest in Colorado since the Columbine High School massacre, which left James Eagan Holmes with a whopping 12 life sentences for the deceased, plus an additional 3,318 years for the wounded and potential wounded from his rigged apartment. Following this tragedy, tensions were high at every Dark Knight show, with various arrests over fake gun and bomb threats taking place, even if thankfully none of these turned out to be anything but mass hysteria plaguing America.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 39. Interview With the Vampire

39. Interview With the Vampire (Film, 1994)

San Francisco, USA, 1994
After watching this vampire film and then going to bed, Lisa Stellwagen awoke to find her boyfriend Daniel Sterling staring at her. When she asked him what was the matter, Sterling responded “I’m going to kill you and drink your blood”. He gave it a good go, stabbing Stellwagen and sucking on her wounds until, in desperation, she fearfully warned him that her death would result in a prison sentence. This reminder did manage to stop Sterling’s wrongdoing, but he still went to jail anyway, facing potential life imprisonment, all the way telling police “I was influenced by the movie. I enjoyed the movie. But I cannot sit here and blame the movie.”


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 38. Sons of Anarchy

38. Sons of Anarchy (TV Series, 2008 - 2014)

Florida, USA, 2012
It didn't take many episodes of the Sons of Anarchy TV series to give Maynard Kenneth Godwin the bright idea of starting his own gang called “The Guardians”, and the crazy guy actually pulled it off too. With the help of his friends, he sold drugs, stole hundreds of thousands of dollars worth in jewelry and guns, and even once beat a man near to death because he had paid for his rent with counterfeit money. This behaviour resulted in “The Boss” getting 30 years in prison, while his club mates were not far behind. Behind bars, that is.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 37. Björk  - Debut

37. Björk - Debut (Album, 1993)

Florida, USA, 1996
Although one could never blame this album directly, Ricardo López’s obsession with Björk took flight soon after her Debut release. His fanatical fixation has been well documented thanks to an 803 page diary dedicated to the Icelandic singer, as well as 22 hours of video footage where his erratic fantasies became increasingly dangerous, including one where he believed he could time travel to the 1970s and make friends with her. These delusions all came to a shattered end when he mailed a letter bomb to Björk and then shot himself dead through the mouth on film “to meet her in heaven”. Thankfully, said bomb was intercepted and defused by police, but Björk was still understandably “very distressed” by the incident.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 36. Halo 3

36. Halo 3 (Video Game, 2007)

Ohio, USA, 2007
After a skiing injury, Daniel Petric was housebound and passed the boring time by playing Halo 3 continuously, sometimes for up to 18 hours without any breaks. His concerned parents had already forbidden the game in the house, and when they found a copy in the boy's possession, they confiscated it, unaware that Daniel could no longer comprehend the difference between video game and real life deaths. He retrieved his father’s gun, shot both of his parent’s point blank, and attempted to cover it up as his dad’s own murder suicide. No such luck, Daniel, as the judge sentenced him to life in prison, with the possibility of parole in 23 years due to his young age of 16.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 35. U2 - Exit

35. U2 - Exit (Song, 1987)

Arizona, USA, 1989
Model/actress Rebecca Schaeffer had her promising career cut short when stalker Robert John Bardo shot and killed her after concluding that she had lost her innocence due to a love scene in Scenes from the Class Struggle in Beverly Hills. His lawyer fervently defended that it was U2’s song Exit which had influenced his actions, due to its lyrical themes portraying the mind of a serial killer. When the track was played to the court, the usually motionless Bardo reportedly sprang to life, grinning, slapping his knee, and mouthing the lyrics. Horrible, but not enough to shift the blame, as Robert was convicted of first-degree murder, and is still serving his life sentence today.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 34. Mortal Kombat

34. Mortal Kombat (Video Game Franchise, 1992 - 2016)

Multiple Incidents
No surprises here that one of the most controversial video game developments of all time came with its fair share of life imitations. Yancy Salazar stabbed Noah Wilson in the chest with a kitchen knife (Connecticut, USA, 1997), a murder that prompted the victim’s mother to take Midway Games to court, citing that Salazar was mimicking a fatality of character Cyrax. In the end, no such Cyrax fatality even existed, and she lost the case. Elsewhere (Colorado, USA, 2007), a drunk Heather Trujillo and her equally drunk martial artist boyfriend, Lamar Roberts, acted out some MK moves on her seven-year-old sister, Zoe Garcia. After breaking her wrist, beating blood from her neck muscles, and tearing skin near her tongue, tiny Zoe stopped moving. The duo thought she was faking her death, and so they cracked a raw egg in her mouth, watched it slide down her throat, and realised that they had indeed killed her. Heather got six years while Mortal Kombat marches on.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 33. Neon Genesis Evangelion

33. Neon Genesis Evangelion (Anime Series, 1995 - 1996)

Yamagata Prefecture, Japan, 2003
When Hiroyuki Tsuchida finished watching Neon Genesis Evangelion, he naturally came to the realisation that “the ultimate conclusion of human evolution is ruin” and all people needed to be eliminated. In order to desensitise himself to the killings, he opted to begin with his own mother, who he beat to death with a baseball bat. And that’s as far as he got, as he was caught soon afterwards and received 14 years in prison, which is hopefully enough time for him to get his act together.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 32. Defiance

32. Defiance (Film, 1980)

California, USA, 1982
In a classic type of love tale, Arthur Richard Jackson watched Defiance, fell in love with actress Theresa Saldana, stalked her down, and then stabbed her ten times in broad daylight, so forcefully that the knife bent. Miraculously, Saldana recovered and Jackson spent the rest of his life bouncing around prisons and psychiatric hospitals, continuously making further threats towards Saldana’s life until he died himself in 2004 whilst incarcerated. Interestingly enough, his methods of celebrity attack were a big inspiration to Robert John Bardo and that Rebecca Schaeffer murder story, one we’ve already covered in item #35 of this list.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 31. Metallica - Ronnie

31. Metallica - Ronnie (Song, 1996)

New Jersey , USA, 2004
The song Ronnie tells the story of an emotionless child who shot up his town, and that was all the encouragement Ronald Pituch needed, claiming this Metallica composition inspired him to bludgeon his mother to death with a barbell, then killing a random 11-year-old boy with a knife shortly afterwards. He may have been a paranoid schizophrenic who refused to take his meds, as well as the self-proclaimed “son of Satan”, but the court decided 50 years behind bars was the best place for Ronnie.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 30. Nightmare on Elm Street

30. Nightmare on Elm Street (Film, 1984)

London, UK, 2004
Daniel Gonzalez earned the nickname as the “Freddy Krueger Killer” due to the letters he wrote to his alter ego “Zippy”, comparing himself to the Nightmare on Elm Street monster, and stating that his stabbing of four random victims to death was “orgasmic” and "one of the best things I've done in my life". He was discovered naked and covered in blood, arrested, and became a heated topic of debate due to his various illnesses that the NHS reportedly did not approach correctly, including bouts of schizophrenia and a severe drug addiction. His mother even once asked "does my son have to commit murder to get help?" but these pleas fell on deaf ears, and he was given six life sentences. After the trial, Gonzalez initially failed to kill himself by biting through an artery in his arm, but eventually succeeded by slicing his wrists apart with broken CD cases. Yeech, talk about dedication.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 29. 2Pac - Soulja's Story

29. 2Pac - Soulja's Story (Song, 1991)

Multiple Incidents
As one would expect from any 2Pac inspired crime, these stories extended from an animosity towards the police force, especially when looking at a song like Soulja’s Story which illustrates the struggle of a young black male who shot a cop. When Ronald Ray Howard (Texas, USA, 1992) fired upon and killed a Texas Highway Patrol Trooper, these were the sounds on his headphones, the last song he heard before being arrested and ultimately sentenced to death. Similarly, Curtis Walker (Wisconsin, USA, 1993) and a nameless friend blamed a 2Pac inspiration when they shot a policeman with a sniper rifle, and each ended with a life sentence. It was a stupid idea to begin with.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 28. Ozzy Osbourne - Bark to the Moon

28. Ozzy Osbourne - Bark to the Moon (Album, 1983)

Canada, 1983
No one listened to James Jollimore when he warned them that Ozzy’s Bark at the Moon made him feel “strange inside”, until New Year's eve 1983 when he put the album on and then promptly went outside to stab a woman and her two sons to death. He was charged with first-degree murder whilst Ozzy added the incident to his list of troubles, as not long before, he had faced accusations that his song Suicide Solution had driven another fan to kill himself. Thankfully, Ozzy’s reality TV show a couple of decades later stopped everyone from taking him so seriously.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 27. Saw VI

27. Saw VI (Film, 2009)

London, UK, 2012
I might be wrong, but I feel like it’s safe to primarily blame Matthew Tinling’s crack cocaine addiction for stabbing his flatmate 17 times to death in an attempt to get a pin number, but his idea to chop through the victim’s spine was recognised by the court as a direct imitation of Saw VI, a Hollywood torture film found in Tinling’s room. This merciless action got Matthew locked up for at least 30 years, but potentially the most surprising aspect of this story was that a film as bad as Saw VI managed to inspire anyone to do anything.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 26. RoboCop

26. RoboCop 2 (Film, 1990)

New York, USA, 1991-1992
Serial killer Nathaniel White was sentenced to 150 years after being found guilty of beating and stabbing six women to death whilst on parole. His statement included the chilling confession that “the first girl I killed was from a RoboCop movie... I seen him cut somebody’s throat then take the knife and slit down the chest to the stomach and left the body in a certain position. With the first person I killed I did exactly what I saw in the movie." That’s an undeniable direct influence if there ever was one.

50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 25. Death Note

25. Death Note (Manga Series, 2003 - 2006)

Brussels, Belgium, 2007
Death Note tells the story of a supernatural notebook which grants the user the ability to murder anyone whose name is written in it, and that was enough of an exciting concept for Sidi Mohamed Atir, Abdessamad Azmi, and Zacharia Benaissa to mutilate and cut up a man so viciously that his identity has never been established. Due to a note found next to the body, the connection was made, the “Manga Murder” was coined, and the perpetrators managed to roam free for over three years until they were caught, each sent to prison for at least 20 years. The influence did not stop there either, as various other (thankfully non-fatal) copycat crimes have since been reported. Maybe don’t watch this series then.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 24. Drowning Pool - Bodies

24. Drowning Pool - Bodies (Song, 2001)

Multiple Incidents
“Let the bodies hit the floor!” may be a lyric about a moshpit, but it’s easy to see why Joshua Cooke (Virginia, USA, 2003) misconstrued it as an instruction to shoot both of his parents dead, confessing "I had been listening to the song for about a year nonstop. And I just knew that I had so much hate and rage inside of me, that I knew it was leading to murder”. He is currently serving 40 years for the double killing. Jared Loughner’s story (Arizona, USA, 2011) was even worse, people pointing out that he only ever favourited one YouTube video from his account (this song), before attempting to assassinate US Representative Gabrielle Giffords by shooting her in the head. She survived, but six other bystanders did not, which is why the diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic was sentenced to seven consecutive life terms plus 140 years in prison without parole. Drowning Pool naturally issued a statement claiming they were “devastated” and tried to once again explain what the lyrics actually meant. It’s a moshpit! Stop killing people, please!


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 23. Combat Arms

23. Combat Arms (Video Game, 2007)

Connecticut, USA, 2012
When Adam Lanza fatally shot his mother, then 20 school children aged between six and seven, then six adult staff members, then himself (a wreckage known as the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting), everyone was looking for anything to blame. The general majority accused the boy’s obsession with Combat Arms, a video game in which he partook in 4,901 matches for over 500 hours, amassing an “impressive” 83,496 kills and 22,725 head shots without using any cheat codes. Then again, others dismissed the connection to be nothing but speculation, as Adam also adored such games as Dance, Dance Revolution and Super Mario Brothers too, not to mentioned that he was known to hide disturbing images of mutilated corpses and murdered children under his bed anyway, so deeper issues here really. Regardless, this was the deadliest high school shooting and the third-deadliest mass shooting by a single gunman in United States history, which prompted many political debates about video game violence. One such debate was even between then vice president, Joe Biden, and representatives from the gaming industry, who all concluded that we could not exclusively blame video game violence for the tragedy that had occurred. We never said exclusively, Biden!


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 22. Halloween

22. Halloween (Film, 2007 remake)

Texas, USA, 2012
After watching Halloween three times in one week, 17-year-old Jake Evans was fascinated by the lack of remorse from the Michael Myers villain, and wondered to himself whether “it would be the same for me when I kill someone”. He then proceeded to find out, by shooting both his mother and sister multiple times until he was certain they were dead, and then called the cops on himself. He expressed deep regret over his actions when the court sentenced him to 45 years in prison.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 21. Rezső Seress - Gloomy Sunday

21. Rezső Seress - Gloomy Sunday (Song, 1933)

Budapest, Hungary, 1930s and onwards
Some tales grow legs and run so far away into folklore that it becomes impossible to differentiate fact from fiction, which was exactly the case with the “Hungarian Suicide Song”, Gloomy Sunday. Rumour has it that the aptly titled track was so depressing that 19 separate incidents of suicide were connected to it, including a teenager drowning herself whilst clutching the sheet music; a shopkeeper leaving these lyrics behind as his suicide note; a woman overdosing with the record playing on loop; a boy jumping off of a bridge when he heard a beggar humming the tune; a lady gassing herself after requesting the song be played at her funeral; and even RezsÅ‘’s ex-fiancee committing suicide with only the words “Gloomy Sunday” left as her note. But whatever you chose to believe, the song’s reputation was solidified when the composer himself jumped out of a window a few decades later, surprisingly surviving the fall, only to strangle his throat to death in the hospital a few hours later.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 20. Slipknot - Disasterpiece

20. Slipknot - Disasterpiece (Song, 2001)

California, USA, 2003
Slipknot have come under fire more than once for their troublesome persistence of exhibiting distressing imagery, which included the time Morné Harmse attacked four people (killing one) with a samurai sword whilst wearing a Japanese Noh mask like drummer Joey Jordison. But it was their song Disasterpiece specifically that was blamed for Jason Lamar Harris and Amber Rose Riley actions, after they stabbed Terry Ray Taylor more than 20 times before slashing his throat. The killer duo claimed they were listening to this song to build up enough courage to carry out the murder, finding particular inspiration in the line “I wanna slit your throat and fuck the wound”, lovely. They each received 50 years to life in prison, while Slipknot singer Corey Taylor claimed to be “disturbed” by the incident, denying he ever wanted anyone to kill anyone, and encouraged his fans to “stick together and help each other” instead. That’s weird. I’ve never heard him sing about that before.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 19. Final Fantasy VIII

19. Final Fantasy VIII (Video Game, 1999)

Murcia, Spain, 2000
José Rabadán Pardo took it upon himself to avenge and emulate Squall Leonhart, the main character of the video game Final Fantasy VIII, whose mission it was to fight the "power of dictators and oppressors". He took this definition to mean his parents, and killed them both along with his sister using a katana. He fled, was caught, and eventually sentenced to 12 years in a therapeutic centre, an institution he has already escaped from once.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 18. Fight Club

18. Fight Club (Film, 1999)

Multiple Incidents
Unsurprisingly, this cult classic film about starting fight clubs, inspired many people to start fight clubs, including a group of six teenagers (Texas, USA, 2006) who beat up an unwilling participant and then sold their brawl on DVD; and two Lightbridge Academy employees (New Jersey, USA, 2015) who Snapchatted fights they instigated between children aged four to six. But the real trouble came with the Project Mayhem aspect of the film, when an unnamed 17-year-old (New York, USA, 2009) detonated a homemade bomb outside of a Starbucks after having formed his own fight club. And then there was Lucas John "Luke" Helder (Minnesota, USA, 2002) who took it one step further, by planting pipe bombs in mailboxes all over Nebraska, Colorado, Texas, Illinois, and Iowa in an attempt to create a full burning smiley face on the map of USA. 18 bombs covering 3,200 miles were discovered, six people were injured, and Helder was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, still incarcerated today without ever completing that full burning smile.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 17. Queen of the Damned

17. Queen of the Damned (Film, 2002)

Edinburgh, Scotland, 2002
Allan Menzies earned the nickname “the vampire killer” for good reason. As he told the court, he received a vision from the Queen of the Damned central character, Akasha, the fictional vampire who appeared before him and promised him immortality in exchange for a murder. Which he did, by beating Thomas McKendrick on the head around ten times with a hammer, then stabbing him at least 42 times all over his body. Allan then proceeded to drink some of his victim’s blood, ate part of his skull, then buried him in a shallow grave which took weeks for authorities to find. But did Menzies become an immortal vampire just like Akasha promised? I’m not sure, but if he did, it won’t do him much good as he lives out the rest of his days in jail.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 16. Scream Franchise

16. Scream Franchise (Film Series, 1996 - 2011)

Multiple Incidents
The iconic Scream mask may have haunted many of our dreams, but it haunted many victim’s real lives too. The "Scream murder" case got its name when Mario Padilla and his cousin Samuel Ramirez stabbed Mario’s mother 45 times, killing her in hopes of stealing her money to purchase two Ghostface costumes, both still facing up to life sentences (California, USA, 1998). Thierry Jaradin murdered 15-year-old Alisson Cambier whilst wearing the mask (Gerpinnes, Belgium, 2001). And the "Scream attackers" Daniel Gill (14) and Robert Fuller (15) watched the film, drew pictures of the Ghostface mask, and then stabbed Ashley Murray multiple times in the head (California, USA, 1998). They were found guilty of attempted murder, given a minimum six-year sentence due to their age, served only three of those, and then moved back home, just around the corner from their victim. Sadly, these examples are only a few of the most famous copycat stories this franchise has inspired, so you should be scared.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 15. The Matrix

15. The Matrix (Film Trilogy, 1999 - 2003)

Multiple Incidents
The Matrix Defense has somehow become a commonly used legal term in recent years, due to several cases where the defendant claims they did not believe they were part of the real world, and so they did whatever they wanted to do. Lee Boyd Malvo’s told FBI agents to watch the film if they wanted to understand why he killed ten people (Washington, D.C, USA, 2002). Joshua Cooke considered using this defense when he murdered his adoptive parents (Virginia, USA, 2003). Tonda Lynn Ansley shot her landlady in the head, believing that the victim had been controlling her dreams and committing crimes in The Matrix, which was so out there that she was found not guilty by reason of insanity (Ohio, USA, 2002). And finally, Vadim Mieseges claimed he has been “sucked into The Matrix” which is why he skinned and dismembered his 47-year-old landlady, and even though the meth probably had something to do with it, he too was declared mentally incompetent, and wasn’t even allowed to stand trial (San Francisco, USA, 2000).


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 14. Slayer - Postmortem/Dead Skin Mask

14. Slayer - Postmortem/Dead Skin Mask (Songs, 1986/1990)

California, USA, 1995
Jacob Delashmutt, Joseph Fiorella, and Royce Casey were said to have received strict instructions from Slayer to "stalk, rape, torture, murder, and commit acts of necrophilia" on 15-year-old Elyse Marie Pahler, a crime they confessed to as a necessary "sacrifice to the devil" in hopes of achieving recognition for their own heavy metal band. They are currently serving 25 years to life, but the victim’s parents didn’t stop there, taking the band Slayer to court, claiming the artists "knowingly distributed harmful material to minors." Pahler's family lost the case, as the judge determined that he could not see the direct connection, rather that these killers were just very naughty people.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 13. The Deer Hunter

13. The Deer Hunter (Film, 1978)

Multiple Incidents
Quite an unusual entry would be that of the 1978 Vietnam War film, The Deer Hunter—or more specifically, its infamous Russian roulette scene—which inspired so many copycat cases that it becomes difficult to differentiate from them all. Ted Tolwinski, David Radnis, Daniel Bouley, James R. Groeneveld, William Dillon Gates, Brandon Accardi, and two unnamed teenagers were just a handful of separate individuals who watched the film and then shot themselves whilst emulating the game straight afterwards, and there were many, many more reported. So many, in fact, that no one knows for sure how many suicides have stemmed from the film, but it’s safe to say that the direct yet independent casualties inspired by this movie alone leaves a confirmed self-inflicted death count above any other on offer.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 12. A Clockwork Orange

12. A Clockwork Orange (Film, 1971)

Multiple Incidents
Here is another controversial film with so many tales attached to it that we don’t have enough time to cover them all. There have been at least two rapes reported where the attackers sang Singin’ in the Rain in admiration of that scene. Even more violent attacks were carried out, one by a 14-year-old by who murdered a classmate after watching the Kubrick classic, and another by a 16-year-old boy who pleaded guilty to murdering an elderly homeless man after telling police that the film inspired “the beating up of an old boy like this one". The defense told the court that “the link between this crime and sensational literature, particularly A Clockwork Orange, is established beyond reasonable doubt”, and as a result, the film was withdrawn from British release in 1973 at the request of Kubrick himself.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 11. Bug

11. Bug (Film, 2006)

London, UK, 2007
After watching the horror film Bug, millionaire insurance executive Alberto Izaga suffered from "an episode of acute mental illness which had a rapid onset" according to doctors. He began to hallucinate, heard voices, and believed his family were possessed by the devil. He also mentioned that he was a member of a sect based on the philosophies of the Jesuits and they were trying to take over the financial world, which is worryingly specific. Regardless, after not sleeping for 72 hours, he decided he needed to kill his two-year-old daughter, and did so by repeatedly smashing her head against the wooden floor well beyond her life. When police arrived half an hour later, Izaga spoke about how God doesn’t exist, chanted "Big Ben, Big Ben, Big Ben" for five minutes, and then licked the face of a neighbour. He was found not guilty by reason of insanity, and is currently incarcerated in a psychiatric hospital.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 10. Grand Theft Auto

10. Grand Theft Auto (Video Game Series, 1997 - 2013)

Multiple Incidents
The list of violent crimes that prosecutors have heard to be somewhat inspired by GTA are so exhausting that I will only be detailing very few. Zachary Burgess (Louisiana, USA, 2013) struck nine vehicles with a stolen truck and held a female passenger hostage because he "wanted to see what it was really like to play the video game Grand Theft Auto”. Teenage stepbrothers, Joshua and William Buckner (Tennessee, USA, 2003) told investigators that GTA III had given them the idea to fire a rifle into moving cars, killing a 45-year-old man and wounding a 19-year-old woman, which is why they live in a juvenile detention center to this day. Following his arrest after stealing a car, Devin Moore (Alabama, USA, 2003) shot and killed two policemen and a dispatcher with one of the officer’s guns, claiming GTA: Vice City had taught him the move which put him on death row for 12 years and counting. 16-year-old Dustin Lynch (Ohio, USA, 2002) pleaded insanity due to his obsession with GTA III, claiming he played the game for hours at the time, which is why he stabbed JoLynn Mishne to death, earning him life in prison. And finally, there’s 14 year old ldon Samuel III (Idaho, USA, 2014), who shotgun murdered his father and brother, receiving a life sentence no matter how much he assured officers that it was GTA 5’s fault. If you’ve played the game, you’ve probably wondered about a few of these things yourself at some point, be honest.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 09. Slenderman

09. Slenderman (Fictional Character, 2009)

Multiple Incidents
The supernatural character born on the internet known as Slenderman has the unique and peculiar ability to climb into young (usually female) children’s heads and convince them to commit the most unsettling of acts. An unidentified 13-year-old attacked her mother with a knife after writing her own macabre fiction often involving the Slenderman (Ohio, USA, 2014). A 14-year-old girl visited a website which told stories of the the character and then set her house on fire with her family trapped inside (Florida, USA, 2014). But the most famous story of all was that of two 12-year-old girls who believed they needed to kill in the Slenderman name in order to prove their loyalty to the figure and be granted permission into his mansion, which they attempted by stabbing their friend 19 times (Wisconsin, USA, 2014). Thankfully, they missed her heart by just a millimeter which saved her life, and (while their trials still await) their acts have been immortalised in the documentary Beware the Slenderman.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 08. Call of Duty

08. Call of Duty (Video Game Series, 2003 - 2016)

Multiple Incidents
The Call of Duty video game has fallen under much scrutiny fire after numerous accusations called it the ideal target practice for wannabe killers. Tristan van der Vlis, for example, was obsessed with the game before he fired more than 100 rounds into a shopping mall, killing six people and then himself (Alphen aan den Rijn, Netherlands, 2011), leaving behind the deadliest assault in the Netherlands since the 2009 attack on the Dutch Royal Family. Another (even worse) Call of Duty slave worth mentioning would be Anders Behring Breivik, a far-right terrorist responsible for the 2011 Norway attacks in Utøya. He killed eight people with a bomb, and then shot 69 more (mostly children) dead at a Workers' Youth League summer camp. His manifesto called Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 his "training-simulation", and stated that it “helped him gain target acquisition”. For his 77 person deathtoll, he only received 21 years in prison, which alarmingly, is the maximum penalty in Norway.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 07. Rage by Stephen King as Richard Bachman

07. Rage by Stephen King [as Richard Bachman] (Novel, 1977)

Multiple Incidents
When Stephen King wrote Rage, he had no idea how deep his depiction of a school shooting would resonate with a frustrated younger generation across America. Jeffrey Lyne Cox read it over and over before he held a class of 60 students hostage for 30 minutes with a semi-automatic rifle (California, USA, 1988). Police found a copy of Rage with Dustin L. Pierce’s belongings after a nine hour standoff when he took a history class hostage with a shotgun and two handguns (Kentucky, USA, 1989). Scott Pennington shot and killed his English teacher Deanna McDavid because she gave him a C-grade on an essay which he wrote about this very novel, receiving a life sentence (Kentucky, USA, 1993). Barry Loukaitis also found himself in prison for life when he shot up his algebra class (Washington, USA, 1981), killing three people (including his teacher), his statement confessing that he based his life on Charlie Decker, the book’s protagonist (as well as finding some additional guidance from Pearl Jam’s music video for Jeremy, which is a different story). And finally, Michael Carneal opened fire on a prayer group, killing three, injuring five, and receiving life just like everyone else did (Kentucky, USA, 1997). When a copy of Rage was found in this kid’s locker, King decided enough was enough, and let the book run out of print.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 06. Doom

06. Doom (Video Game, 1993)

Multiple Incidents
As the “deadliest high school shooting in US history”, it’s no oversight that the infamous Columbine High School massacre has mentions scattered throughout this article. The entire world seemingly scanned any form of media they could point their fingers towards, blaming everyone but themselves, with the Doom video game taking the biggest fall. The reasons are many: Harris uploaded self created playable Doom maps (now known as the “Harris Levels”) to his own websites, the notably violent files accompanied by texts of hatred towards the world; his diary fantasised about placing the whole population in a super Doom game and seeing who survives; and he even once once wrote a Doom-based story for a creative writing class, to which his teacher commended his gruesome writing style as “unique”. It’s a pity that not she nor anyone else noticed these warning signs, and we were left with 12 dead students, one dead teacher, and the two perpetrators who shot their own brains out at the end of it all.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 05. Dexter

05. Dexter (TV Series, 2006 - 2013)

Multiple Incidents
The endless list of this TV show’s copycat murders almost make sense when you imagine a disturbed viewer finding some connection with the series’ detached serial killer, Dexter Morgan. Mark Andrew Twitchell (Alberta, Canada, 2008) killed John Brian Altinger in the protagonist's name, reportedly watching every episode he missed in his jail cell after conviction. Elizabeth Thomas was a model citizen, known for defending her autistic boyfriend Steven Miles (Surrey, London, 2014) on many occasions, a love he rewarded by stabbing her to death, dismembering her legs and an arm, then wrapping them up in clingfilm, describing her as his “project”. His admission that he was emulating Dexter got him jailed for 25 years. Then there was Andrew Conley (Indiana, USA, 2009) who strangled his ten-year-old brother to death, stating he felt just like Dexter when doing so, which got him a life sentence. And the last one for today, was the unnamed 21-year-old Swedish lady known as the “Dexter woman”, who compared herself to the fictional killer after she stabbed her father in the heart. Eerily, a picture of the show’s main character would appear on her phone when her dad called her, and yet somehow she got away with a light seven year sentence. There were loads more of these types of incidents all around the world, too many to count, which leaves Dexter as probably the deadliest TV show ever created.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 04. The Beatles - The White Album

04. The Beatles - The Beatles [The White Album] (Album, 1968)

California, USA, 1969
In one of the most well-known stories of art driving someone insane, Charles Manson became obsessed with messages he believed were hidden in The Beatles’ White Album. He was convinced that these songs, when combined with the Bible’s Revelation (Revolution) 9 verses, we found “four angels (The Beatles) who would appear with hair like a woman's, breastplates of fire (electric guitars) issuing brimstone from their mouths (lyrics), accompanied by locusts (beetles) to usher in the end of the world.” He eventually concluded that they prophesied an inevitable race war, and decided to instigate the madness himself by forming a cult who killed nine people over the course of a year, including the stabbing of the famous (and heavily pregnant) actress Sharon Tate. Naturally, the whole Manson Family got caught and the majority were sentenced to life imprisonment, including old Charlie who remains incarcerated to this day, still completely nuts.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 03. Taxidriver

03. Taxidriver (Film, 1976)

Washington, D.C., USA, 1981
After watching Taxidriver 15 times in a row, John Hinckley Jr. fell madly obsessed with then 12-year-old Jodie Foster. Over and over again he tried to make contact with the actress, but when all his attempts failed, he decided the best option would be to mimic lead character Travis’ actions in order to get her attention, shaving his head into that trademark mohawk and giving the assassination of President Ronald Reagan a shot. He fired his revolver six times, but did not manage to kill the president, only one bullet proving fatal when it hit press secretary James Brady in the head, paralyzing the left side of his body, an injury which only resulted in his death 33 years later, yet was still ruled a homicide. Following this horror, Hinckley was charged with 13 offenses but was found not guilty by reason of insanity. Apparently, the only part of this that upset him was that Foster did not reciprocate his affection after "the greatest love offering in the history of the world".


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 02. Natural Born Killers

02. Natural Born Killers (Film, 1995)

Multiple Incidents
When you become aware of how many troubled episodes were attributed to the Tarantino penned Natural Born Killers crime film, it makes complete sense as to why Ireland banned the movie immediately. Like so many examples on this list, it was confirmed that our Columbine Massacre duo were big fans of the movie, using the initials NBK as their secret code, referring to the shooting date as “the holy April morning of NBK”, and expressing interest in Quentin Tarantino directing a potential biopic about their lives. More relevant to the film itself, however, would be the pattern of romantic couples who found some deeper instruction in the storyline, like 23-year-old Jeremy Allan Steinke and his 12-year-old girlfriend J. Richardson (Alberta, Canada, 2006), who murdered Richardson’s parents (and her eight-year-old brother) due to the disapproval of their relationship’s age disparity. It was also reported that Steinke had spoken to friends about “going Natural Born Killer” on the family, and confessed to having watched the film the night before the attack, which didn't help his case whatsoever as he was sentenced to life whilst Richardson only got ten years due to her juvenile status. Reportedly, Steinke proposed to Richardson shortly after the ruling, and she accepted, so that’s sweet maybe? In other dysfunctional relationship news, meet Sarah Edmondson and Benjamin James Darras (Oklahoma, USA, 1995), who first shot William Savage twice in the head at point blank range, and then shot convenience store cashier Patsy Byers soon afterwards, rendering her a quadriplegic. Due to the pair admitting they’d watched Natural Born Killers the previous night, many demanded that director Oliver Stone be held accountable for the tragedy, a lawsuit followed, but the case was dismissed like they always are. Darras is still doing life, whilst Edmondson has since been released on parole after serving only 12 years of her 30 year sentence, no news of a ring. There are literally dozens of other similar cases out there if you’re brave or weird enough to look into it yourself.


50 Examples Which Connect Media Entertainment to Real Life Violence: 01. The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger

01. The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger (Novel, 1951)

New York, USA, 1980
The Catcher in the Rye has been the center topic of so many strange and violent tales primarily focused on famous figures (aka “the phonies”), that it’s surprising how many of them we’ve already covered. John Hinckley Jr.'s assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan (#3) is one of those, after a copy of this book was found in the shooter’s hotel room afterwards. Robert John Bardo, who stalked and murdered actress Rebecca Schaeffer (#35), had this book in his pocket during the act. But no episode put the narrative in such a darker light than that of Mark David Chapman. After becoming upset over some of his idol John Lennon’s anti-religious remarks, Chapman felt connected to protagonist Holden Caulfield’s angsty attitude and alienation, and decided it was his calling to murder the political Beatle, of course. He did so by shooting the man just after getting his signature, and then sat down to read The Catcher in the Rye until the police arrived, arresting him without incident. He repeatedly told officers that the novel was his statement, and then surprised everyone by pleading guilty despite having a very convincing insanity defense to back him up. Chapman was sentenced to 20 years to life, and has rightfully been denied parole nine times, owed in part to the mass amount of campaigning from Lennon fans all over the globe, still heartbroken over the stupid, pointless loss.